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advice of protecting personal space after disengaging?

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

trying to start a post but cannot. what to do?

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

I love this forum. I've been a quiet reader for many months and this site has saved my sanity. I'm sure without the advice on this site, I would of surely had a nervous breakdown and been sent to the looney bin, only half joking!
I have a SD who is 8, attention seeker, daddy's princess, manipulative and sneaky and a narcissist in the making

I've learned to slowly disengage from her after being a full time SM to her for over 4 years. I've done it all including rides to school, shopping trips, cooking favorite meals, putting up with temper tantrums in public, constant embarrassments in front of family and friends due to SD's rude behavior, and suffered serious marital neglect and even emotional abuse by DH because he's too busy catering to his princess and being guilty daddy!

I am done!

In order to save my marriage, i'm slowly disengaging. SD doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. She knows fully well how much I dislike her. It's like she got the emotional maturity of a 30 year old and the drama of a 3 year old. I used to feel bad for her and want to help her be a child again and all that jazz. I've given up because all my efforts in raising this child went unappreciated and even criticized.

I've learned to create boundaries in order to save my sanity. I need to take care of myself before I lose my mind. It's been hard getting over the guilt that comes with leaving DH with 100% of the responsibility but I keep telling myself, it's his child, he is responsible for her. He wanted her.

My question is to how do I get this kid to leave me alone? She is smart to say the least so she knows what everyone's hot buttons are and when to push them for a response. I have tried really hard to hide my annoyances from her and give her emotionless responses and have distanced myself from her. She is toxic, that's for sure.

I try to be out of the house as much as possible before she goes to bed so I don't have to deal with her much. Mornings are a challenge with her constant drama over breakfast and the back and forth bickering between dh and sd. I hate starting my mornings with drama! I start off my day with a bad taste in my mouth.

So I started going to the gym in the morning just to be physically away with the drama. DH and I have talked about ignoring her negative behavior but of course he remembers one day, forgets the next so i've stopped reminding him. I feel bad that his day starts off with SD's tantrums and crying but that's his problem now. I won't let it be mine anymore! The anxiety was slowly eating away at me and I needed to be on medication just to get through the day.

Weekends are the real problem now! I work like 80 hours a week and like to sleep in on sundays. When I do get up and try to make a cup of coffee, I have to deal with her annoying ass following me around non stop, trying to engage me in nonsense. The stupid questions for shameless attention is driving me up the wall! I want to tell her to shut up and leave me alone!

I don't want to deal with her selfish ass first thing in the morning. Can't a woman drink a cup of coffee without being interrupted???

DH is trying his best now that he sees me disengaging from his princess. He'll ask her to keep it down when i'm sleeping and stuff so I don't want to piss him off because he is trying. But I mean how do I get her to leave me alone. ASking her politely isn't working and neither are ultimatums like "kids who interrupt are sent to their room." I mean do I have to listen to her story about some stupid cartoon movie she saw first thing on a sunday morning?

It sounds silly I realize but after 4 years of being used and abused, I can't stand the sound of her voice! Especially NOT first thing in the morning.

I gently told DH this weekend to tell her I need my space in the mornings. He made sure to tell her not to follow me around first thing in the morning and to get whatever she needs in the evenings. Sure enough, as soon as I get out of my bedroom to go to the kitchen, she runs out of her room to ask me something. I wanted to smack her but refrained of course }:)

Luckily DH heard her and told her not to bother me. But it started me off angry. I know it sounds silly and inconsequential but when it's non stop for the past 4 years, it just drives me insane now. Especially when she KNOWS she isn't supposed to do it.
I mean I let her use our bathroom this morning (because get this, she HAS to poop as soon as DH needs to shower in the main bathroom, without fail, every single damn morning). So I let her use the bathroom in our bedroom. No big deal. Then I go into the bathroom only to find a not so pleasant surprise. Miss Thang had pooped, stuffed the toilet with TP and NOT flushed her shit!

Great way to start a monday freaking morning.

Any suggestions? How do you protect your private space from being invaded?

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

LOL I have considered telling her to "leave me alone" but then I remembered she is a vindictive little brat who loves doing the exact opposite of what I say. She loves pissing me off so i'm trying not to show her my weaknesses. She is fearful of no one. It seems as if nothing affects her, not even her dad's anger. She gets yelled at one minute and the second, she's skipping around the house humming and smiling. WTF

She is a manipulator. She will take whatever I say to her and turn it around and tell DH to make herself look like the victim.

Before I started disengaging, I used to remind her to stay out of my bathroom because she makes a mess. She can use the family bathroom and she needs to keep it clean. She went and "tattled" to Dh. "Daddy am I not allowed to use any bathrooms in the house? Because SM said I'm not allowed to use them. So where should I go when I need to pee?" (insert puppy dog face)

DH fell for her shit and came running to me wondering why I would say such a thing to his darling angel? :sick:

I told him I do not need to defend myself to anyone especially against accusations of an 8 year old CHILD. I never said anything to her about cleaning again. I didn't clean up after her either. Pretty soon, DH (a clean freak himself) starting noticing her nastiness and getting annoyed }:) Her can clean up after his princess!

I just don't freakin' care anymore because whatever I say it criticized anyhow. Whenever she approaches me, I tell her "Ask your dad."

First time I did it, she gave me this confused look like whatcha just say? LOL It was priceless. But I haven't backed down. Unless it directly affects me like her asking me a million questions first thing in the morning or telling me some never ending story, I try to ignore her. Problem is she never backs off!

The more I disengage, the more she tries to engage me. She is not backing down. The more distance I want from her toxic personality, the more she wants to be in my face. I don't want to seem truly evil in front of DH but I am sick of her. DH is wonderful and really trying to find a balance. He is picking up ALL the slack related to SD thank God. He isn't happy about it but whatever. It's his child. He doesn't get to be happy. He gets to be a parent which means being miserable sometimes lol.

I wish she would get the hint (which i'm sure she gets but doesn't care) but i'm tired of waiting for her to back off. I am seriously annoyed, stressed out, and need a break. I crave for the weekend to be over so I can have my space back. Only mistake I made this morning was not going to the gym because I have a cold and wanted to sleep in before work.

What do you do when the kid is relentless no matter what? Sad

Patsy's picture

I personally think that if you are disengaging from the SD there is part of you disengaging for your DH. It never worked for me it only made me more crazy. SD always found a way to engage me much like what your SD did with the bathroom. If this is a pattern for her maybe tell DH he will have to shower with SD crapping in his toilet. Sorry I don't have more to share, but like i said it never really worked for me. I'm curious to see suggestions from the people it has worked for just in case I try it again...

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

Patsy, disengaging has saved my sanity. There are times when i'm clearly still annoyed like now. But overall, it has helped me from having panic attacks! I am no longer loosing hair over drama cocktail of the day.
I leave all of her drama as a tasty treat for DH to enjoy after work }:)

I just wish she would leave me the F alone! Especially when she KNOWS I don't want to talk to her. I've even told her at times, please tell your dad your story because i'm not interested in kid stories. Sounds cruel but I don't need to sugar coat things anymore. If she wants to play dirty like an adult, making accusations to inlaws that I hurt her, then she can take some of my refreshing honesty!

Funny thing is, she never approached me when DH wasn't around. She entertained herself and didn't feel the need to tell me a million stories if DH was at work some weekends. She does it all to put on a show for DH and to annoy me of course!

Patsy's picture

No it's not cruel. I think it is a hard thing to do. My SD gave me a ruff go for awhile but after 15 years I still can not do it at least not the right way LOL. I never got to the point of getting physically sick, if I had then maybe I would have tried harder to disengage. Trust me, I admire women who can do it.

OMG_Why_Me's picture

Tell you DH to shower in your bathroom and leave the other one open for SD. OR, make them use the same bathroom and tell him to wait until his daughter is done using the toilet before he takes his shower.

Also, I agree with the above statement. Disengaging means not responding and allowing her to drag you in. I've used the same reponse each time recently, "ask your dad". They all get it now!

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

Yah! I've told DH countless times she needs to go before him because she wakes up at the crack of down and has all the time in the world to poop before we even wake up lol. We only have 1 shower Sad
Even DH has noticed, she opens her door exactly after we open ours and runs to the bathroom the second before him! He gets annoyed so he tells her every day but she doesn't care. She knows he won't do anything other than yell at her.

She definitely gets it whenever I don't engage her and now even before she opens her mouth, i'm like "whatever it is, go ask you dad." She still comes to me first coz she loves a pissing contest Sad

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

You're absolutely right Echo. He's a pushover and he knows it. His response to me is always, "i'll talk to her." I used to push him to do something about it but now i just sigh and tell him what I want him to do lol.

He called me from work saying he'll talk to her later about this morning. I told him no point in talking. She can no longer use our bathroom. If she can't go before us, then she can hold it. If she can't hold it, she can wear diapers lol. He agreed. He is weak and SD knows it and totally takes advantage of it.

DH and I both realize she'll be a nightmare in a couple of years but if DH wants to live in la la land for the time being, what can I do? He's still hoping she'll magically change and "get better." LOL

I'm not going to point out the obvious anymore because it makes me the evil SM who is picking on his kid. Our relationship suffers because of my "nit picking" as he calls it.

How did your disengaging affect you when all the parenting was left to your DH? You said it helped your marriage but lets say if DH parented differently than you and was a push over and let the kids get away with crap, how did it affect you and your marriage? I'm just curious what to expect. I know DH can yell and scream at the top of his lungs which SD tunes out of course but he's not great at holding her accountable and I doubt he ever will.

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

WOW! I am a bit ashamed to admit that I would be scared not to pick up his kids if my kids went to the same school. That takes balls (no offense intended) and a VERY understanding husband Smile
I will do whatever I can to protect my sanity. I guess getting over the initial guilt was a biggy. Now i'm better about it because I know I served my time and tried my best.

I'm also afraid of CPS being called one day because of all of the dramatic lies SD conjures up. She has also accused me of horrible things to my in laws and they sadly believed her. Once we found out, we called her out on it. She tried the same crap with DH once when she was pissed about being grounded. She will say the most hurtful things over the tiniest of punishments because according to SD, she should be allowed to get away with murder without a peep from anyone. SMDH

That is partly why I disengaged. I do not want to be left alone with her unless an emergency because I don't know what she'll make up just to get me in trouble. This kid cannot be trusted and i've told DH this. He couldn't disagree.

He also agrees that he needs my advice and does come to me for help at times when he is frustrated with her. But he is a guilty daddy and ALWAYS without fail feels bad for punishing her. I wouldn't tell him what to do before even if he asked me because I didn't want to unintentionally manipulate him. But I realize he needs help! Some guys just need extra guidance. LOL

Thanks for your advice. I know SD is gonna be a total nightmare in a few years time so I just want to create some distance (as much as possible considering we have her 100% of the time).

Did I mention how much I love this site? Smile

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Do you have a smartphone? Get yourself a pair of earbuds. Walgreens carries really good ones for $5 a piece. I buy several sets at once. I wedge my iphone into my sports bra when I get up in the morning, stagger out to the coffee pot, suspend my coma long enough to fill the hopper with a filter and some grounds, and hit the "go" button. I'm NOT a morning person. I get up an hour before everyone else because I don't want to hear the sound of anything but my dog tapdancing until 7am.

Put the earbuds in your ears. It doesn't matter if there is noise coming out of them or not. If anyone even looks at you with their mouth open, simply shake your head, point to one earbud, and mouth the word "podcast". Then shrug. If that person keeps talking, avert your eyes and walk away. Ignore whatever they're saying as if you can't hear a word of it. No matter what it is. It only takes a few days of this for people to realize that earbuds=don't fucking talk to me. Same with a book raised to the face. If I'm reading, shut up. Nope. Don't care. Quiet. Shhhh. Can't hear you. Reading words!

It's hard at first, but ignore, ignore, ignore. Just ignore her. And read a book called "Try and Make Me." It's about Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It'll make you realize exactly how much we feed into the behavior by dignifying it with a response.

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

OMG You totally get me!!! It's like we're twins lol
I love those suggestions. DH is totally gonna be thrown off when he sees me sporting earbuds but a girls gotta go what a girls gotta do Dirol

I am NOT a morning person. I can barely fake a smile for DH in the morning. I want to be left alone til I have some caffeine in my system. Plus i'm a pretty hardcore introvert so random intrusions into my personal space REALLY throw me off. It's hard getting back into the zone when i'm working from home or trying to concentrate/reading when she interrupts. It boils my blood especially when it's over something stupid like can I get a glass of water? WTF! I usually say NO and smile. That'll teach her to ask me for some damn water!

Widget's picture

You know, it's funny.. my parents are leaving for Florida this week for 6 weeks and I'm so excited to have a place to escape to!

In the mean time, I spend a lot of time in our bedroom. I read, have netflix on the ipad, earphones in, tv on.. stuff like that. Door closed if it comes to that point. I think it bugs SO, but too bad.. I don't want to watch what they're watching in the living room, and I NEED me time!

I kind of feel like a 16 year old.. holed up in my bedroom.. but it's better than nothing. A cup of coffee in bed on a weekend by myself is heaven.

I get a bit pissy because the house is mine and i've managed to retain the bedroom as personal space only.. but it's better than nothing.

NotMyProblemAnymore's picture

Widget, I'm the same way. I love my space. It helps me unwind, be myself, and think.

I wasn't feeling good this weekend so instead of going out, I spent most of Sunday alone in my bedroom and loved it. I had a cup of tea, my laptop, my journal and a smile Smile

It sucks that you have to be isolated to just the bedroom even though it's your house! Why don't you suggest your SO/DH take the kids out for an ice cream so you can have your house to yourself for a bit?