Is anyone else scared?
Is anyone scared about how it's going to turn out having kids with their husband who already has kids of his own?
I used to think longingly about the day that I would have children, what they would look like, what they would grow up to be, etc etc.
I grew up in a family who didn't have any divorces, no stepkids, stepsiblings, or steppartents. My mother has been with the same guy for over 20 years, and we have always and still do get along well, but i do not assume a stepdaughter role, and he does not assume a stepfather role. (My bio dad passed away when I was very young). Because of this, I've never really believed in the "step" anything role of any kind. I let my husband know when we got engaged that I never wanted the title of stepmother, it made me uncomfortable. I've always viewed things as you meet that one person who is your other half, who makes you a better person, you get married, and have a family that is a product of a loving, healthy relationship in a stable home environment and you take all those things that you love about your husband/wife and all the adventures and traditions you have built together and pass them onto your kids.
I'm not personally knocking anyone who has done it any other way, that's just how i feel.
I'm getting increasingly nervous thinking about what's going to happen when me and DH start a family of our own....I have waited to have kids with that one person, and even though he barely knew BM and did not want her to have the kid when she showed up at his door saying she was pregnant, the fact is there is still a kid that's his and not mine.
So I don't know how I may handle it, since when I think about it, I can see the smallest indiscrepancy making me upset. This would be my first experience raising a baby, but not his. I don't want him to pull the "experience" card, and try to relate everything to what he went through with his kid.
I also can see myself getting upset with DH if he doesn't put our kids first. Again, sorry, just the way I can see myself feeling.
I can also see myself not wanting to deal with bratty tantrums and a pis$ poor attitude from his kid during visitation while i'm pregnant. I have a short temper now, I'm sure it won't be better at that point.
Anyone else's prior excitement about starting a family with their significant other get clouded over by fears of the "blended family" situation?
I can see why you would be
I can see why you would be terrified. There are some scary stories on this site.
But for every horror story you read, there are thousands of happy blended families.
I share the same concerns you
I share the same concerns you do. I told my SO once when we have kids, if I ever hear "when BM was pregnant..." I will lose my ever-loving mind...lol, he's been warned! I was thinking about it today, when we are little we think about all the things we want when we grow up, what we want to do (ballerina), handsome husband, 2 1/2 kids...I doubt any one of us said I want to be a step-mother...I want to have my first child with someone who is equally scared and excited who can marvel at the process and not feel like it's old hat because he did it twice with someone else! I don't want to deal with his kids' jealousy over the (imaginary at this point) new baby. When I am in a panic because the baby has a slight fever I want him to panic too and not tell me stories about when the skids had fevers and lived through it. And yes, I want my baby to be the center of attention too! So, I feel the same way you do, can't say if it's normal or not....
Bittersm - the inevitable
Bittersm - the inevitable jealousy with the SD over the "sometime in the future" baby is also a concern of mine. I feel that what should be a happy experience for me and DH is just going to turn into a nightmare.
I also get nervous for what BM would do...She turned into a monster when we went from dating to engaged, then engaged to married. When we got back from our honeymoon she made sure there were court papers waiting in our mailbox (nice huh?) So I can just imagine what she will do when we decide to have a kid, and SD will no longer be the "only child".
Yeah, doesn't look like a nice experience lol
yeah, I knew she was immature
yeah, I knew she was immature and vindictive but I gotta say that was a shock even for her. Deffinately made us want to turn aroud and head right back to the hotel lol
I have thought over and over
I have thought over and over about this! I myself am quite curious about how it would all turn out in the end. My Fiance and his son are sooo close, I mean hes definitely a daddy suck. SS3 and daddy do everything together. Fiance likes to cuddle and kiss and hug his son more then he does me! Its hard to imagine bringing another baby into the world with him when he already has this little boy whom he finds perfect. Where would our new baby stand next to his first? Its a tough call. I would HATE him to pull the "experience" card on me as well. I've always pictured raising my first child with my husband to be something to learn and experience together, not have one parent be bored while I'm simply excited about babys first steps etc... Simple things like that worry me too.
Will he get up with new baby in the wee hours of the morning too? Or state that he had to do it for whatever amount of years already? Its very hard. When I first started to date my Fiance and told me about his son he also mentioned never wanting another child afterwards. He said he always only ever wanted one and he got him. His perfect little boy. It was almost a deal breaker for me, especially since I wanted children but he changed his mind and when we got engaged he began talking about how soon to start on our own little family together. Thats when all these questions and worries hit me. I wish I had advise for you but since I'm on the same boat I'm looking for some myself! I guess my point of responding was to let you know that yes, there are others out there who feel the same.
krenee86 - you know after
krenee86 - you know after reading the response and thinking about the whole situation it makes me wonder, should I even be entertaining the thought of bringing a kid into this? I mean DH has a kid that was unplanned with an ex gf, he is already a part time dad. So is he going to be a full time dad to our kid? Or is he going to be a part time father to our (future) kids too even though we are happily married and will plan and be ready to start a family? Do I want to bring a baby into the world not knowing or being confident of what kind of father he is going to be?
And like you said, if he doesn't get excited about little things, and isn't there for the kind of crappy stuff (you know, getting up 1, 2, 3 a.m., changing 5 million diapers)I will sure as sh%t be really upset and resentful, you know??
Argh...so many variables and so much "what if's"
That was actually very
That was actually very comforting! Thank you spunki!
I haven't read the replies. I
I haven't read the replies. I understand why you would feel that no step roles are to be taken but honestly if the bm is still in the picture you have no choice but to be the step mom. Your situation was different in that your father died. BM is STILL their mom period. If you try to be mom and bm is like no way no how you WILL have problems. The best thing I ever did was say I;m not their mom and let their parents raise my skids. When they are here my dh takes care of them in all aspects if dh is not here I handle it.
you need to talk to your dh about this before you have kids with him so you 2 are on the same page about parenting and everything including his kids.