Ex that wants him back...struggling to be understanding and compassionate
Met my SO a year and 1/2 ago and moved in with him a couple of months ago. He is separated (just a couple of months before meeting me) from his wife of 23 years and has two kids...17 and 19. While we were seeing each other, and even when I first moved in with him, there was little contact with the ex. Pretty much just a twice weekly email with her telling him how much money she needs. After he moved out, neither she or the kids bothered to find out where he was living...which was just a few miles away, but to me it shows how little they cared.
In August, SO told his boys about me, and they were fine with it. They seemed to understand.
About 6 weeks ago the ex, or I should say soon to be ex (maybe ?), decided she wanted my SO back (after a year and 1/2 of not caring at all), and she has absolutely gone off the deep end. She calls his cell at least a dozen times a day begging him to "come home to us." It's sickening. He takes her calls and tries to comfort her. Although every now and then he gets tough on her...I've heard him tell her he is home, meaning with me, and I've heard him tell her that he's never going back, and he tells me he's never going back even if I died tomorrow, but this is so difficult! He'll backtrack and tell her he understands and he is "with her" when she tells him the pain she is in.
A few days ago, she begged to see him. Said she had to seem him soon. This weekend in fact. We live 6 hours from her, and my SO told me he wanted to sit with her and explain things and do a couple of things with his kids. So here I am sitting in a hotel room, while he is over at her house. He's been there most of the day. I know he is sending her mixed signals in trying not to squash her, and she is saying she can't live without him, that their kids don't have a mother anymore, that she just wants to try again. It's just horrible and she's got the kids acting as messengers. The youngest one, 17, called me last night and told me NOT to come to this town. That they couldn't be a "family" if I came, and then he hung up on me. I've not met this son. I've met the 19 year old and have had dinner numbers of times, and we get along fine. He is a sweet boy. Needless to say the 17 year old hates me already.
I know I'm rambling...should I just wait it out? Is there anything to do expect hope for the best? He's living with me, and we live 6 hours from her which is a good thing, and he assures me constantly that I have nothing to worry about, that he is committed to me, but the emotional stress and trauma she is causing for me, my SO and her kids is becoming devastating.
I can't say that I've ever
I can't say that I've ever been in your shoes, but it appears that you have two options. One, you can hang in there, ride it out and see what happens. Two, you can separate for now, with the intention of resuming your relationship once his divorce is final and he's dealt with his baggage. The only problem with option number two is that sometimes there's just no getting rid of that baggage... especially if the ex is insistent on remaining a fixture in his life. Being that the kids are older, though, and well on their way to adulthood and, hopefully, independence, she'll only be able to use them as an excuse to make contact for a short time. I think if it were me, I would probably encourage him to limit contact with her to once-weekly emails only and only if they contain legitimate concerns about the kids. No phone calls unless it is an emergency and no face-to-face meetings. By answering the phone, agreeing to meet with her, etc., he is only feeding into her drama. Every single time he responds to her, she gets a pay-off. It probably has nothing to do with her wanting HIM, just not wanting anyone else to have him or not wanting to be alone herself. Whatever the reason, as long as he is wishy-washy in his dealings with her, she will probably not let up. I think you have to have a heart-to-heart with him and explain how you feel and what you want. Then you need to listen and really hear how he feels and what he wants. If the two of you feel and want the same thing, then the solution should be easy... he should cut her out of his life, except where there is an immediate need concerning the kids. If he can't or won't do this, then I guess you will have to decide if you can or want to continue on as it is.
My husband's ex had alread remarried by the time he and I got together, so I didn't have to deal with her flat out telling him she wanted him back and all that stuff. But she always considered him her "back-up plan" for when other relationships failed and she needed someone, so she really didn't appreciate no longer having him at her beck and call once we married. Eventually, though, she got the picture and stopped calling on him to bail her out. Hopefully, your SO's ex will soon officially be his "ex-wife" and not his "soon-to-be-ex-wife" and maybe making it official will cut the tie for her. For all you guys know, she could be going through something entirely unrelated to him/their marriage - menopause? mid-life crisis? changes in her own life? - that are freaking her out and causing her to seek familiar shelter. Whatever the cause, though, I think he needs to nip it in the bud now or say goodbye to your sanity forever.
~ Anne ~
I have some advice for SO...
My BF was married for 22 years, just like yours was. They were divorced for 2 years before I came into the picture. They have adult kids and all that... Anyway... SHE did kind of the same thing your SO's ex- is. She announced that she thought the divorce (that she wanted!!) was a cooling off period. ha ha ha HAHAHA!! She's crazy. Desparate woman, get some pride! Anyway, my BF never gave his ex attention when she would yell at him or cry or throw fits or hang on his leg and ask him to come home.
I used to think he was scared of her - not fight back when she is being obnoxious! I figured he was wipped! But nooooo.... This is how counseling helped me see what he was really doing was WAY more powerful than fighting with her or letting her cry on his shoulder.
If ex learns that crying, yelling, spitting, fainting, damsel in distress routine gets her air time with your man - she is going to do that crap all the time! Your man has a big heart. He doesn't want to crush the woman - that's nice, but he's going to loose you in the process. Or at least your respect.
Maybe you should make a suggestion: he can only talk to her on the cell phone & with you present. That way you know what is being said and you can be sure he's not overstepping his bounds.
Whaddya think? I hope things work out...
We/he just didn't engage
We/he just didn't engage her....
She wanted to meet with him too at one point 'to discuss a separation agreement'.....but we both knew it was to turn on the waterworks..and to try to manipulate him into doing what she wanted. She had been successful with this tactic many times before...that's how she mananged to 'get back into the matrimonial home'..the last time she's been caught messing around on him..and was kicked out.
The answer from hubby was...simply 'anything you say to me..say through my attorney'........it was the ONLY way to stop the nonesence..
I have a guy freind who is in a similar situation...his x is costing him a fortune in legal fees because she won't co-operate with any divorce related stuff. She doesn't want him....but she doesn't want anyone else to have him. She just got a 'new boyfreind' and is head over heels in love now...and has said. "I didn't want a divorce before....but now I want to move on...and she's ready to get the paperwork done" (by the way they had reached an agreement last year but she went back on it)
She went from calling his GF of the last 4 years...(every racial slurr she could think of...at every opportunity..(she's asian)..to his kids, his family, to his face...on the voice mail..etc)
She would call one day and call him a deadbeat..a b*st*rd..this that..(she'd make a soldier blush).....the next day she'd ask him to fix the brakes on her car! WTF AND HE WOULD!!!! WTF!! Then back to calling him (& GF) everyname in the book ....
She sent both of them a Christmas present....(and it wasn't a sweater/dildo....lol)
CAN YOU SAY.... mentally unstable....??
If the kids are older...there is barely any need for contact...
In hubby's case, X was such a rotton person...and had done so many rotton things to hubby over many years..both before and after their split...so it was easy for him to cut off all contact.
In my freinds case...his x would cry the blues and he would run to her aid..because he's a sucker for that..(kind-hearted)..but I think that just dragged things on....her 'attachment' to him..has continued for years. She couldn't let him go and move on....
Not until she met 'the love of her life'......
I don't think that will happen anytime soon in your case...if he continues to 'endulge her conversations' ...and holds onto the hope of getting him back.....why would she even consider moving on.?
JMO from my experiences.
You can't 'make' someone deal with thier life..thier problems.. 'your way'... because maybe that method doesn't work for his/her personality.
I have to say the 'do not indulge her' approach has worked great for us....I know it drives her crazy when I don't respond to x's slurrs or name calling or dirty looks etc. And I know it drives her crazy that hubby won't comminucate with her...because there goes her ability to manipulate him...like she had in the past.
Remember ..he does have to find his own path through this as well....give him some room to muddle...but only to a point!!!! You must have boundaries of what you will put up with....and his loyalty is to YOU now...as his SO...make sure he 'GETS IT'.... or your happiness as a couple will suffer....
Good Luck with this.....
It's a common things for the ex
I too have had to sit back and let my bf deal with his ex wifes constant calls for him to try again and let her come home. It still continues to this day, and they've been apart for 2 years. Unfortunately we both agree that this behavior will continue until shes able to have her bf (her affair that she left him for) live closer to her. They live 500 miles apart, met through work.
Just like your situation, she left him and didn't want a thing to do with him until I entered the picture. My bf even agreed to attempt reconciliation with her 2 different times and both of them ended with her unable to make any changes in herself or to how she treated him. If your situation is anything close to mine, prepare yourself for a long road in which it will serve you well to sit back and provide support to your bf while he figures out how to handle it. My bf and I are able to talk about it and keep it in the open and work together to keep her at bay.
I can say the best thing for me to get through this is to know that my bf is with me now and I let him handle her. I let him know if something is happening that I have input in, but other than that I let him deal with her. I figure my involvement would only make it worse.
Have patience, be supportive, and accept that she won't go away anytime soon. It's what I've heard called 'first wife syndrome'. No matter what, they always feel entitled to their former spouse for whatever they feel they need.
Good luck.
Some really good advice here...
I'd just not answer the calls myself, and leave it only to emails, disengage from her. Only and ONLY handle issues with the kids, when necessary, and have him sum it up in one email at the end of the week or beginning- which ever works good for you.
He really does need to set up his boundaries and not respond to her. Like everyone else has said.
See, women want to be the first one to 'rock their man's world', and men want to be the last one to 'rock their woman's world'...