Comparing our kids
I blogged on this earlier but am looking for some advice on what others did in a situation similar or if it's hopeless :/ so I reposted it here
So...FDH came home crabby from work yesterday and my bd was being a huge brat and it was WWIII from there. God forbid my BD act like an 8 year old spoiled brat and throw a fit about hmwk. Was she being a brat? Absolutely, but bc I didn't scream at her and spank her, "I didn't do anything about it". I was frustrated with her, I yelled at her about being disrespectful and she got sent to bed.
My FDH was so angry "I didn't do anything about it" and how dare a kid yell at him and his precious perfect kids would have never done that and if they did he would've done something about it blah...blah..blah, We were fighting in the garage about this for atleast 20 min. I was so angry, R u f'ing kidding me? Look at how your kid treats you!! She demands to be brought here and there and needs money for this, doesn't appreciate shit, she's ungrateful, disrespectful and rude. I told him exactly how I felt, straight up.
We obviously don't agree with each other's parenting styles but we cannot sit and compare kids everytime we don't agree with how eachother disiplines or we might as well call it quits now (I said this to him as well). This is complete bullshit, I was so angry. I let so much shit go with his f'ing daughter, it kills me to keep my mouth shut but I'm working on disengaging and it's his kid so be it. But he freaks out over something that wasn't even that big of deal with my bd, and doesn't even see what his daughter does, makes excuses for her constantly. FML, we got over it and I told him that I'm her mom and I'm tired of fighting over homework and I dealt with it how I felt it needed to be dealt with. But I'm still angry he even has the nerve to compare my kid to his kid and start the whole "well if my kid did that...." UGHHHHHHHHH! I wanna scream, if my kid acted like your teenager I'd shoot myself so let's not go there.
I walked in the kitchen and he was hugging her and she was crying and he was apologizing to her and offering that they would go to counseling to work through all these feelings she's having, apparently this is the hardest time of year for her bc it's her birthday and her parents aren't together (they have been divorced for over 5 years) she walked out as soon as I walked in, so I'm automatically the piece of shit for being dads girlfriend? Yup, in her eyes. Thats fine, if it wasn't me it would be someone else AND your dad HATES your mom. And she's acting like this is the first birthday since the divorce, am I being insensitive here??? And OMG his baby girl is crying and is super emotional right now blah blah blah, everyone cater to her bc she is upset and life is so unfair to her and she got robbed bc her parents aren't together, seriously??? More then half the kids in the US have divorced parents why is this so earth shattering after 5 years???? I hope he does get her counseling, she needs it.
Oh yea, and we are celebrating an anniversary this weekend, guess who decided she wants her BBQ a week early on our anniversary????? Not happenin little bitch, her dad actually shut her down real quick :jawdrop: SHOCKER
Gosh I am right there with
Gosh I am right there with you
Keep a journal. Write down
Keep a journal. Write down all kids behaviors (yours and his) and how it was handled and by whom.Also write down the child's reaction to the punishment. Keep records of how many times he "retracts" punishment because his kids are "traumatized". Next time he says "you didn't do anything' pull it out and say "If you want to 'compare' kids, here. I did handle. I handled it MY way, just like you handle yours YOUR way.
My so is like this but
My so is like this but opposite, if that makes sense. He is always comparing bd5 and sd6, but bd5 (my bd not his ) always comes out on top he wants to know why sd6 can't act like her, she's much more mature emotionally than sd6 who crys and freaks our at everything, I just tell him its how she's been raised. I don't coddle my girls (bd5, bd4 and bd1) I love them but have standards for them. It really upsets him that sd6 is a complete know it all brat, as he calls her and since they are following eachother in grades sd will be in 1st and bd will be in kindergarten, he got the list of things that sd is supposed to be working on over the summer and told me were gonna teach bd these things too so sd can quit being such a know it all. I just don't want it to become a competition for them their whole lives.
The are no unwounded children
The are no unwounded children in a divorce. Expecting her to 'buck up' or 'suck it in' is hardly adult behavoir.
I'd suggest you leave all discipline to Dad. Homework isn't done when he gets home - let Dad handle it.
Use the search engine on this site and search for 'disengage'. This is what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
Yes, he was criticizing how I
Yes, he was criticizing how I handeled the situation and I was upset because he is in NO position to criticize anyone on parenting and how they handle situations. Thats why I was upset
I forgot to give you my basic
I forgot to give you my basic advise to unmarried parents. Don't. Get married that is. Maintain seperate households. Tryst on your free weekends when the kids are all gone and you will have complete control over your kids and he over his. No sparks.
I'm serious. Place your kids welfare ahead of your libido and wait unti they're out of high school to marry. Let me assure you that your years of raising kids will be much happier.
WE already live together
WE already live together
There are SOOO many SM's on
There are SOOO many SM's on here who compare their bios to their steps all the time. MY kids aren't allowed to be like that... etc.
I think your BF probably had a point. I think you have a point. I think it always, always works best if bios parent their own kids.
Period.
It sounds like its time for
It sounds like its time for everybody to start acting like a family. Im going through this now. SD comes over and it's all about her, I dont think so, when shes not here we are a happy family. Good luck this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life!!!!!!!
Me too! Good Luck! I would
Me too! Good Luck! I would love for us all to come together as a family but it's really hard when SD doesn't accept me. It creates a whole lot of bad feelings, resentment, stress and tension when she is around.
Had this problem once last
Had this problem once last summer. I have 2 daughters (5 & 4), my fiance has one daughter (4). My youngest throws a fit (over who knows what, she was 3 it was normal toddler behavior) and he flipped out on her. Like screaming at her. I of course stepped in and I got the 'oh my daughter never does that' blah blah blah. I did not hesitate to go off right back at him. I explained that my daughter is NOT his daughter (meaning they are not the same person) and that he had no right to compare them. Now guess who they whiney little brat of the family is? His perfect little girl. Not so perfect anymore huh?
I have the opposite going on.
I have the opposite going on. SO is more tolerant of my kids than I am. And I mostly let him deal with his own kids, unless SD is doing something dangerous.
The comparison lies internally with me. I privately am mad at my kids when they do something wrong because I can't stand for them to do something worse than skids. I know, shame on me...
I'm so glad that my bios are
I'm so glad that my bios are also DH's bios. I don't really have to deal with this...but I can see how it pisses you off. My DH tries to tell me that the reason why his son, my stepson, is so messed up is because of....you guessed it. The divorce! Give me a break!!! SS is 24 freaking years old! They divorced when he was 4!
Hopefully this is not my
Hopefully this is not my future:o