"(BM doesn't parent, so she wouldn't put restrictions or filters on them)"
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1) The way you present your situation, your DH hasn't put restrictions or filters on them either, so it isn't just BM who isn't parenting.

2) It's up to you to monitor your child & her things. It's up to your DH to monitor his children & their things. If you stop prying in their things, them deleting their text messages doesn't have to affect you. It's affecting you because of a choice YOU make when you pry & don't find what you want to find. Focus on your kid & what she's doing rather than his kids & what you think they may or may not be doing & needing to control it.

3) I suggest you talk to your DH about his lack of parenting if it's an issue for you. Tell him your expectations & find out whether or not he's willing to follow through. If he isn't willing to make rules & enforce them & you don't want to support that on your dime, cut them off. He can set up his own account & pay for their unsupervised phones.

Tell the kids the electronics given to them by BM need to stay at BM's house. You can't control what goes on there, but you can in your own house. If your gut tells you they are up to no good on the ipads..then they need to leave them at BM's.

Do you have reason to believe that the txts are no good? Maybe they just don't want you reading their personal conversations? That would be like listening in on a phone call. I don't think I'd tell them I'm going to read through their messages, but I would require at bedtime they must leave their phones out and not take them to bed.

I am amazed at how some of you think this is none of her business. What if these kids are looking at porn. Is her name on the house? Could she, in any way be implicated for child porn in her home? My guess is that she certainly could be. So yes, this issue affects her. Perhaps they are sending nudie pics of themselves to others. Again, if this is occurring in her home it does affect her.

Last year when my ss moved in with us-I put the same restricitons on him as I did my other kids. Passwords need to be given over if you want to use the computer. He didnt feel like he should have to do that. Fine, I didnt care. it just means you dont use the computer unsupervised. As it was, dh was supervising him one night, got up to take a phone call, when he came back 5 minutes later ss was looking at porn. So he lost the privilege of any internet rights at home. Was that my business? Of course it was.

Adults in their own home should be able to set household rules for anyone in their home. Really has nothing to do with parent or stepparent. If I let my niece move in with us or stay with us every other weekend and she was using electronics frequently I would certainly put the same rules in place for her as I do for my own children. I wouldnt say, oh, well, I cant do that only her parents can. That's BS!

I really think the goal of any family, including blended ones, would be to support a harmonious household. To create a family unit. Not several separate families under one roof. I know that is what many end up with and some even make it work, but I dont in anyway think that anyone thinks this is the ideal. The ideal would be that all parts of the family would function as a whole or unit. I know some have given up on this as a goal-but for those of you that are still working toward it-you cant have separate rules for the visiting skids vs resident bios. You need to have household rules.

Dad cannot parent his kids in a vaccuum, and have that not effect the stepmom or other kids in the home. To think this is reasonable, and actually a good thing, is ridiculous. Likewise, a bio mom can't parent her own kids in any way she likes and think it has nothing to do with her husband and his visiting or resident children. The adults in the home need to be on the same page and need to make decisions together for their household.

I think we can all agree that the step world is a tricky one. Stepmomsoon, you have hit a hot button for many of us.

A family unit must work together to be successful, step or otherwise. Agree with your DH on what is acceptable to you both. Then enforce it. In my lowly opinion, you have a family meeting. Their dad tells them the new rule, they you both see to it that the rules are followed in "your" home. And when I mean your I mean your family unit.

Like you we do not live separate. However FDH does 95% of the parenting in our house. He is on his A game in this area because of his counselling degree.

I also believe children should be checked on and the internet is a great resource but it also can expose our children to some very unhealthy thing. No child should have any device in your home that your DH doesn't have the passwords to.

I liked what one of the other posters said. Mom bought it for you so leave it at moms and use it there. This might be a solution also.

What ever it is, you and your DH need to spell it out together, I do believe in a united front.

I read a news article about a mom that gave her son like an 18 point rule book on his i-phone and I loved it. Yes, their mom may have given them the device, but it's your house, your rules. They should have to follow the EXACT same rules as your BIO kids or else they are being treated better and that's not fair. I would give them a choice: Either you get the password and they stop deleting things, or leave the devices at their moms. Kids are entitled to some privacy, but not the same amount as an adult, and certainly not if their behavior is sneaky.

Snooping is a volatile issue I see.

As far as the kids being on the electronics all the time, pick ur battles. Set limits. I physically take xbox remotes with me. You cam always shut down the wi fi at bedtime. Change the password etc. It's a pain, but if it stresses and worries u, it might be worth it.

Have you talked to DH and asked his opinion?

Also, I have Verizon and on the "My Verizon" site that you can set up when you get your plan or any time after, you can see the phone numbers, times, length of calls, etc for each phone on the plan. Like if you want to see if one of them was up "last night" texting, you can see the time and the number for each text, whether there were pictures sent, and all of that. I dont know what your plan is but you should try for what ever service you have or call Customer Service and see what you can do to have access to that info.

Also, I would make it a requirement that you and DH have the passwords for their ipads or what ever if they have them at your house. That will be a rule if any of our children ever have something like that, or even a facebook. "I will have access or you will have no internet".

They are at the age where you SHOULD be worried. And so should DH. And BM, for that matter. Talk with DH and share how you feel and get his feelings on it as well. They should not have that kind of privacy and resources at that age. They need parental control, whether you take that meaning on their iPads or in real life. I mean it in real life. They are not old enough to have free reign on stuff like that.

Hope that helped!

Parent or not, I would be wondering why they are deleting them messages and get their dads take on it then decide on how its going to get handled.

Is their dad aware that teenagers that age are often sexting?

I'm not going to get into the whole who's parenting when, why or how. It's an argument that most should simply agree to disagree about.

I think there is a difference between monitoring usage and "snooping". I had pwds and access to all of my kids' online activities, as well as cell phone records. And yes, they knew that I would occasionally check what they were up to. Emails and cell phones - I was more interested in whether they were contacting/being contacted by people I didn't know or had not heard about (yes, both had online friends who we didn't *know*, but they didn't hide their existence). Online? I looked at history, scanned their FB/MySpace/Tumblr pages. Again, more for those who we didn't know and might be steering my kids in an unsafe direction more than actual content.

Kids are going to use STFU online between themselves. Language isn't something I'm bothered about. Porn? I'm also not to bothered about, although it was something we talked about when I found it. Most kids (yes, girls, too) at some point explore porn. I did. I also found my parents' copy of Joy of Sex & similar and read them cover to cover (covertly) several times over. With my two, we talked about how those in the photos/videos were someone's sons/daughters, possibly someone's sisters/brothers. How often young people get involved due to the money, and find it is not as easy to stop being involved. That some of it is degrading, and some of it is not. But that all of it is staged and not representative of real life or real relationships.

In terms of email/texts? If they came from someone who was not a complete stranger? I didn't read them. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that I have the right to intrude on conversations between my kids and family members. Close friends? Nah. Even if there was bitching about me - not worth reading. We all need a place/way to vent.

Clearing history or texts? A lot would depend. I clear mine pretty regularly. Having too much in there slows down performance, so it's part of good "housekeeping". OP said that one kid has been clearing texts from the get-go. Easier (and faster) to do regularly, than waiting until you get that "Inbox Full" message.

The bigger issue *I* would have is the late night usage, if it is affecting the kid's ability to function the next day. If kiddo can't get up for school or necessary activities on the w/e? Then restrict usage after a certain time. If it doesn't? Don't. Personally, school would be a deal-breaker for me. Can't get up? No more phone, iPad, etc. after certain time until kiddo can show that they can control their usage. W/e's? Eh... WOuld depend on what was going on.

If OP's husband is okay with her monitoring the kids' online activities, then that is all there is to THAT discussion.

The electronics may have been a gift from the outside parent (parent not living in the home) but it's the responsibility of all parents (including step-parents) to monitor it's usage. It's a safety issue. Here's my suggestion:

Have a family meeting. Discuss your concerns about the overusage of technology and explain why it's unsafe. Listen to their comments and concerns, as they are valid, and remind them that electronics are privilages and not neccessities. You are obliged to have access in order for them to continue using their equipment, so all passwords must be deactivated in order for you to reactivate your own set of passwords. They will complain, and you can remind them what your role is as a parent and how important safety is to you.

The iPad has 2 security features: One is to access the iPad and the other is to access the restrictions. I would set both. You can also download timers (iGameTimer, $1.99) that allows a person a set limit of time. When time is up, the iPad shuts down and a password is needed to reactivate it. This feature is great because it takes away the power struggle between the parent and child. If the outside parent is NOT on board (or is untrustworthy), have the item stay at the outside parent's house.

Also, I think there is a way to forward text messages into your Outlook email account. That way, if they get deleted, you still have a copy of your own.

There's a difference between having privacy and keeping secrets. In my house, we do not keep secrets because it's not healthy IMO. I respect my son's privacy but if there's ever a reason for me to be concerned, I will check his personal items. It's our job as parents - particularly, in this internet world. There is such thing as too much information and when it comes to children, this thinking applies to them.

Put the parental controls on your router. That way it affects the connection coming into your house and you don't have to change each device. You can set all sorts of things, like what sites they can visit, how long it's on for and between what times of the day... The other easier thing to do is buy one of those timers that you can plug your router into so it switches on and off at certain times. Doesn't give you any control over what they look at but it's easier for those who aren't technically minded

I had a similar problem with my ss. He has a celk phone that his bm bought him that he WAS bringing here, only problem was he was calking amd texting all hours of the night and waking up my bs that shares a room with him. I asked that my dh talk to his son about it, but that didnt help. We then talked to bm about it, which as well got us no where. Then I tried to call my ss on his cell ohone and found out that my number and his dads number were blocked from calling it! After that we made it perfectly clear that the cell phone had no place in our house, bm dud not like it, but this is not her house, it is ours and if he needs to use a phone we each have a cell that is avalible to him whenever he wants.

Your house, your rules. If they don't let you monitor their iPads, they can check them at the door. Since they have empty text logs, then cancel their texting capabilities "since they don't use it anyway"

I have 3 Bios and one step ages 9-13. I used to be a middle school teacher before having my kids and I run the house and the kids with many of the techniques I learned from other teachers during the several years I taught.

Kids all know that phones and tablets get plugged in for recharging at 8 pm when we all retire to our rooms for the night. They also know that we reserve the right to monitor/read/etc. Passwords are not allowed on children's devices - at least not when I buy them.

BM gave skids cell phones when they were 10 and 8. The first time they brought them to our house DH laid down the rules. Only allowed to use them in the living room, never allowed in their room. And they could only use them for limited time during the day but I mean come on at that age do they even need a cell phone? Geesh. Anyways, now they are 13 and almost 12. They received new cell phones last summer, YSS never brings his but OSS does and he started deleting all his messages. DH told him he wasn't allowed to do that except with family members. We don't need to read texts from their mom, etc.

Now for OSS's birthday this year we got him a Kindle Fire. Before it was in his hands as a gift the parental controls were on and password protected with DH's password. Internet access was blocked. Those tablets are just mobile computers.

BM allowed skids to have Facebook accounts several years ago. DH's rule was that they could get on Facebook but they were not allowed to use the instant messaging that Facebook has.

You just have to have rules and stick by them. Skids don't even question the Facebook/cell phone thing now. Of course BM still does.....