the anger and resentment
I am sooooo angry right now. I had just begun to get rid of some of my resentment about the situation.
My fiance and I are getting married in three months. He informed me that a day before the wedding he plans to drive 8 hours both ways to get his daughter so she can be the flowergirl. He is afraid to fly he says. I dont have an issue with her being in the wedding but an issue with his leaving town so close to the big day.
He has a problem with how much money I SPENT on our wedding and I feel he is trying to do all he can to take away from the day.
He tried something similiar for our engagement party but I convinced him it wasnt necessary to drive all the way there for that.
I think he is being very selfish because HE wants her there. Why does she care to see him marry another woman? if he would just fly her here or get someone else to get her it wouldnt be a problem. Im fuming.
NO it is 8 hour EACH way. He
NO it is 8 hour EACH way. He refuses to simply fly. He is trying to make the day about he and it isnt. It is about us and he and I are entering into the marriage. A childher age 8 is too young to serve as a witness and why does she really care about his marrying another woman. Also he really doesnt have a car that can withstand that type of a trip.
Getting her home is interfering with our honeymoon plans and we have so many little girls who can do the job here.
He is being selfish because he has a problem with the fact that he has a child outside of marriage and wants to pretend that we are a biological family. I have begun therapy as I am fuming and begining to resent him.
so he's driving 16 hours the
so he's driving 16 hours the day before your wedding. This would make me nervous. What if the car breaks down? What is something happens and he is not back in time for the wedding? If he is really committed to having her there then I think he needs to plan better. Perhaps he can pick her up 3 or 4 days prior-however he also needs to be sure that he will be able to watch her and still do what he needs to do before the wedding. How is your relationship with her? God forbid he thinks he can bring her down and stay at YOUR home and you watch her while you are trying to plan for your wedding. Perhaps he can take someone with him or borrow someone's car that will be reliable. And then he needs to make arrangements on how she is getting home (these arrangments need to be made prior to ever picking her up).
I dont see a problem with her being there in general-as long as he plans and make all the proper arrangements. Such as how is going to be watching her during ceremony? Reception? Night of the wedding? Who is taking her back? What will she be wearing for the ceremony? Etc
he rufeuse to fly and that is
he rufeuse to fly and that is making me angerer. I dont mind her bring in the wedding. I prefer it but the whole idea that is wants to plan the rehearsal dinner, honeymoon etc around her is crazy. Im going to try to talk to him again but I am really at a bad point right now. She will have to miss school if he gets her earlier and I think that too is selfish of him.
He doesnt want her to fly. Im
He doesnt want her to fly. Im going to try to talk to him about it again. If she fly up. We could grab her up in time for the rehearsal and to make sure the dress fits etc. The day after the wedding we could put her on a plane and she would miss a lot less school.
I think he is trying to be controlling in this situation. She and I arent close and he resents that I never tried to step in a be her mommy. I resent that he is trying to make everything about her. Im going to try to talk some since into him again but it is really pissing me off. The drive is between 8 hours each way. Then to have to turn around and take her right back. It is unfair to have a child in a car for basically 32 hours! CMON
You may want to reconsider
You may want to reconsider this marriage, it is obvious that you are marrying the "MY KIDS COME FIRST!" kind of dad. Unless you always want to feel like you are second and that your feelings don't matter, you should reconsider the wedding.
i going to try one more thime
i going to try one more thime to pitch it in a reasonable way. He acn fly her up the day before and we can get her dress relax and attend the rehearsal and the dinner that evening. The next day is the ceremony and the day after we can wake up and put her on a plane before we go tothe honeymoon.
It is wrong in my eyes to have a child spend 40 hours on the road when she can sepnd four each way on a plane. The adults in the situation werent thinking about her.
okay, 16 hours driving is
okay, 16 hours driving is just not safe - and so much more so the day before your wedding.
I can see that you don't want her at he wedding, but its really no big deal, and she'll feel totally like an outsider if she's not there, and you could be layign the first brick of major discontent.
surely he can find some other plan....
I don't have much to add
I don't have much to add except it doesn't ever get any better. If his daughter is his top priority now, she always will be. I was a fool to think after we were married & had our own kids my DH would change how he treats me (always putting me as an afterthought, after SD13) :sick:
I unfortunately have to agree
I unfortunately have to agree with those who are trying to warn you about the probable outcome of this.
Daaaaadddddddyyyyyys don't want their daughters to be second to anyone.
They will lie to themselves, to you and to thier daughters to save the daddy/daughter relationship. Welcome to the world of the guilt dad a.k.a disney dad complex.
The only cure lies within the guilt dad themselves - unfortunately it is very rare this condition is ever really corrected. Guilt daddys try putting band aids on what the SMs deem to be the problem - thus placating the SM, but it is never truly fixed.
I can only speak for myself here, but if I had known the width and depth of the dysfunctional relationship that my DH and his daughter have I would have walked away before getting involved. Once you are involved you do what you can to make everything seem normal and hang on to your hat when you are hit with one of the many waves. My SD was an adult when I came on the scene and everything was fine until she realized I wasn't leaving. Maybe you will be one of the fortunate SMs and you SD will accept you and grow to be a part of your family.
Only you know what you are willing to deal with and only you can make the descisions for you and your future.
The timing is bad being one
The timing is bad being one day before the wedding other than that and possible fatigue. I understand having his daughter is important to him. I do not see the problem in that. I don't believe he is putting priority of his daughter over you. I would want my child at my wedding but she was not and either were my DH kids. We eloped and my daughter was on vacation with my parents. His were in town and he suggested they be there and I said no because mine would not be there and we planned to elope. I didnt want my daughter to feel left out later knowing his were present. The wedding is about the two of you. I don't understand the correlation of him making it about him. Anyway, I suggest you ask him to find one to two persons to go with him to share the driving and don't waste energy over this matter. If you do call the wedding off becasue of this then that is just ignorant. Really?
I would be fuming too. Its
I would be fuming too. Its fine to want her there but 16 hours the day before the wedding and Im assuming 16 hours sometime soon after the wedding. Whats left for you? He'll probably crash and sleep the whole first day of your honeymoon. I want to say I admire a father who is that dedicated but these men dont think reasonably. My DH was one of them. Took 10 years before the "daddy guilt" would stop.My Dh called my SD from Hawaii because in the beginning he would call her 2x a day to "say hello". It was in their divorce papers. We have the most vindictive BM also. Just what I wanted on my honeymoon-arguing and snide comments.I hope youre in this for the long haul.This will probably continue for a while.
As for the flying-I hate it but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do! Totally unreasonable to drive that far in one day and I would be fuming alternating with crying about the situation.(which I was doing the day before my wedding for more SD and BM nonsense also). Is there a train or possibly someone can meet him halfway?Can she come a day or two early or is school an issue?Ugh I know how you feel. This is YOUR day and its hard not to feel resentment.
I can totally understand wanting his child there.Looking back at pix and having her there and including her in his "new" family but sometimes its just not possible.To me 8 hours each way is NOT reasonable.These men AND women need to understand what DIVORCE is. There are compromises and things that wont be able to be done like an "intact" family. I always said our BM wants her cake and to eat it too.
I know it sucks and it puts a damper on everything.You always feel youre taking a backseat to his needs with his daughter.My DH now says he regrets all those crazy days of "guilty daddy" and making us jump through hoops to see SD and include her. . Better late then never I guess.Hang in there and good luck
I spoke with him and I made
I spoke with him and I made sure he understodd that he has to considere several things. One she is a child and it is unfair to force here to ride in a car for that long. Also that drive will be draining for both of them. I asked him to consider is it really about her or HIM!
I asked him to please consider either flying her up and driving her back or flyinf her both ways. I believe he is coming around. I have no problem with her being in the wedding. It will be exciting for all of us. He is doing the right thing but the wrong way! I am hoping he comes around and flies her up so that we can enjoy our time before the wedding having the rehearsal and getting last minute items and having fun together instead of them on the road and us worrying about them.
I think he is almost seeing it my way. Praying he comes around.