Hate to be so blunt, but giving birth to a child really does bring you Golden Uterus status. At some deep level, kids always, always want their momma. That is just the way it is. There are all sorts of theories about the bonding that takes place for nine months between mother and child, it being survival DNA, and everything inbetween. But, it is what it is. It doesn't matter if BM is a known thief, murderer, drug-addict, etc. BM will always get a pass on her behavior, bio-dad will get a couple of passes, and SM will get zero.

So, just by virtue of giving birth, BM will have a huge, huge advantage. And, maybe that is the way it should be. I don't know?! Again, I'm just saying it is what it is. After a divorce, BMs are usually elevated to a higher status, a/k/a being the single mom. Bio-dads, on the other hand, are usually deescalated to a lower status, a/k/a deadbeat dad. Also, BM is usually the primary custodial parent. So, when BM gets remarried, her new husband gets to float along up to her status level. Also, BM is right there pointing out to her children what a wonder man and father her new husband is, and BMs also may not-so-innocently say such things as, "look what your step-father does for you--your own lazy dad would have never done that."

Meanwhile, SM's connection is by virtue of being deadbeat bio-dad's wife. SM automatically gets started off at a huge disadvantage. Even though they may have gotten together years after the divorce, SMs are still viewed in American society as "the other woman." What winds up happening is Bio-dad and SM are always having to fight an uphill battle for recognition, much less appreciation in the lives of bio-dad's children.

Thus, step-fathers often fare much better than step-mom. Not always, by any means, but you'll see far more step-fathers walking their SD down the aisle, sitting with BM up front and so on vs. step-mothers being even remotely treated as dad's wife at any of their SKs weddings.

Only a parent who is a waste of skin and does not actually contribute positively to the lives of their children is replaceable. IMHO.

As a StepFather I believe the reason why SFs seem to have it easier than SMs is that generally we are not saddled with an inherent need to nurture. We are bout results and the results we are about with SKids is reasonable behavior. I thing we are less give-a-shit about our StepSpawn liking us as long as their behaviors comply with our standards and expectations. Because BMs and SMs both are far more nurture focused they seem to take exception to the other's presence and are more sensitive to how the Skids "feel" about them.

Some BioDads and StepDads struggle with these things too but I think it is far less than with BMs & SMs.

Just my opinion of course.

I agree with idliven's analysis. Spot on. I also have a bit to add.

The common denominator to stepmoms is dads. We have had stepmoms on here who had no bm to deal with due to death but they had the same problems. Remember BarkattheMoon, anyone? I'm sure there are others, too.

There seems to be a not uncommon variety of man who has one or all of these features:

1. Afraid of their own children, especially daughters.

2. Thinks all behavior of a child can be explained by "s/he's just a kid." Apparently the child will outgrow the behavior instantly upon turning 18. Or 21. Or 35. Or 65.

3. Has no comprehension that children need to be taught millions of different skills and behaviors to become successful adults. ("Successful = emotionally healthy, physically healthy, self-sufficient, law-abiding, etc.)

4. Tunes out children's behavior, instead of giving them the guidance and correction and development they need, and thinks he "doesn't mind kids" as if anyone who objects to dreadful behavior is a kid-hater.

5. Completely unmindful of basics of civilization such as manners, hygiene, social skills. Has mastered these things himself but tunes out his children in all these respects. Couldn't care less if they eat with their fingers at table or dominate the conversation or torment a sibling. Doesn't see it.

6. Are afraid of the courts and therefore of their ex-wives. Or vice versa. Toss in fear of in-laws, and other miscellaneous 3rd parties.

7. Feels guilty about the pleasure of a new partner therefore works to sublimate the whole thing below the "first" family. Exacerbated by having been emotionally beat up by ex-wife therefore feels everything he does is wrong or selfish and by extension new wife must be wrong and selfish, too. Not to mention has had his sense of boundaries warped out of all proportion.

8. Is flat out exhausted by childcare he feels unprepared for and unsuited to do so allows chaos.

Women are much more likely to understand little minds need shaping, skills do not emerge fully formed upon the 18th birthday, and dreadful behavior is absolutely not ok. Women are more likely to be disgusted by horrible table manners, household filth, and terrible personal hygiene. Women can generalize that the child will be a giant failure outside the home if they are doing these things inside the home. Women can see a child with terrible social skills will be an outsider at school etc etc etc.

And finally, women have some expectation that a man who has wooed them to the moon and back will defend them when attacked. Therefore they are intensely hurt when he stands by and passively watches it happen.

So what we end up with are children who are primed in utero to stick to that one particular woman for survival with all the savagery they can marshal and men who are primed to take on a glazed blind eye while their offspring attack and spin out of control.

That's why stepmoms have it worse than stepdads do.

I can't agree that it's because women want to be "liked" or even need to "nurture." We don't want to be bullied and assaulted or disgusted or stuck with dysfunctional children. We can see what's right in front of us and we can extrapolate both ahead (future) and beyond (outside the home) and we have rational objections to those outcomes.

I am an excellent mother to four daughters. I take them awesome places. I buy them awesome things. I am at all their events . I make them do homework and eat their veggies. I have rules and Chores and I am very affectionate . Yet they are all daddy's girls . They all love their dad the very best and I am second fiddle always. I really wanted my last one to be a boy so at least one would
Be mine but alas she is a fourth daddy's girl