It's time to let go BM!! Its been 10 years!!
BM is very manipulative and often leaves message to DH "just call me"...but doesn't say what its about...he has tried to text to communicate but she wants him to "just call me" I feel like she is desperately needy and should be able to communicate via text or email. Its been since 2001 since the divorce was final. DH and I have been married now for almost 9 years...My SD is 15 and yes sometimes things have to get communicated but can't things be communicated via text or email? I know I don't want to talk with my ex if I don't have to...eliminates drama. My boys are 17 and 19 now and not much has to be discussed that I can't get from a discussion with them. I think it is time for her to let go of the relationship...it's only been 10 years. I also blame my husband for this since the only way a person can change is to change the way a person reacts to the demands. It took him about 9.5 years to realize this behavior is manipulative...I can't wait to be done with her s*#@t!
How does your DH feel about
How does your DH feel about calling BM? Would he be ok with calling her but objects because it makes you unhappy? What does BM do that is manipulative?
I'm asking because even though I am remarried, my ex and I have a pretty good relationship. We were married for 15 years, with 3 biokids and a lot of those years were good. Even though we don't want to be married anymore, we still love and care about each other. Not only do I care about him as a person, but I do care about his well-being because it would directly affect my children. If he is doing well and happy, then my kids feel good and benefit. Honestly, he is also the only other person that feels the same way about my kids that I do. My DH does really loves my kids, but I know it's not the same way their dad does. My ex is the only other person that loves and feels the same sense of responsibility towards my children that I do. We talk on the phone a lot about the kids as he is the only one that appreciates a lot of the minituae that would bore others to tears. We still have mutual friends and because we were married for 15 yrs., I intimately know all his family members as he knows mine. The feelings about our kids is something that we exclusively share and probably will for the rest of our lives.
Having said all that, my DH does NOT have the same kind of relationship with his exGF. I might've been jealous if he did, I'm not sure. I don't know if my DH is jealous of my relationship with ex-dh but he really needn't be. DH is the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Is is possible that you just don't want them to have a good relationship with each other? How would you feel if they had the same kind of relationship I have with my ex-dh? Do you think she is actively trying to get him back or is she doing things just to make you mad?
DH doesn't want to call her
DH doesn't want to call her and would prefer to text message her because as he says she "circle talks" and doesn't communicate very well. In his words "its painful to talk to her" and then I am the one who has to deal with his frustations and agitation.
As for manipulation she is the master. She is the master of control if she gets away with it. She will be very difficult and argue about something, get what she wants, learn that it really is an inconvenience for her and then change her mind. It's all about "winning" but then sometimes "winning" isn't really what she wants. I could give examples but it would be a great deal of typing.
I think it's great if you can get along with an ex but I do think its weird to talk for very long about things...you should still be married if you are that great of "buddies" As for communication I think that there are things that need to be discussed about the children but it can be kept brief and to the point. I don't need to be friends with my ex. I wish him well and happy and all but we don't need to be "buddies" That's just my opinion. I am a BM of 3 (19,17, and 6) 6 year old is with my husband now)
It has nothing to do with having a good relationship. I think its great if they can get along but if they are "buddies" and have to talk all the time they should have stayed married. I think that BM is lonely and wants to talk and that is why she wants him to call...one time when we went to pick up SD from BM house she said to SD "just tell your dad to come in so I can talk to him" so he left me in the car and went inside...really rude and he should have said no but at the time he didn't want to upset her because of the power and control she has with visitation of the SD. He didn't want to rock the boat or want her to go back for more money so he would kiss her A$$ and do whatever...that has changed now. BM has been married 3 times, divorced 3 times (DH was her 2nd), has 3 different kids from 3 different dads. She is alone again and has no regard for anyone else but herself. DH is finally starting to see the tactics for what they are. SD is now 15 and has had a cell phone for years. Much of the communication can be done through her.
She would want him back in a second and I don't trust her. I am a secure, confident person. I have a career as a RN and don't feel like DH would ever want to go back with BM. There have been just so many issues that we have dealt with and unfortunately we will probably never be friends. I prefer to have friends that are trustworthy and have integrity. I wish it was different but its not.
How would you feel if your husband now had the same relationship with another women that you have with your ex?
Well, I'm not sure how I
Well, I'm not sure how I would feel about DH having that sort of relationship with his ex. Technically I have 2SDs (and two BMs). We have custody of SD10. Her BM is a real bitch, I tell you, but that is a long story.lol. SD16 lives with her mom full time and it's been like that since SD was about 4. That BM and I get along fine. DH will talk to her and they are relatively friendly, but DH can be a bad communicator and sometimes they have misunderstandings. BM will get angry and then DH will ask me to speak with her to explain. That BM and I get along ok. She also shows no interest in DH and DH is slightly embarrassed about her, so it's pretty easy for us to get along.
Now, YOUR BM sounds kind of needy. Sorry about that as it seems like she'll be a constant thorn in your side. Sounds like she'll be less needy if she has a man in her life, but more so if not. Maybe you could help set her up. Looks like she's due to be married again soon.
My ex-dh and I do have a good relationship but we don't want to be married. We're better as friends and believe me, it took a lot of trying and patience to get where we are now. After all, we went thru a divorce so the feelings weren't always rosy! We do talk a lot, but not for long periods of time. It's more texting about practical things or short convos like, "so I see DS13 has a GF, did you see his FB page, should we talk to him about that" type of thing. We do have 3 kiddos to discuss, so perhaps that could explain the increase in talk time?
To try and answer your last question again....well, I'm glad I don't have to know. Honestly, I have a feeling I wouldn't like it. I'd probably want to try and be buddies with her too.
I appreciate the humor in the
I appreciate the humor in the response...and yes the we pray that BM finds a new man asap!!! It would make our lives so much better! SD brings enough drama herself. It would be much better for SD if her BM had someone else in her life that would treat her well, then SD wouldn't have to worry so much about BM and feel her neediness.