SD12 living with us full-time
I have a question. My DH and his ex have joint legal physical custody of their three children, 16, 14 and 12. They each have the children 15 days a month, and every other weekend. The 12yo is a girl, and is having problems at her mother's house with her mother and step-father. My DH and I do not have these problems with the 12yo when she is at our house. Her mother thought it would be best if the 12yo came to live with us full-time on a TEMPORARY basis. We agreed, with the stipulation that the mother and the 12yo work on their relationship. She will see her mother one night a week for a few hours, and every other weekend. Well, this started in the beginning of December, and NOTHING has changed. They have nothing to work on their relationship whatsoever. The 12yo now states she wants it to stay this way until the end of the school year. My question is, why should we stay in this TEMPORARY situation, if nothing is changing? How will things ever change if they are not in the same house to work on their issues? And, is it our responsibility to pick up the pieces just because it makes the BM's life easier. With the 12yo out of her house, her life can go on as she would like with no distractions. I think this is completely unfair to us. I love by SD, but I don't think living with us full-time is the best thing for her. I think it just helps them both the avoid the issues. Any/all advice is most appreciated. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
It's kinda too late, but I
It's kinda too late, but I would have never agreed to that temporary change. You did BM a favor rather than helped the kid. Girls that age fight with their moms all the time. I remember in 7th grade writing in my diary (that my mother read
) that she was such a "bitch"...should I have been allowed to move out? No. That's ridiculous.
You say that you love SD, yet don't think that living with you guys full-time is best for her. What's best for YOU? Please always ask that question in step-life, because no one else is going to ask that question. No one else is going to care about you, so make your needs as high a priority as you make the kids. If you don't want her living there, say "temporary change" over. Peace out SD.
Yep. Daughter'a and mothers
Yep. Daughter'a and mothers will clash heads. It's part of how as becomes a woman and her lashing out and butting heads is part of growing into her personality.
If ad moves in with you, she will exercise that developmental step with you -- and chances are that you don't have the same unconditional love that her probably has.
If the girl isn't having the
If the girl isn't having the problems at your house, doesn't that kinda say it's the bm, and NOT the girl? Why should she have to go back just because it makes your life easier? She has two parents and you happen to be married to one of them. That's not the girl's fault. It's very common for a child to be singled out and mistreated in a family. The scapegoat child. Sometimes this child is literally abused to the point that the parent would be arrested if discovered. I think there is more to this than a child just wanting her way. Who cares about them "working on their relationship"? She can deal with that when she is older. Chances are, nothing will get worked through until she is an adult.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your advice. It has given me an opportunity to see things from a different perspective, and I really appreciate that. BM made some comments to DH that confirmed for me that she really doesn't want her daughter back full time. She just won't admit it. So, the best thing for SD IS to be with us. I have always said I would do, and have done what, is in the best interest of the children, and I will continue to do so.
thanks again!