SD in rehab for over one year
Another family is caring for her teenage son---and, they want their life back.It's now been over a year they have cared for him! She rarely sees her son. He needs new contacts and DH was asked to bring him to get them. She now has transportation. We GAVE her a car and it cost us 10,000 to pay off the loan and fix the damage she did.(Husband had co-signed a loan with her behind my back and she was always late or didn't pay the loan). She works now and has days off. Explained to DH that she needs to accept the responsibility of being a mother and she can bring her own son to an eye appointment. DH claims she is tired from work. What? I work 6 out of 7 days and SHE is tired? She has indoctrinated her son to hate me, so I am banned from ever speaking to him or seeing him. Explained to husband that the enabling HAS to stop.We have furnished all her apartments, she trashed everything we bought. We have paid her rent for over a YEAR so she could go to school. I swear to God her parents must LOVE coddling her. She is mid-30's and it's high time she accepted SOME responsibility. Oh, she and bio mom blamed ME for SD's heroin addiction. I have disengaged, but told my husband that we need to step back and ALLOW her to face life...just like the rest of us. Thoughts?
This is a dysfunctional mess,
This is a dysfunctional mess, isn't it. You say "WE gave her a car. WE furnished her apartments. WE paid her rent". Are you contributing - even by paying other household bills so that DH can support SD? If so, you need to stop.
I agree with you that DH needs to ALLOW her to take responsibility for her own life - otherwise the drama triangle (persecutor, victim, rescuer) continues ad infinitum. Where there is an addiction or other serious dysfunction incompatible with adult life, a parent will often feel some guilt - this needs to be addressed so that it is not causing DH to inappropriately rescue his daughter. He really is not helping her at all. He needs to realise he is just making it worse for everyone. My DH is a rescuer so I have some experience in this scenario.
BM, BF, SD, they are All.
BM, BF, SD, they are All. Sick. Together.
I remember back when you posted about your H financing the car. This has been going on for a long time, with your pleading and reasoning falling on deaf ears. Have you separated finances? Tried counseling? Talked with an addiction specialist?
If you've made no headway with your H, maybe it's time to put together an exit strategy and divorce while there's still some assets left to divide.
Your DH is doing his daughter
Your DH is doing his daughter a disservice by constantly saving her. Yes, it's hard to let them fail. But they must be responsible for themselves. It's the most loving thing your DH can do.
She will be in recovery the rest of her life, and relapse is pretty common. The worst thing your DH can do is continue to rescue her. He needs to talk with a counselor specializing in addiction to learn how to help his daughter. He feels like he's doing the right thing, but he's doing the opposite of what needs to happen.
My DH also tried to rescue and "help" his addicted son. For years. Once I pulled my money out of the equation and he found the courage to tell his son "no more," then miraculously, SS checked into rehab that day. Previsouly, no place would take him for various reasons/excuses. SS has been clean now probably 4 years and is doing well.
Sounds like this kid is
Sounds like this kid is gonna have to not see. His mommy needs to step up and raise him. The nice couple that has been raising him needs to dump him on mommy's door step with a note pinned to his collar.
Rescuing this waste of flesh over and over again is akin to polishing a turd. DH can polish year in and rear out and at best all he has to show for it is a shiny piece of shit.
Write her off.