I'm feeling much more optimistic right now. DH actually dropped off SS a little early before he left for work so that we could have a little more time. We talked about all of it and it made me feel better. We got to the hotel (if we didn't we'd have to leave our house at like 2-3am to get him to the airport and would rather spend the time cuddling together than driving) and got cuddle time and had some deep conversations that were much needed and just pure sweet alone time - more than I would normally get before he leaves.

However something that was said when we were close to the hotel didn't completely hit me until today. DH's friend and his wife got together around the same time we did - however they had a little baby girl today which will be interesting to see the next few months (She came in the relationship with a son and a daughter, and he came in with 2 boys and a little baby girl that isn't even 3 who adores her daddy and is going to have jealousy issues) and so I was thinking about the conversation DH and I had about having a baby.

DH and I have previously discussed wanting to have a child together but know that it is not feasible right now money wise, and not emotionally for SS not saying SS has a say but he is still growing out of the affectionate stage with DH - SS is 5 and DH encourages being independent but SS is still cuddling and you can tell that it seems like he growing independent but it's unpredictable with how BM has been acting the past few months, and is now making comments about how she misses DH's features (his figure, the fact that he's tall, etc) to SS and SS has brought it back to us since she got dumped and is now alienating him some more and looks like she is looking for another guy rather than focusing on her kids again. So who knows but SS also at this point is getting jealous of me focusing on my niece and babies period, and I try to be understanding that BM is somewhat of the cause but so we have mutually discussed we want him to be a little older so even if he does have issue he at least can comprehend that we are 'replacing' him or anything like that on a more mature level.

Anyways so we are talking something gets brought up and DH makes the comment "I know that I am ready for us to have our own family, and for you to have a baby I think we are perfectly ready emotionally and in all aspects except financially (I just got a pay decrease, and we are still trying to pay off bills, and car notes, we want to be pretty much financially sound other maybe a mortgage as I want to bring my child into my own home, not a rented home - a home that they will hopefully always know). And then he told me that he loved me and our relationship and how we actually have goals and plans rather than rushing into a baby though we both want one. DH and I try to be pretty rational and he is actually what seems to be one of the more understanding DH's from stuff that I read here.

This made me happy because even though I know SS would be another reason to be strategic of when it happens this is the first time we had a conversation about having a child of our own where SS didn't get brought up, it was all about US and US wanting and being ready for a family as a couple not including SS. It just made my heart melt that for once we could talk and it truly be about us and our future - even though I fully intend for SS to be a active part of our future and one day our child's life.