What to do
I have never posted over here but just saw this forum.
My SD12 has Reactive Attachment Disorder. Her mom abandoned her at 5 and her dad and I have been raising her ever since. She will be 13 next month. We have 2 children together, BD4 and BS2. SD12 is a horrible child. There is not a single rule she follows (and I seriously mean that, she purposely breaks all rules. Kids with this disorder want to control everything and everyone, so they do what they want when they want). She started smoking, she runs away, she can't be left alone with bios or she hurts them...physically or verbally. She destroys things in our house, paints black paint on walls, steals from us and tells rumors to teachers and friends and friends' parents that I am abusive to her.
She is toxic to my marriage, toxic to our family life and toxic to my bios. I feel I have tried to help her for 8 years...she is only getting worse. I don't think we can afford to put her in foster care, but I think we need to find somewhere else for her to live. No, this is not a step-monster speaking, just someone worn out, hopeless and feeling like a bad mom to my bios. What do I wait for? CPS to believe her and take my bios from me?
We have tried grounding, then
We have tried grounding, then found it is not recommended for kids like her (it doesn't work for them because they aren't attached to anything, so taking things away doesn't affect them). Grounding did not work at all. Now we are trying therapeutic parenting but don't know much about it. You give a something for all actions-positive and negative. Positive gets them a treat or more TV time, etc. Negative actions get them chores. So far, this isn't working for us, either. SD has ten chores piled up and with her mouth, they will never get done before she has ten more.
I think part of the problem is my husband likes to ignore things. He knows she is screwed up, but if he ignores it, it doesn't affect him as much. So when she is good for a week, he eases up and she gets worse again. Then he gets strict again, but when she is good he eases up and the cycle repeats itself.
SD12 is severe in every
SD12 is severe in every single category listed. I would make her a "10" on all parameters except destruction of property...for that, I would list her as an "8". The man that diagnosed her said she was "severely emotionally detached".
I do think this is a true disorder that comes about after neglect. But I also think many emotionally "healthy" kids display a lot of the characteristics. The difference between a "real" RAD and a brat acting like a RAD, is the consistency and the extent of the behaviors. Normal kids are brats occasionally...my SD is a brat CONSTANTLY. She sabotages everything...doing nice things with her actually brings about bad behavior because she tries to push me away so I can't get too close.
With that said, I feel bad for her...she is this way because she was traumatized early in life...but she is a human being who is quite capable of acting like a decent human being. I guess I just need "permission" to give up on her. I want a life back...a happy life back.
We tried to make her mom take
We tried to make her mom take her(after not seeing her for nearly 8 years). Her mom sent her back after 3 weeks and abandoned her again. Now I wish we just refused to take her back.
My ex's first born was
My ex's first born was totally out of control although not due to this disorder. He was hyper active and looking back I can see that he had zero inhibition. That part of his brain which warned him of consequences and such just didn't exist. Other problems existed and of course its very complex.
We would walk him to school and see him into his classroom and the instant we left he just got up and walked out. No consequences worked. He did as he pleased.
My insurance covered 30 days of psychiatric in-patient treatment which didn't do anything except to teach us that under minute supervision, i.e. someone always looking at him or he's literally in a locked room, he did quite well and was anxious to please. He just had to have unending supervision.
So when they released him we just didn't pick him up. You can do the same by taking her to the police station. When Child Protective Services called they threatened us with criminal prosecution for child abandonment. (We obviously didn't abandon him such as leaving him under a bridge). We explained the situation and told them we would prefer to face prosecution than take him back. Six months in jail at least had a end to it. Living with this kid did not. Once they realized we were serious they took him into foster care, then a group home which he eventually ran away from then into the criminal system as he ran away from the group home in the homes van - as in auto theft.
We had to pay the county for his care but that ended when he ran.
He never returned to our home and is now a alcoholic living in Las Vegas in and out of jail. But not for one minute do I regret the decision because the choice was either devote your life to this kid or do what we did. And I mean devote your life to staring at this kid except when literally locked in a room. Locked - not sent - but locked. Home schooling while handcuffed to the dining room table?
No matter what I may have done the kid would have ended up badly. There simply was no program, drug or system that would have made a "good" or even acceptable person. His brain was just too out of wack and could never be made whole again.
If you can live with the consequences of an action like this then take the step. Of course I would hope that your system of child services can better handle your situation than for this boy some 30+ years ago. At first child services will think you're just incompetent or lazy so it will take some convincing but as they observe the kid in foster care they'll realize the child is out of control.
Foster care is not fun for a kid. There is a possibility that once in the system the kid may realize that the gorilla in the jungle is not a good option compared to living at home and may try to correct the behavoir. This is assuming their disorder allows them that control. The brain is fascinating as well as mysterious and she literally may be unable to control her behavoir. Sometimes a part of the brain simply does not function and irregardless of what external pressures are put on the person they simply cannot react in a way we consider normal.
Her perception of your control may be seen as a sort of drowning. By that I mean that if she is not in control she will die or suffer some equally horrible consequence. Any one of us would do whatever is necessary to avoid that consequence and once that is realized her actions become more understandable.
OCC, here's some wonderful
OCC, here's some wonderful advice for you:
"I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me"
It's nice to know someone
It's nice to know someone else has come through this nightmare and survived. I think your SS also likely had RAD, you mentioned some signs/symptoms...your experience with him sounds very similar to my experience with SD. It is such a sad situation. And so hard to live with.
"Her perception of your control may be seen as a sort of drowning. By that I mean that if she is not in control she will die or suffer some equally horrible consequence. Any one of us would do whatever is necessary to avoid that consequence and once that is realized her actions become more understandable."
^^^^this is exactly the case, actually written similarly on several sites for families of RADs. However, trying to get her to relinquish her control and give in to yours is easier said than done, unfortunately.
How did she become RAD? I
How did she become RAD? I have only heard of this disorder with foreign adoptions.
Her mom neglected her and
Her mom neglected her and then abandoned her. Kids get this disorder when they do not feel loved, therefore don't attach to a care-giver early in life. Some believe this disorder can be acquired in the womb, perhaps if the mother doesn't give off enough "love" hormones because she is not in love with her pregnancy. This explains why some kids adopted as babies have RAD.
My SD often said she wasn't fed, she was left with strangers...her mom dumped her whenever she could. Her mom also likely had RAD which is likely why she didn't attach to SD (her mom was in the foster system due to her bad behavior). This child is not capable of genuinely attaching to or loving anyone or anything. If she doesn't get "fixed" she will raise kids just like her. It is a scary cycle.
The disorder can also occur with premature babies that are in a lot of pain after birth, or who cannot have close physical contact soon after birth.