no, i accept the blame for how i treated him. i refused to be as involved with him as we were in our earlier years of marriage. i took out my frustrations about his kids on him. that's how i see it related. i always felt our marriage was not as important to him as how much his kids liked him. he was not consistant with their responsibilities and left all the work of caring for them up to me without me being allowed to expect anything from them (all they had to do at our house was brush their teeth every morning, make their beds, and pick up their clothes and towels off the floor). he said that was too strict.
what i'm blaming the problems of our marriage on is: being a stepmother and not knowing what a difficult job it would be, being bitter about all the "unfairness" of having to live with his adult kids, never feeling as if our marriage was as important as his kids, etc.

i just asked him and he thinks he would not be happy, that i will never do things with him and go places with him (that's his major concern, according to him, and his "love language" is "time together"). i asked him, "what if i did want to go with you and do things with you and didn't make you feel guilty for asking me?" he said he would be "euphoric"...
i think he has mixed emotions now but he's very stubborn. he really has not accepted his part in the spiral of our marriage and the elevation of his daughter. i know he was a big part of the problem with her attitude towards me while living with us for the past two years because, at one point, she pointed to him and told me firmly, "what's his, is mine!" and he let her walk out of the room! i told him to get her back in here because i could not take it. he let me do all the talking.
our sex life was great until about a year ago. i was so bitter about having his adult kids in the house, having to be quiet, fully dressed all the time, etc., that i withheld. i know bad but i was so-o angry.
what's funny is that now that he's said he wants a divorce, we're at it like rabbits! i'm so confused.

thank you, poodle. i suggested therapy. we went to marriage counseling back about our fifth year of marriage...about the kids and how we deal with them. the counselor advised my husband that the marriage has to be the most important thing; that the kids would be gone and we needed to nurture the marriage.
i guess my husband didn't like that because when i suggested counseling recently, he said, "we tried that and we came from it with me having to do everything." so, i think he just doesn't want to hear about anything that he may be doing to contribute to our problems.

asheeha, i just saw your post. maybe you're right? maybe i am? but he initiates, too. we do enjoy each other but it's not feeling like love making, only like sex. and it's so sad to admit that.

thank you for not giving up on me, poodle. that's a good suggestion. i'll be talking to him tonight and this weekend. i'll look for an opportunity. thank you all for looking into my problem here. i value all of your responses.

lizzieA, thank you. i am in counseling because i know it will make me a better person. i've decided to not carry around resentment and bitterness because, in the end, i'm the one who suffers the most from it; from the pain and from the results of it in my relationships.
i have wondered if he is right for me. some days i think i will be just fine without him. other days, i'm a wreck. i have not spoken to his kids since december. i think he confided in his daughter about our marital problems (emotional incest?).
we've been married for 15 years. the kids are now gone. it's hard to give all that up. i'm also retired now and i was looking forward to these years. i think part of it is i'm scared.

also, i just want to say that i love women! can you imagine men doing this? we are all so helpful to our sisters! thank you all!!

jennaspace, everything you said is so right on! i have never been without them until now and i am much happier than i've been for years! it would be such a shame to lose what we could have now. we've waited so long for it.
any ideas on how to approach the step daughter issue? i think she would love for us to continue to not speak or be in each other's presence. of course, she's not thinking of her father's life alone; only her own success in getting rid of me...

i talked to my husband this morning about the stress that living with his ss22 had been on me for the past two years. i explained to him that we had a wonderful relationship prior to her moving in with us and that she had always been my favorite of his three children. i also explained that my intolerance for her was mostly due to her attitude towards me (not speaking to me when she entered a room i was in, being sullen and moody, and just generally making me feel as if she wanted me to leave my own house to make her life better).

his thought? maybe i should have done more with her when she was younger, like, get our nails done together or go to movies together.
keep in mind, we had the kids eow and 2-3 weeks in the summer for vacations, all that time with them doing things together. i worked full time and still did all the child care for his kids while he was their playmate. as their DAD, he didn't even do things with them other than the scheduled visits! am i crazy to think that this is a ridiculous double standard and that he is still trying to impose on me the mantle of "mother" to them?

sometimes i just can't believe it. i am responsible for her bad behavior. can i make her responsible for mine?? is this blame-the-victim mentality universal in bio-dads?

thank you 20years and boot,
more from the looney bin...today, my husband told me that sd22 and ss24 invited him to bm's (who has not remarried because no man will have her) 50th "birthday bash"! not me, of course! and they wonder why we hate them? he didn't go because he thought it was "inappropriate", thank God! but why do they think their sm's have no feelings and no needs? they are just totally insensitive!
my sd22 told me that she couldn't understand why i couldn't live for two years, full time, with her as an adult when her mother lived with her for 20 years. well, if i had been allowed to slap her face when she backtalked as a child like her mother did or jump on her an pin her to the ground an threaten to kill her or whip her with a belt when she disobeyed, as bm did, then maybe i could live with her as an adult, too! and she forgets that bm kicked her out and i am the one who took her in! if they want to compare us, compare it all, for God's sake!

oh, and 20years: the toy duck should go to YOUR son's children. THAT would be passing it on!

thanks, draco. i think you're on to something there. he's finding it hard to let the "children" go. they have lives of their own now and when they don't come around for holidays, it's so easy for him to blame it on them being uncomfortable around me, rather on just them doing things they want to do. husband spent thanksgiving at his mother's while i was at my sister's (in another state). only one of his children showed up as the other two either had to work or went to a girlfriend's house. yet, he did not blame it on them being uncomfortable around his mother! there's such a double standard with the bio dad's thinking! it's almost as if they are brain damaged!
on the plus side, he and i are talking and trying to be kind to each other in our communications. he's admitted to some of his daughter's shortcomings and some of the things he could have handled better in the past. he's also going on "dates" with me and we're having good times with just the two of us so maybe there's hope. he won't see a therapist together now. i think he knows there would be problems he would have to address and he's not ready to face them. maybe baby steps...we'll see.
all i know is i will no longer accept blame for his kids' behavior, only my own. i'm trying to detach as much as possible from them. i won't point our their crap, either, unless it comes at me as blame. he will have to figure that out himself.

thanks, karen. i did give him stepmonster and he's reading it! i loved it! i felt so validated. it was an awakening for me to realize that this is a common theme for stepmothers; fathers who make it hard for us to like their children (in particular, their daughters)!

i'm sorry your relationship didn't make it. mine's still up in the air. but he is reading a website i sent him for a marriage retreat to help us get through this. he hasn't commited to it, yet, but at least he's looking at it. and he reads the books i give him...

i have some hope but i'm out getting a life of my own in case we don't make it. i will be happy, with or without him and his daughter.

thanks for looking in!