Should I ask to join....you have to hear this one!!
So youngest SS is on a travel ball team. They have a team app which the families all have access to. Well HCBM went on there and said "hey moms! I started a private group chat! Come join me here... it is strictly just for moms. On this group chat they make plans. I know she orchestrates all of the plans on this app and some plans are on DH's custody time but because it's "mom's only" he can't join. She said every youth sports team has a mom's chat and it's very customary to have one. She said "when we make plans I will simply just let know you what they are. I hope you can understand that we are all friends and that we like to chat and you can't have access to that because it's only for moms"
should I request to join??? Lol!!! My husband is the only one who is divorced on the team so all the other dad's have access through their wives. DH is the only one who can't see what they are all planning and we are positive it's her making all the plans to interfere with DH's parenting time. She is literally demented. Oh and she doesn't consider me a parent. So, we know she will deny me having access but that's one more thing to use against her.
No, it isnt another thing you
No, it isnt another thing you will use against BM because the judge will not view you as SS' mother nor feel it necessary for you to be in this "Mom Only" chat group. You are SS' stepmother but that does not grant you parent access, even if it is only a informal Mom Group. I am not on any of my SS' stuff. I leave every bit of that to DH - the football app, the sports group texting app, SS' parent login for school, school email lists, etc. I do not receive any of it, use any of it, or involve myself with any of it, as it should be.
She is trying to bait you and your husband with this "super secret private chat." Ultimately, your DH has the right to exercise his CO visitation. If BM plans events with these Moms during DH's visitation, it doesn't stop DH from exercising his time. Oh well, the kids are going to miss out on whatever fun BM and this group of women planned. BM will need to learn the hard lesson not to plan events on DH's parenting time, which she will only do by remaining firm and exercising the CO visitation. Let BM throw as many fits as necessary to get the picture.
Good point!! I agree. I have
Good point!! I agree. I have nothing to do with anything that has to do with the SK. Nothing! And that's the way I want it. But, figured might be worth trying to get access and the other mom's may be like "why won't you let stepmom join?" I mean if it was me I certainly would. So she asked him if June 5th or 6th would work. He said "we have plans on the 5th" she said "well oldest SS has a game at noon, if the party happens to fall on that time, can younger SS go since you will be at older SS's game?" DH said "yeah, sure" because she will NOT miss a game so we know she won't plan it at that time so he said yes to show he's being flexible. This "game" is so exhausting! It's constant CONSTANT games!
You do not know what BM has
You do not know what BM has told these other Moms about you or DH. Asking to be added to the group chat may be sending yourself into a snake pit. It isnt worth it and I doubt that these other Moms would question your rejection, especially since they are likely aware that DH is the common denominator between you and BM. By staying as far away from skid's stuff as possible, BM can't try to claim 3rd party interference in court or say that you are interfering with BM and DH's coparenting relationship. I wasn't involved in any of SS' stuff, but BM used to group chat between her GF, DH, and myself. This was BM's preference so we were "all on the same page." BM later tried to use this against me in court, saying that BM and DH coparented great until I "got involved." After that happened, I removed myself even further. I blocked BM and GF in every way: cell phone, email, social media, etc. No more communication with BM or any involvement with SS' stuff. It's not worth it.
Your DH does not have to be overly flexible with BM, regardless of what your attorney is saying. Setting a pattern of consistency while maintaining your visitation will show BM that she cannot demand changes every two minutes. Sure, flexibility can be necessary at times if there are mandatory events, school obligations, etc. but BM doesn't get flexibility for parties and other stupid events. You guys keep going back and forth between firm and caving to BM. You guys really are overthinking this whole thing. If its your CO time, you can do with it what you wish. BM doesn't get to make requests. Quit trying to get into BM's mindset, figuring out what she will or won't do. You will not outsmart her and it will make you appear paranoid.
She involved the kids. She
She involved the kids. She tells them "dad won't let you go to the party" and that causes strain on his relationship with them. They think he's some monster.
Does this happen a whole lot?
Does this happen a whole lot? I mean, I can't imagine the other families wanting to have their kids wrapped up in a required activity on any regular basis on top of the standard practices and games. When a party or get together happens to fall on Dad's time, it is up to him and your household whether that will work out for them to attend... just like if they were at mom's they might have conflicts.
I mean, of course, if he can manage to drop them off to the pizza parlor for a few hours on his time barring some planned activity why not? but that may not be possible every time. I'm sure he likes to plan things to do with his kids.. and if these are parent/kid events.. and it is his time.. BM shouldn't be there TBH.. unless it's a game where she is seated separately.
I just don't see the courts giving him but so hard of a time if he is able to show that he makes reasonable efforts to meet their schedules despite the fact that they are involved in a LOT of activities.. So they miss a non official ice cream meetup with the team that he didn't hear about until the day before... Maybe he needs to see how his lawyer can help him present THAT type of information. That these 10 times he got notified of things with not notice.. and how his kids end up mad at HIM because he didn't know.
Constantly! Literally almost
Constantly! Literally almost every time they are here. We have sent attorney letters. She ignored it and keeps doing it.
What a blatant attention
What a blatant attention-seeking effort. IGNORE. If she plans on his custody time, he refuses. She wants a reaction, don't give her one.
What a miserable c-word she
What a miserable c-word she is. Obsessed with total control. You cannot beat her at this game from your position. Trying will drive you insane and take time and resources from your bio kids.
Correct. The only way to win
Correct. The only way to win is to not play the game at all.
What does that look like???
What does that look like??? Giving in to her every demand or saying no to everything and looking bad when we go to court? We have court coming up soon.
It means with something like
It means with something like this, you give her absolutely no reaction. DH says nothing. You don't try to join. When she emails later and says "the mom group decided to change this, so sorry it inteferes with your time" you get the straight info from the coach and decide what to do.
We've already told you - he won't look bad for sticking to his custody order. So stick to it. If you genuinely feel it's worth making an exception, then do it. But don't think it will help you in court either way. Stop doing things for "how they will look in court", or "trying to make BM look bad".
Don't let her bait you into a fight.
No BM, not all youth sport
No BM, not all youth sport groups have mom only private chat groups. You have decided to circumvent the team app with a controlled by you private chat group, and conned the other moms to go along.
As a SM I would not ask to join. But, I think DH should say something to the coaches. He should remind them that not all parents are on this group and that they should be posting team news (practices, games, information for parents) on the app and not relying on the mom group to pass along anything.
My daughter is in several
My daughter is in several activities and i get annoyed when people create venues for excessive messaging and chatter. I don't have time to log into multiple sites every day to try and keep up. I bet some of the other moms feel the same way unless they too have no life outside their kids.
She told DH that all the moms
She told DH that all the moms gathered and nominated her to run the group chat. Baaaahahahah!! The funny thing is that we have a screen shot of her saying on the main site "hey moms, I started a group chat! Come join me"
like she's literally stupid!
She's a 7th grade mean girl
She's a 7th grade mean girl at heart, trying to bully DH this way. No reaction, there are probably two other moms in the group and they never talk about anything. She just wants DH to feel excluded.
Just be prepared. If she
Just be prepared. If she plans things on DH's weekend be ready to say "I have no idea why she'd plan something knowing he couldn't go" or "how odd that she made those plans knowing she'd be going alone" then a shrug and a smile.
You mean say this to the kids
You mean say this to the kids???
The kids, the judge, to her!
The kids, the judge, to her! All of them!
No. To the coach, the other
No. To the coach, the other parents, the judge if it is brought up in court. Dad needs to make sure he's kind, friendly with the other parents. Talk, ask questions, be friendly.
Tell the kids the honest truth: I know you wish you could go but Mom made plans when it is my time to see you and I don't want to miss a minute of my time with you. Then change the subject.
No, you should have nothing
No, you should have nothing to do with the Mom's Only chat crap. That is 100% her baiting you and your DH. Stick to your parenting time, no more, no less. Watch out for her to start making Skid feel bad for not being able to attend crap that she plans on DH's time. They have a magical way of making DH's look bad when they are the ones creating the issue.
She already does this.
She already does this. Constantly!!! And I mean constantly!!! The kids think he's a complete a-hole. Like "why doesn't dad let us do anything??" Which my god. We do SO MUCH with these kids!
They don't see what you do,
They don't see what you do, only what you DON'T do. Don't feed into that BS. Live your lives. Your time, your rules. She can do whatever the hell she wants on her time.
I kept a written calendar on
I kept a written calendar on the fridge with all our custody days highlighted and all our plans so ss could see "how excited we were to have our family time and all the things we can look forward to the next couple months! We better all be ready!" Also kept old calendars and pics handy to remind him of "all the fun stuff we did!" ;)
took a lot of time and energy but it was good for our family.
kids have short memories sometimes they need visual aids to help them see all you do. Plus it made ss feel like we were looking forward to seeing him. It didn't fix everything but it was helpful in showing him we thought about him. Also if bm tried to spring something last minute ss at least knew we had made plans 2 months ago so he could see it wasn't fair to switch when his mom also knew the schedule.
Yes to calendar
Agree with LittleCloud9 - my DH's ex used to always schedule stuff on his custody time. We ended up holding firm unless it was something that was discussed beforehand and agreed to (sometimes you need to recognise that birthday invites may not get to both houses or whatever). It was a tough boundary to hold, expecially with kids who were upset. We did the same thing - had a big calendar with the month on the wall with where the SKids were scheduled to be so they could see and check for themselves. Once they had smartphones we put this into a shared family calendar so they had it in their pockets at BM's house too. Over time she's had to deal with the embarassment of kids not turning up to things she committed to without consultation, and now she doesnt do it any more.
I really hope your DH gets a
I really hope your DH gets a court date soon so you can put yourselves out of the misery of trying to guess what will make yourselves look good in court while playing this nutjob's games.
I would not attempt to join the mom's group. No good can come of that. If I was your DH, I might mention to the coaches that he is excluded from that group, is NOT kept informed by BM and expects that any team events will be publicized on the team app.
If anything is planned for his time, he should insist on taking his time. Look, this BM is going to do what she can to destroy the kids' relationship with your DH. Even if he decides to let them go to the events or gives up his parenting time over them or makes the rest of your family miserable. She'll find another way. So don't disrupt your family. Don't make yourselves crazy over her. He should take his visitation time and do what HE wants to during that time. She's going to try to alienate the kids no matter what. Either they'll be able to resist it or they won't. Him tying himself in knots over it or bending to her will or trying to look good in court won't prevent it from happening.
Good points! Thank you.
Good points! Thank you.
Yep, 100%. Been there, it
Yep, 100%. Been there, it doesn't work. Do what is needed to keep peace in your home. They aren't going to take the kids away from him.
One more time: stick to the
One more time: stick to the CO. Don't even answer any of this crap.
The only thing he needs to be flexible about are important events planned by 3rd parties like the school or coach. Not crap BM makes up as she goes along.
If you get an unreasonable judge, things wouldn't go good for you anyway. Either way you can still enforce the CO.
BM is going to say what she says regardless of what you do.
Regarding the skids, DH should respond "Why does she keep scheduling stuff on my parenting time?"
tbh, it sounds like BM is grasping at straws.
Stick to the CO
If BM makes plans on DH parenting time, that on her. She knows the dates. She should know that SK can not attend anything on DH time. BM can not control yours and your family time
Exactly. DH should be
Exactly. DH should be documenting every time he has parenting time and every time he takes them to "sports." Being flexible is far different then allowing BM to usurp all of DH's parenting time. HE does not have to give into everything she wants.
Yes! Definitely.
Yes! Definitely.
She can plan to launch a
She can plan to launch a rocket to Mars on your husbands parenting time, it doesnt matter. The court ordered visitation supersedes any other scheduled plans. The only thing that stops the court ordered visitation is a medical emergency or prior authorisation from the non custodial parent to have the children stay with mom at that particular time
Have your husband text her the following " please ensure that all future plans or scheduled activities involving the children will not interfere with the scheduled court ordered visitation. If you have any required activities on my scheduled possession, please let me know and I will advise if this works or not. Thanks for your cooperation!"
No need to be on the app, its her responsibility to have the children ready at court ordered time for pick up no matter what she has going on
Have you guys considered how
Have you guys considered how it will look that DH continually concedes his time to BM? Forget the bullying part from her for a moment. From an outsider perspective (judge), if DH doesn't stand up for his time so he can be an active parent in his children's lives, it will appear that BM is more fit and has their best interests in mind. That Dad doesn't want to be involved, only complain about not getting time.
ETA: BM submitting a calendar showing all DH's scheduled visitation time and then all the dates he "chose" not to exercise his time is a very powerful visual.
I'm 100% not saying your DH is a flake. Please consider the spin that she can make with DH continually giving up time. A judge is not going to read every email or text. Time in court is very limited. Making sure you DH can demonstrate he has an active, healthy relationship with his kids and doing activities with them to help build character will go a lot further than 'DH caved so SKs can go to an ice cream party with BM' on his scheduled parenting time is not a good look... BM can spin it that everytime she asks for you DH to give up time, he has no problem with it, that he doesn't actually want his time.
Sadly, there are a lot of men who don't want to be a present parent. It's also a sad reality that it's a readily accepted norm. Father's that want to be involved are forced to find ways to change that narrative. It's not fair or right, but it's reality.
It doesn't matter. We can't
It doesn't matter. We can't win. No matter what he does it's the wrong thing. He gives up his time it looks bad, he doesn't give up his time it looks bad. At this point I just want some peace. She wants Tito take them? Then take them! I don't care. If he gets less time? Great! They apparently hate our guts snd want nothing to do with us anyway even though we give them an amazing life. We can't win. He fought for his time. We were told we should be flexible for the kids needs. Oh okay we will do that then get told he gives up his time. No matter what we look bad and she looks good.
We give up. Take the kids and gave a great life you lunatic.
Hmmmm ... that calendar gives
Hmmmm ... that calendar gives me an idea. Same idea but it's DH that produces it, with all of the days he should have visitation in yellow, for instance and put a cross on every one of his days that BM planned something else for the kids. It'll be easy to understand how BM is interfering in his time. Even for a judge.
Yeah we did that. I doubt
Yeah we did that. I doubt they care. It's not things she plans it's just "SS found a baseball clinic he would like to do Saturday. Can you take him? If not I would be happy to!" It's shit like that.
I'd count that as something
I'd count that as something she planned for. In fact, every time she attempted to put a spoke in your dh's wheel I would consider it to be planned. It's not as if it happens by chance, is it? And it doesn't matter if she'd be happy to take her son to whatever it is, if it isn't on her time, she doesn't get to.
It just doesn't matter. The
It just doesn't matter. The judge is going to be upset that SS found a clinic on his own during DH's time and she let him know about it? I mean. It seems like everything she does is just fine and everything DH is hoooooorible! Ugh!!!
Two perspectives.
Two perspectives.
1) The answer to any plans made by BM on DH's parenting time is .... NO! Unless it is agreed to by him long in advance. End of problem.
2) If you and/or DH want to know what the plans are for the kids that are being generated in the Team Mom's Group, Start fostering relationships with the team moms at games that your DH attends. Go be the hot SM happily on DH's arm and enthusiastically cheering the Skid. Just be pleasant and engaged when you are in proximity to the other Team Mom's. Once you make a connection with one of the moms who is not BM, ask that person to forward all of the Team Mom activity to you so that you can work with your DH so that the SKid can potentially participate in team activities on DH's time. This also pulls some of BM's teeth so she has a harder time using the team parents as a tool for interfering in DH's Skid time. Think of the power that will shift to DH if he starts addressing Skid team participation activities before BM can attempt to manipulate his time with his kids.
Once you get the foundational connection with a Team Mom, be very cautious in preserving that relatiionship. A great revenge point against BM would be for you and DH to start doing a couples night with one or more of the other team parent couples upon occassion. Without BM of course. But, if she does weasle into a regular couples night out when you go out with other team parent couples, you and DH can maintain some control and boundaries over BM and her mate if you already have those connections.
Ew. I literally want nothing
Ew. I literally want nothing to do with them. All the talk about is how big their houses are and how much money their husband's make and I have absolutely no patience for that mentality. None.
Then why even think of joining?
If you want to minimize BM's crap, you can either ignore her, or take action. Your choice.
Just to show exclusion. She
Just to show exclusion. She would never let me join but the whole point is for the households to be in the mix with plans. If DH can't join because he's not a mom and I'm a stepmom why not?? I'm not really going to join though.
Ah! Got it.
One of those juicy hypotheticals.
They can be fun.
Take care of you.
Wonder how many actually
Wonder how many actually signed up for this private chat group? Not many, I bet. And those who did sign up are going to get bored with it pretty quickly - I mean, what are they going to have to talk about that they haven't already discussed at games/practice?