SD22 will never change -- I don't think -- DH thinks she will
So periodically I check SD22's Facebook page to get a "temperature" on where things are. My DH was telling me that she was "warming" back up to me. I didn't believe him. This week I sent over with him a stroller that went with the carseat that I had already given her. The woman that I got the carseat from gave me the stroller to go with it. So rather than giving it to someone else, I told my DH to go ahead and take it over to SD22.
Even last week I was shopping and saw a cute diaper bag that I knew she would like and thought about getting it -- very glad I didn't get it.
So anyways, this is the same SD that told her dad about a two months ago that if she got married that she didn't want me at the wedding --- she is also preggers. She was living with us when she found out she was preggers. I was very supportive of her, more so than anyone else. Helped her get set up on state medical, etc. No thank you, but whatever. I didn't expect it. So long story short, she made us out to be the bad guys, we gave her two options, and she chose to move out. So the story she tells everyone is that her dad kicked his pregnant daughter out. And she tells us that this is what everyone is saying. Again, whatever.
So now, she tells her dad that she is now not talking to her biological mom and is never having anything to do with her every again. Again, whatever. She's said that about my DH. She's said this about her BM before. I'm not buying it. So my DH is telling me SD22s "story" and boy what a story it was. I was so irritated by the time he was done -- about all this stuff that BM allegedly did, that I actually looked at him and told him that I didn't believe a word that SD said. I told him that BM probably didn't do any of that, and I thought that SD22 was probably a little bi*** to BM and step dad and we don't even know what SD22s conversation was towards them. I'm betting that if its been anything like her conversations with us, they were awful. Plus SD posted a nasty, horrible post to BM on BMs FB page shortly after their fight. Weird thing though -- they're all still "friends" on FB. So I'm not buying all this "warring".
So to why I'm posting. After my DH gave her the stroller....he made it sound like SD was "warming up" to me. I wasn't buying it. I checked her FB page (she's not one of my friends, but I can still look). She happened to put that she had registered at babiesrus, so I thought I would look to see what she wanted for the baby because my DH is getting excited about having a grandson. I didn't realize that on that site the person can post who the grandparents are. SD posted the grandparents as the father of the baby's, and my DH as the grandparent. SD didn't list me or her own BM. This was done right after I gave her the stroller -- among ALL the other stuff I've given her and done for her.
I told my husband to quit trying to "soften" her up and to quit telling me crap that she is "warming" up to me because she is not. I told him to quit making me feel bad and asking me to try to be "civil" to her -- his comment was that he just wanted us to "both be civil" to each other. I nearly blew a gasket because I have been civil to that little brat. I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of his mouth. Then he says last night that he doesn't want me going to her FB page anymore....and I told him that it helps me to know what the reality is, not what "his" reality is. I told him that I'm not doing shit for her anymore. NOTHING. I don't want her or the baby coming over her. I don't want to babysit the baby --- because what I see happening is her using that baby as a weapon to manipulate and use us. He says "what am I supposed to do if I'm going to babysit" --- I said you can go over there. I don't want her here.
I've had some issues this last week of wanting to leave again. The younger two have really been trying me and my patience. They purposefully do things to irritate and anger me, and my DH does NOTHING. Nothing. There's a shock.
Thank you all for listening, if anyone reads.
Momof5_1969 No she is not
Momof5_1969
No she is not going to change, and yes she is going to use the baby to manipulate daddy, and daddy is weak, he is not going to do anything to change this, so unfortunatley YOU and you alone are going to have to change. Easiest way is to do what a lot of us on this site have done, is what you say you have already done.....Have nothing to do with her and don't allow her in your home. I do agree with your husband though, stay away from her FB page, it is not worth the rage it makes you feel inside, it just means she is still getting to you and she's not even in the room.
She doesn't want you to be her friend, she does however want you to give her stuff, up to you what you do there. Stepping out of the picture, does actually put the ball back in her court, and if by some miracle of miracles she does change (dont'hold your breath), then it wil be up to her to come back cap in hand an apoligise for her behaviour. My husband though his DD would change after the birth of her first child, and he was right, she changed, very much so....she got so much worse I had to say enough, you are no longer welcome in my home. It was hard, and I didn't do it lightly, I so wanted it not to happen, but after 8 years of trying and watching her get worse and worse and worse, then to see her using a brand new baby to try and make dad feel guilty was too much. She actually I believe, conceived this child to get daddy away from me. She has over the last couple of years made it quite public that she would like to seperate us and see us both dead, seeing us dead was not enough, she wanted us to suffer the pain of seperation as her own mother had done. Even knowing that I still allowed her in my home, still tried, then along came the pregnancy and I could see the demon in her eyes, sure enough baby born and that night in hospital SD played her trump card didn't speak a word to me, I was not even in the room to her, still don't know who anyone can do that and not feel embarrassed, anyway, and she was shoving this poor baby right into her daddy's face.
For your own sanity I think it is best to step back and let it be. As for the Facebook page, you know before you are going on there that she is not going to write nice sweet things about you, or show an appreciation for all you have done for her, she is only going to use that page to get sympathy for herself, so don't put yourself through that. Once you have stepped back then daddy and daughter have the space to sort it out for themselves and you don't have the angst. Good Luck.
emotionally beat up -- you're
emotionally beat up -- you're right. If I don't think about her, I don't get angry --- it's when she is brought back up that I get angry all over again, so I really should stay away from the FB page. The only reason I went there was because my husband was saying she was "warming up" to me. I didn't believe him. This has been ongoing for 6 years now --- and she has been an ongoing thorn in my side from the get go. We even asked her if she had a problem with us getting married to say now or forever hold her peace! She said nothing and then when it comes time for us to get married then she is having a hissy fit and then doesn't want to come to the wedding. So we said fine, we're having it anyways without you. So then she makes a big deal and shows up. I should have called it off then!
I look back on all the crap we dealt with prior to the wedding (she was a mess before I ever came into the picture), and what was I thinking??????
Thank you for writing, and support -- I appreciate it!
stepaside --- the not listing
stepaside --- the not listing me as a grandparent was a very minor thing compared to all the other crap she has done. For me this was it. She is not allowed in the house for the things she has done to me -- the way she treats me, the way she screams at me, the disrespect she shows me, for stealing my dining room table and then making us come to her to get it because "if you want it, you can come and get it" attitude. There is so much more.
My husband had told me she was warming up to me....I had sent over the stroller and he made it sound like things were on the upswing. Thats when I saw what I saw on her FB page. That's when I got upset, more with my husband than anything -- for lying to me so that he could have her in the house and put me through hell again. No way am I going through that sh** again!!
Funny thing about giving her space. She and I didn't speak for 8-9 months last year, and then when she needed a place to live, who does she come to? Us. So then she comes to live with us, treats me like total crap after all that. I about lost my mind. So now we're back to not speaking, and I like it just fine like this. I'd be fine if I never saw her again EVER.
Thank you for listening and writing back ... and the support ... I appreciate it!
Oh these relationships are so
Oh these relationships are so complicated!!! I have 3 Adult SKIDS, all girls, 21, 23, and 25. SD 23 lives with us and is currently causing most of our issues. We're working on moving her out ( cause I threatened to leave if she didn't!) But SD23 is bestie buddies right now with SD25 who has my BF' grand daughter.
It is amazing how so many of these kids sound the same- react the same- and cause us the same heartache.
Since I'm having major issues with SD23 who lives with us, I warned my BF that it may cause SD25 to use the baby as a pawn in this game. And so far, I think I was right. I have been Very very close to SGD1,(step-granddter 1year old)and I have spent more time with her than BGma who lives 5 hours away. It is a tough decision to make when you say you don't even want the gkids over. But This is a thought I have had as well. I do not want to invest all my time and energy and my Love into a baby that is going to get ripped out of my life on a whim of her mother. SD25 has had some weird PostPartum emotional issues in the last year. She is very impulsive and if she doesn't get her way- she just cuts people out of her life. Her BF finally moved out when SGD was 11 months old because she had become abusive towards him- physically! She even stopped talking to her BM for 3 months when the baby was still little. She did this to purposely hurt her mom. So I know she will not have a problem doing this to me as well.
Sometimes I think the SKids get together and plot how to make my life hell. And I am always walking around with my walls up. And I can't help it. I have treated these girls like they were my own and I don't get any appreciation either. I try to help them- give them advice and guidance when they are having issues. But in the back of my mind, I always remind myself that they are like wild animals and can turn on me at any moment. I hate feeling so defensive all the time.
I really hate that the gkids get stuck in the middle- but it's part of the complex web of "blended" families. Sometimes its just a tangled mess that would be better off cut down! When I do anything nice- or buy anything for the baby- I have to tell myself I am doing it for the innocent child and not her crazy mother. I often wonder though, How many times SD25 might throw out the things I buy so she doesn't have to tell her BM that I bought something. It has caused me to stop being so giving at times. Now If I get anything- I try to keep it at our place so the baby can play with it when she comes over. Instead of getting easier- it seems things get more complicated!!
BBGF -- your skids sound like
BBGF -- your skids sound like mine! Scary.
The thought that she would throw stuff away too has entered my mind so I had decided not to buy stuff for her either. My other SD16 threw out stuff recently -- stuff that was mine. I wrote a blog on that recently. I was furious! SD22 one Christmas before I had married my DH -- I was still a single mom, one income and it was tough financially for me to buy each one of them a gift, but I still did it, anyways, I gave SD22 a gift card of $25 -- plus some other little gifts. She basically told me how lame a $25 gift card was. I was appalled. So when she left it laying around. I took it back! Screw her! Greedy little brat!
Mother's Day the first year we were married she told her little sister that she couldn't do anything for me because I wasn't her mother -- her sister wanted to -- of course SD22 ruined mother's day for me that year, plus every other holiday with her attitudes. If you can believe this she even ruined valentines day this year because I bought a heart shaped cake and she had a fit because I wanted to wait until all of us were around to cut the cake. She wanted it right then. I basically wanted to take the entire cake and shove it in her face and say there is your f**'ing cake. EAT IT!
She pretty much ruins everything. In fact, the more I type, the more pissed I'm getting, the more I want out of this marriage again. It comes in waves where I want out. His kids pretty much irritate me and piss me off most of the time.
Thank you for your response and support -- I appreciate it!
stepaside -- yes it is so sad
stepaside -- yes it is so sad .... if they could just realize they could have a great friend in us if they would allow it...but they don't allow it. Unfortunately, my husband has his head up in the clouds about his kids -- or he puts it (today) he likes to think the best of them, rather than thinking "sinister thoughts" about them. I just call it reality. We just got done having a huge fight (yet again).
It's unfortunate that I'm dreading his SD22 having the baby, because I LOVE babies. I would love to be able to love on this baby, but she won't let it happen, or if she does, if will turn bad at some point, or I will get just used, abused, tossed aside when she has no use for me anymore. I will not allow it anymore.
A part of me wants to wait it out until my daughter graduates, and then leave. Reason -- because right now I'm not working and I can be here for my daughter while she finishes high school, and then when she goes off to college, I can then go off on my own again. I'm saving up money right now and have quite a bit of money in savings (my name only). I know this all sounds bad, but just not sure how much more I can do.
I have not really been happy from the start largely in part due to his kids. I just don't see it getting any better, ever.
IMO, I've found that by the
IMO, I've found that by the time they do change, they've caused so much hell that you don't want to be bothered with them because you know what they're capable of, and you constantly have your guard up.
I'm not saying it's not worth the effort to try - if they are making an effort too - but a lot of healing has to take place first.
That's where I'm at Shannon
That's where I'm at Shannon --- so much has happened, so much hurt over the last 6 years that I'm seriously done. I don't want to do anything more for any of them, I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to cook them dinners, buy them birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, go Christmas shopping, or put any effort out at all that would entail me doing anything for them at all. NOTHING. I'm angry/irritated around them all the time. I hate what this marriage/relationship has turned me into.
I had a friend tell me that I'm a different person when I first come over to visit her, but as soon as I start relaxing and my guard starts coming down, the real me starts coming out and the joyful person that I really am starts to shine -- and my real personality, the outgoing, funny, fun person comes out, but until I relax enough it's like I'm inside a shell (she told me). And I realize that I've got a shell up/my guard up all the time. I'm on edge constantly when I'm at home. I hate being here. This is not my safe haven at all.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying lately, and I seriously don't know what to do at all anymore. Tried talking to my husband about it today -- we wound up fighting, and then not talking at all. He said that he is tired about fighting about the kids all the time. Sigh....me too, but if he won't parent them, then what? Let's just let them do whatever the hell they want? What? Is that the solution?
Disengaging means that I let go and let him parent, but here's the thing. He won't parent. So then I watch and he does nothing. And I'm supposed to not care. The reason I do care is not because necessarily of the kids, but because of the fall out that will come when the lack of discipline, etc, starts affecting their lives. Such as when they aren't coming home at all because he won't enforce a curfew. Or we have another pregnant daughter because he won't ask where she is, or where she's going, or who she's with, etc. Same with his son. Take an active role for crying out loud. Be a parent man! Make them pick up after themselves. Make them be respectful to your wife! Make them be respectful to you! Good grief! Don't let them call you dumb! His youngest daughter said something to the effect that if he didn't do something for her, she was going to pee on him! Seriously!?? I was so disgusted, even though she was joking, I was so disgusted and couldn't believe that she would talk to an adult, let alone her father that way. I would have been backhanded had I talked to my dad that way.
Sigh.