I dont like his daughter - He hasn't shown much interest in mine. Is there any point?

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Hello all New stepchild disliker here :sick:

I've been reading posts on this site for quite some time now & even though I gain alot through everyone else's posts / advice I feel like I need to vent to some people who clearly just understand.

DP and I have been together for 12 months now, engaged for 3 or so.. He has 4yr daughter with his previous partner (mole) and I have DD3. For majority of our relationship I had nothing to do with SD4, nor did DP as BM witheld visitation as she did not like the fact that DP and I were together - clinging on to any hope that they may one day be a family again seems to be her forté. So instead of seeing SD4 every second weekend DP was seeing her every month/ 6 weeks. DP moved interstate to be with me within the first couple of months of being together and this really put BM into overdrive - naked texts, family photo texts, the begging and pleading, how could he do this to their family etc. While all of this was happening DP became really distant with DD (who had no contact with bio dad), wouldn't spend any time with her, wouldn't do fun things with us on weekends with the reasoning that he guilt guilty because he was not able to do this with SD4 so he felt bad for her if he was spending time with DD! :sick:

Anyway for the last few months BM has been allowing DP to fly interstate, pick up SD4 and fly back with her for the weekend only. Although this is still not alot of time I find myself cringing at the thought of her coming here - I know that what BM has done all this time is not the childs fault but all I can see in this kid is her mother, she's winey (at our bedside at 4 am like a whimpering puppy dog) until her dad gets up and goes to sleep in the spare bed with her, she's competitive with DD - when she see's DD touching or sitting near DP she'll flick her hands away and say things like "that's my daddy, not yours", all in all I just dont like her which may sound extremely petty but this is how I feel. I go into a silent rage when I hear DP being affectionate with her because of the way I have seen him treat DD, I hate the fact that he has to ring her every single night to say goodnight, I am sick to death of hearing my inlaws every time there is a family gathering "oh it would be nicer if SD was here - "oh dont have a baby guys, SD4 is enough" :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

SO this is where I am wondering - as DP has been talking ALOT lately about wanting our won child together, will having our own baby change my feelings about our blended family? Have those who have been in this situation felt more at ease with having a bio child with their new partners living in the house?

Sorry for the long rant guys!

Wow... I feel so bad for your

Wow...:( I feel so bad for your daughter. No bio dad in her life and new stepdad not willing to give her anything. My guess is that since he's not willing to be a father-figure in her life now, he probably never will be. That's just from my experience with my sons having a stepdad.

It sounds like he's feeling so guilty about his own daughter and wrapped up in her feelings that he doesn't have anything left over for your daughter's feelings. Unless you get full custody of sd (Heaven forbid), he will continue to feel guilty because he sees your daughter all the time and only sees his daughter 2 days a week. I don't know if he has it in him to be a father figure to your daughter.

I would work on trying to find a male in her life that will love her and be a positive male influence. Do you have a brother or maybe your dad?

WOW! this is refreshing -

WOW! this is refreshing - THANK YOU! Usually the response I get is - Have some empathy for SD!! No one has seemed to notice my daughter doing the hard yards.

Well he has actually started to come around since having his own daughter here, he says that having SD here has made him realise how mean he has been to DD for distancing himself from her & that he now realises he cant treat her like that because of his situation. DD does have Uncle (my brother) and my dad whom she is very close with, but they dont live here with us - DP does, so in my mind he should be the one doing that job - especially given that he is the one pushing to make sure DD has no contact with her bio dad permanently. (We moved interstate because of other reasons and bio has been violent towards me in front of DD but i was indecisive whether to allow him contact with DD again as she has been asking for "her dad" since having SD here and hearing her call DP daddy) :?

You're keeping your daughter

You're keeping your daughter away from her dad at HIS urging???

You can't force your SO to play daddy to your daughter. You can"t use your kid as his replacement kid.

Distancing yourself from a SK doesn't make a SP mean. Many SMs here do the samething. It just means you have no desire to pretend you're one big happy family.

No, Im keeping my daughter

No, Im keeping my daughter away from her dad because he has been violent & up until January this year there has been a domestic violence order in place. I said I was indecisive whether to allow her to have contact again but I did say that DP is voicing his opinion that he does not want her dad back in our lives, out of jealousy it seems.

I am not forcing DP to play daddy, but if he doesn't want to play a step-dad role, and he doesnt want me to let her see her bio dad - My attitude is step up or shutup!

Thats true, I absolutely have no desire, my question was though has anyone that has brought a baby into a blended family changed their feelings?

Having a baby is not going to

Having a baby is not going to fix the problems in your relationship.

Really, do you think your SO's feelings towards your bio will magically change because you bring another child into the mix?
That's like a woman having a baby to make a man stay with her, or couples that have a baby thinking that will help strengthen the marriage.

A baby, while it can be a wonderful miracle, also brings lots of stress.

Please don't bring another child into this relationship until you and your SO have resolved your issues.

"Distancing yourself from a

"Distancing yourself from a SK doesn't make a SP mean. Many SMs here do the same thing. It just means you have no desire to pretend you're one big happy family."

^^^EXACTLY^^^

I would say if it is at all

I would say if it is at all possible (and you're not worried about her safety), I would let my daughter have contact with her bio-dad. The reason I say this is because girls need to know their daddies love them... and in your future husband's case, she is always going to be second best to his little princess. That can mess with a girl's mind and make her relate to men in her life in an inappropriate way when she is older.

Whatever you do, please don't

Whatever you do, please don't have a baby with the hopes that it will magically fix your blended family. Work with what you got first. You're only like a year in, give it time. It will either get better or worse. Do you really want to have a baby and be trapped for another 18 years in a situation you're already not 100% happy in?

DH has mentioned to me that having a baby would be nice. We are not trying but his theory is if it happens, it happens. On the other hand, I am like 90% positive that bringing a baby into our family would ruin our relationship. Simply because I would murder MIL and that would be end of that. I can not stand the way MIL babies the skids and holds them up on some sort of pedestal. MIL always makes sure to let me know I am doing just about everything wrong when it comes skids. I try to back off and blow it off, but if it was my own child, I would leave. I would simply pack up my kids and go. Remove myself from the situation and make sure that everybody knew it was because MIL is completely psychotic.

Anyway, moral of the story.. at least make sure you are willing to deal with what you have for the rest of your life before you bring another child into the mix. The things that are bothering you now, this early into the relationship, may resolve. You may be able to talk and find a level playing ground. However, these things may only bother you now, but if they do not resolve you may want to stab poor ole DH's eyes out by the end of year 2. And then what, you become a single mother of two and process begins all over again.

Think about it.

He see's his daughter the

He see's his daughter the same amount of time now that he lives interstate, if not more- so I can't comprehend how that is leaving his kid for me?

DDs dad was charged with assaulting DD as she had a scratch on her face as a result of being too close to me when XP was being aggressive. I don't believe he meant to hurt DD but that along with a few other issues are what is keeping me from making contact with him again.

I'm probably going to get my head bitten off for even suggesting this - but I do believe that the feeling towards a child that a man is wanting/planning for may be different to that of a pregnancy that was unplanned & more importantly unwanted.

OP clarified that the reason

OP clarified that the reason "DP" didn't have much to do with his daughter was because BM was withholding visitation - not because he chose to run out on the kid.

^^THIS^^

Let me break it down for you

Let me break it down for you -

When DP was living in the same state he would show up on time to collect SD every second weekend - the response he got was "You're not seeing her until youve gotten rid of that slut". Next fortnight would be "She's not going to your house if that slut is there". Next fortnight would be "You can spend time with her here (which meant the 3 of them sitting in her lounge room in her mind like a happy family" - All of these examples are BM withholding visitation right?

When DP moved interstate - as many people do for work commitments, lifestyle, etc. it got worse again and the comments were like "Oh go and spend the weekend with that slut and her kid" "Go look after that NIT of a kid instead cause your daughter doesnt need you" ETC ETC. When DP asked if she was considering ever allowing SD to come interstate every second weekend the response was "WHen I move on and find somebody you can take her there, its not fair to me for it to happen before then".

Hopefully this clears things up for a few posters.

And if BM starts withholding

And if BM starts withholding SD again after she goes into another fine towering rage over him another child, how is he going to behave with the new baby? Will he distance himself because he feels guilty that SD can't have the same amount of time with him? Will his guilt simply increase towards her?

And how will he deal with SD's obvious jealousy? When in fact the child that she's smacking and telling to get away from Daddy really can claim him as Their daddy too? If he's not correcting this behavior when she does it to your DD, then don't expect him to find it anything other than cute and acceptable when she does it to a new baby.

How will you deal with your resentment and hurt over him family rejecting the new baby? They have already indicated to you that they will. "SD is enough" is a very clear indication that if you have a child they will see this as a reason to pity and spoil her. Your baby will likely not be acknowledged and will be ignored at family gatherings. Sound outrageous? Believe it - ask posters here. It happens.

Will your feelings change about the blended family? Um. No. They won't. At least not in a positive way. You may find yourself more resentful because DP is not as interested in the baby as you want him to be because he's feeling so much guilt over SD not being there. You may feel anger over DP sending extra money for SD as she gets older which is not being spent on your child. And you may feel sorrow, anger, and remorse for tying yourself to a man with a child so that you are unable to escape as easily later when his guilty parenting and his family's rejection just becomes too much for you and your daughter.

Not being able to see your child is hard, I get that. But if this man doesn't have a grip on his emotions, on right and wrong, and on Parenting his daughter even when things are difficult then having a child with him is only going to make you miserable. It will Not make things any easier in the step dynamic.

I respect everything you are

I respect everything you are saying & you're absolutely right, all of that made perfect sense.

The only thing that I really don't care about is what his mother thinks of a new baby- when I actually told her how rude her comment was and how it is not her place to comment on my having a child with dp she tried to justify with 'oh it killed me when I couldn't see SD4 for a while (mind you they followed dp & also moved interstate by choice) and I couldn't handle it if that happened with another grandchild'. My point is, her opinion is the least of my worries.

Thank you though, your post was a reality check.

I'm glad you felt able to

I'm glad you felt able to speak up and tell her how inappropriate that was. And I'm not so much talking about you getting Your feelings hurt directly about it (though we've seen that happen). However, as this theoretical baby got older, if grandma & co found SD to be "enough", it might be very difficult and heartbreaking for the new child to see SD spoiled and put on a pedestal while said child is ignored, given less at holidays, etc. I think many of the posts with that dynamic, the poster is most upset that their child is being caused pain by family. It's just something else to consider in the dynamic is all.

Particularly if Dad winds up rather involved because it wouldn't be fair for baby to get more attention/love than SD, being rejected by Dad's family could just be extremely difficult for a kid. And particularly if SD expresses jealousy to the rest of the family (or Dad), if they don't have a firm grip on SD not being a poor martyred saint because her parents aren't together, it's totally possible they will reject the baby just to keep SD from being jealous.

"her opinion is the least of

"her opinion is the least of my worries."

Give it time hunny. Sooner or later all those snippy comments will make you want to hang her from her neck. She is MIL. She knows no boundaries. The MIL is invincible. She will make sure her opinion is known, loud and clear. Whether you care or not. MIL is a damn lion lurking in the weeds, waiting for you to be the most vulnerable for her attack. All I am saying is the rude and out of line comments that come from MIL now are a lot easier to brush off. When your own child is involved it will not be so easy.

Please for the love of everything in this world, take this idea of having a baby and put it on the back burner for awhile.. a couple years... then if all goes well, maybe then re-address the option.

I didnt at all mean it didnt

I didnt at all mean it didnt piss me off - I was in a rage. How dare she even think that her opinion would count with regard to Dp and I having a child. She hasnt come around since

I understand what you are saying though and after reading much of this have cleared up a few things in my own mind. SOmetimes you just need to hear it from outsiders looking in.

Thank you

Read this

Read this post:

http://www.steptalk.org/node/128268

This is a difficult situation

This is a difficult situation to be in. BM sounds like a jealous nightmare and this will go on for the long haul if you stay with him. Everyone has their own story, and no piece of advice will fit exactly, but all I can say is that in my own personal experience, if I had known then wht I know now, no way would I stay in a step situation. It is just so stressful, depressing, sad, thankless, exhausting, and anger inducing to live this life and it is not worth the drama.