"By success I'm talking about 5+ years later."

Assuming that you are asking about blended families who have lasted for longer than 5 years: I submit that longevity does not equate "success." Putting up with abuse and choosing to continue to live in a shitty situation should not be referred to as a "success story."

I think it's hard to define what "success" in a blended family is supposed to look like. The dynamics from family to family are so vastly diverse.

My definition of "success" for ME, with MY family and in MY situation -- at THIS MOMENT -- is:

To no longer give a crap when my "D"H acts as though I don't exist simply because his children are in our home. To no longer feel completely and totally disregarded BY their flagrant disregard.

Of course, there will be a natural consequence for my total disengagement from my "D"H. Just as there has been a natural consequence for my choice to disengage from my skids (I really, honestly just do not care about them. At all.)

I'm sure that, in the end, MY success story will have a whole lot more to do with MY internal processes (such as self-love) rather than the longevity of my marriage.

Just sayin'....

"Is gaining a partner one can trust and depend on worth it if it means dealing with undisciplined and unruly children?"

Again, from my own perspective and an example from my own life:

I thought that I could trust and depend on my DH -- which is why I chose to marry him regardless of his undisciplined and unruly children.

What I've learned is: there is a REASON WHY those children are undisciplined and unruly = their parents = the person you are about to marry/move-in with.

What I've learned is: one cannot really trust and depend upon a person who has raised a child in such a manner, because the problem is deep, deep, deep within THAT person -- not within the child.

What I've learned is: to expect your partner to become something different than they naturally are (the person who has created undisciplined and unruly children) is a recipe for disaster.

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Because of MY expectations that my "D"H will get his children under control -- he HAS stepped up to the plate. However, he did not do it out of genuine concern for the path that his children were on, rather he did it out of "fear of making me upset." Consequently, are his children better behaved now? Yes. Quite simply, because of ME, they are now on a way better path in life than they were when I first came into the situation. People can actually enjoy being around them now. However, the other consequence is that I have been scapegoated and demonized for it. BY EVERYONE involved: my "D"H, his children, his family, and the BM.

It's a terribly lonely and horrible existence to be "that person"...

I consider my story a success story but I was very lucky. My SD (now 21) was a good kid. She was well behaved and respectful and still is really, she just started acting like her mother in her teenage years (lying and trying to manipulate but she is not good at it) so we do not really trust her. She was 5 when we got together and even though she was naturally a quiet child, she also knew her dad expected her to behave. Children will do what they know they will get away with.

I am also a stepdaughter and although my younger sisters gave my dad and his wife a much harder time than I did, I also consider that a success story, as we have made it through and respect each other as adults. They have been married 27 years, have given me two brothers who I love like they were my own kids, and we are a pretty happy family.

It sounds like your girlfriend really needs to work on the discipline and that is probably best done without the two of you living together, at least for now. They need to know that SHE is the disciplinarian.

If you are willing and happy to live separately, I would continue doing so. Had my SD been unruly, I would not have wanted to live in the same house with her and I am sure it would have caused a lot of resentment.

I have a success story. Been married almost 15 years, together almost 17 years. I have been a custodial stepparent the entire time. My stepsons are 18 and 19 and I love them to bits. We are the nuclear family as my husband's ex is irrelevant. We have had no real problems, my stepkids are respectful, well rounded, hard working boys. I think a secret to our success is that #1 my husband always had custody, and #2 they were young when we married.

Not everyone hates their stepkids and wants them out of their lives, doesn't care about their health and well being, etc. I think that on this board especially (moreso than any other board I have posted on) there are some seriously EXTREME posts about hating their stepkids. Jaw droppingly extreme.

"Despite the fact that I love her she can be aloof at times which is why she's not consistent in discipline."

In your other post, I felt that this was the issue rather than her not caring, being lazy, etc. and I did not feel from your post that she was one of the horrible bm's that sm's like to complain about on here. But the question still remains, since being aloof is something she IS and not something she DOES, it will be something you probably have to live with...can you?

I know that I was not made to be a single mom. I was terrified to become one, because I knew how hard it would be. I only have 2 kids. Sometimes there is so much going on that I am exhausted from not only following the schedule, but keeping up with it and having everything straight in my mind of where one needs to be and what I'm going to do with the other, etc. This is partly my fault because they are ALWAYS involved in something, sometimes 2-3 things at a time. I feel it is my job to be two parents to them and allow them opportunities they would have if their parents were married. So because of this, at times my parenting could be considered aloof. My "cracking the whip" waxes and wanes, but we are honest and open with one another and when I yell or act inappropriately, I will apologize for it and they with me. In public they are the BEST behaved kids when they are with other people. I don't know if you would call my kids undisciplined and unruly if you were in my home. You might. But take into consideration where single moms are coming from and maybe where parenting differences aren't all black and white. Not sure if you saw my story regarding my ex with "quiet" and "disciplined" kids who were too scared to say anything ever, who were already in and out of psych care (ages 7, 9, 12). Look at the things that really matter and what being successful really means as a parent, and you might see things differently. Or her kids could be totally whacked, who knows?

What I do know is that I could not live in the situation you are looking at, but that's only because I see your situation through my colored glasses. I have a teaching degree and have worked with kids extensively in an educational setting as well as numerous sports, etc. And I know that both extremes of parenting aren't usually successful. There is a sweet spot in the middle where the parents care what the kids are doing and the kids care what the parents think, and communication is continual. If you love her but don't think you can live with her, there's nothing wrong with supporting her from your own place and loving her on dates. You both have your own kids already so it's not like you need to be together to have your family... Just keep aiming for that sweet spot and support her in that as well and if it doesn't work out you can go your separate ways.

Most stepfamilies I know IRL could be viewed as successful. By successful, the biggest thing, the couple is still married. Another I would say is successful did end in divorce between the couple BUT both those adults are still involved in parenting type roles, with the support of the other adult, years later. So the kids did not fall in love with a step only to lose all relationship upon divorce.

The ones that I would not deem successful, especially one that I come into contact with the parent daily, the parent is highly deficient. The mother was married and had two boys, they separated, she was terrified to be alone and literally fell into bed with the first guy that was available - less than a week after physically splitting from her DH. She and the guy are together about 5 years later, but she freely admits she cannot control her sons and relies upon her SO to do it. Then came the day that 14yo son and SO got into a fistfight, he whaled the kid (big man, skinny teen) across the back and left him with a deep bruise. CPS has been called to their home numerous times and with this event the kid left home and moved in with paternal grandmother. Months later and the kid refuses to live with mom unless mom leaves SO. The woman also freely admits her SO abuses her but she refuses to leave him, even though she has received several offers of help.

Sooo, maybe it's not the fact of the couple staying together but the health and well-being of the individuals living in the home.

I said all that to agree with the poster above who said it really depends upon the parent and the parent's ability to parent. This IRL mom I know gave up long ago on being a responsible parent, the kids get in trouble at school, have few or no friends due to being difficult to get along with (according to mom!), the kids are not passing classes or grades... it's just a huge mess.

So, rockpyle, a lot of your peace and happiness in this relationship and in the home you hope to share with this woman, depend upon her ability to manage and parent her children. Take a long look at the adult stepchildren forum and see how simply aging into adulthood does not improve many of these issues. Even when the skids marry. Even when the skids have children of their own.

The divorce rate for stepfamilies is 75%.

So as you see success stories abound and many of them are here giving advise on how it was done. Was it a fun trip? Well that's another story. Would we have done it had we known what it held? For many of us the answer would be no. Since you are a logically thinking person and are now letting logic overcome your emotions I believe you will come to the only logical conclusion.

Just expect yourself to be respected, don't give up, yes some skids have difficulty accepting someone new, but that does not give them the right to disrespect you, since becoming a Sm for the second time, I've been down a long rocky road, but I've always expected to be respected, if Im not, then I speak out, finally now things seem to be settled in my home, I am the Momma in the house, so keep talking, keep expecting to be respected, if your not then deal with it. You are completely right for not feeling happy about the way your Sd talks to you, many of the people on here, are treated badly by there skids, its usually the bio parent that is at fault, but not always. They think that by being soft on their child they are being kind to them, when in actual fact, they are doing them a diservice, we all need to learn how to respect others and ourselves. So in no way can your Ss be harmed by simple learning some respect.