Im new-- Im exhausted--I need constructive advice
im new here, hi all.
im tired nad frustrated and i think i aged 15 years i nthe last 4-5.
im the mom of a georgeos 10 year old boy and the step mom of a -also georgeos- but quite complicated 12 years old. My husband got divorced when SD was 2. i got divorced when my son was 2. we met when the kids were 5 and 6, we have been togethe -later married- since then. He has full custody of SD, i have shared costody of my son. when i got married, my SD had a lot of visitation with her BM but then for many issues and long stories tha had to stopt (mom was and is not well mentally).
now my marriage hit rock bottom because of the difficulties of stepparenting.
SD was under my care 24/7. hubby prefered not to face things (like a girl who needed love because mom was not around..and she got quite F&^%UP). my son goes back and forth and he is a happy boy, my husband works a lot..adn then more, i work too but i spend most of my time with SD!!! that was not the plan!
now, it has been 6 years of this and we are at the edge of disolving our family . all the fights we have are about SD and this is getting to be too mcuh for me and my son. i love my husband but im dying i nthe this situation. it feels like im abandonded doing a the impossible task and then critized whren i fail truly believe that if the couple is not communicating well and openly in a blended family situation, there is no future for the family. I also have a son, a lovely boy who has been a trooper over the years keeping the good behavior and a good outlook in life while the energy got darker and the air got thicker in the house.
i need advice, i need advice from the heart on how to keep my family together. im exhausted and out of gas. i know how hard it is and honestly that is not what i need ot hear, i need ot hear things that work for some of you, things that helped your relationship with your hubbies and your biological children that curiously end up in the middle of this...when they are truly not in the "middle" of anything.
thank you in advance for your invaluable help.
dalhia
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dalhia
Too much burden on you in
Too much burden on you in regards to SD. Sounds like DH expects you to parent both kids when SD should be his main responsibility. Yeah, she doesn't have a mom but that doesn't mean the burden falls on you, falls on him first. He made her. He needs to step up and relieve the burden of SD from you some. Suggest counseling? Sound's like you're fet up so maybe an ultimatum?
I agree with tuff cookie mom
I agree with tuff cookie mom 1000%. She is his responsibility, and not yours. Your're responsible for your son, and to your husband to be honest with him. If he has a problem with that DON'T let him guilt you into it. The daughter is a product of her own parents and she is their responsibility. I wore myself out for the first four years because of some sort of noblesse oblige, or more like rescuer syndrome, and I crashed. Now I have. Disengaged and am trying to manage to get my identity back and establish some balance in my life. I'm blogging, and reading, and talking to other step moms. Save your sanity!
blue stepmother, you sound
blue stepmother, you sound like you have been over this hill before. i know that because you talk about loosing your sanity and loosing your identity, both things that im feeling right now. im not going to tell you that im perfect or the victim of anything here , and I KNOW that I can be controlling and a bit of a mamma pain sometimes but I also know that i did my absolute best for 6 years trying to "save" this child from her own destiny..it sounds stupid now that i think about it but my instict told me to do it, and God knows i tried hard, but on the way i made mistakes, i hit walls, i did not pay attention to my own son -because he was doing so well- and finally i started to lose myself and my marriage. it sounds crazy but i swear that im not exagerating. what started to sound crazy now is that at some point during htat time i trully thought i could change her int oa saner, loving, full person.
im also reading, blogging, chatting ,etc t ohear other people experiences.
and yes! im dragging hubby to theraphy. im in theraphy myself becasue he always said no to couple theraphy but i gave hi man ultimatum, and i gave him the theraphsit card for HIM to call ( I reallt wanted him to do somthign about it). he didnt call, so TODAY i called and we have the first session tomorrow.
what would be the best advice from your own experience? how do i establish a healthy distance from SD after 6 years of trying ot parenting her by myself? and if sucessfull, how do i deal with my hubby allowing her to do stuff that i dont allow my son and thus creating double standars and parallel parenting i nthe house...that would be hard, right?
thank you thank you thank you!
Are any trust-worthy family
Are any trust-worthy family members from Hubby's side that are available to ease your burden with SD? Has SD been to counseling or diagnosed with any disorder?
I think you are on the right track. Go to counseling with your Hubby if you want to make this marriage work. Tell him you are tired and out of options on how to deal with his daughter. He needs to come up with something. Maybe the counselor can suggest something too.