When Skid shares insights with other parent
What do you do in this situation?
I'm the stepmom and I have a SS9 and he's with his bio mom right now. Started EOW and she was primary parent when he was 4 yo and now we have him primary the past year due to obvious issues with the bio mom as of last summer. Now she just recently gotten weekends with him since start of summer. It's been somewhat quiet until now.. the past year has been alot of unlearning his moms terrible behaviors. So at first he was glad to be with us bc weekends with us were always fun for years. Well now that the past yr he's been held accountable, he has chores, responsibilities and he's been getting in trouble bc of lies and going against what we say its not so fun here. So now he's telling his mom that Im mean basically.
I figured this day would come eventually...
Has this happened to any of you? What would you do or say? I'm thinking about how to approach this by tomorrow when he returns. Crazy part is I'm always gentle with his feelings but lately he's been disrespectful etc so I've had to use a stern voice more. His dad sides with me on anything I say which is how he's always held accountable etc. But oddly enough only my name came up from bm and so of course bm is only pissed at me. Dh told her off and said everything I mentioned here and her feelings seemed hurt. All I care about is how to move forward with this with SS...we have him primarily and i dont want a rift between us. Im a bit sad he confided in her despite her terrible actions in the past. What are your thoughts? How would you handle this moving forward with your skid?
Loyalty bind
I had never heard the term "loyalty bond" til I joined ST. But it explains a lot. I'm guessing your 9yo SS is saying whatevet it takes to make his mom happy. He probably feels guilty about being separated from her, may mistakenly believe it's due to him somehow.
Others will have good advice. I belatedly recognized this pattern in my YSS, now 55. I knew in my heart he liked me and appreciated my efforts but he kept me at arms length. I realize now he was in a loyalty bond due to his deep feelings for BM.
If your DH is backing you up, that's gold. About all you can do is maintain your consistency and not take it personally. Lavina, we stepmoms could all be saints like Mother Teresa and we'd still get this fallout from loyalty bond. Good luck, it sounds like you're doing a good job.
Another thought
One thing I regret is that my SKs probably overheard me discussing BM on the phone with my SIL. I never said anything negative to them about BM, or said anything in front of them. But I vented to SIL, my only outlet and Lord knows, I needed to vent. I'm not saying you do this, probably not, but I should have done better.
That is not to say that you shouldn't explain situations to SS as they arise in an age-appropriate manner.
Kids are loyal to their bio parents, no matter how flawed they are. When my ex and I separated, the kids and I lived with my parents who were justifiably incensed by my ex's drug use, lack of work ethic and many other things. (They overlooked my flaws and my part in the whole thing). My kids overheard them and it wasn't good for them. When my son heard my ex had been fired, he thought it meant he'd burned up.
It's hard to keep our emotions in check in a situation like yours. Keep venting on ST. We have heard it all.
I appreciate this
Hearing that it's okay to vent...I've held my tongue alot and when I'd share I'd barely get any response from family. They just don't get ir. I feel a bit sane here so thank you all for listening and giving advice. It feels lonely in this at times.
My focus is on behavior. The feelings are a choice associated
with the behavior. I make sure what they feel is comensurate with the behaviors chosen.
Positive behaviors, positive feelings. Inappropriate behaviors.... escalating misery.
Their choice.
This was as much for my self preservation as anything else. If I focus on the behaviors as a choice, the consequences are also their choice and I can avoid the majority of the emotional turmoil.
Take care of you.
Kids often behave very
Kids often behave very different at school vs home so as long as you have clear expectations and consistent responses to your SS not meeting these expectations it's not unreasonable to expect a kid to be able to switch behaviors at your house vs BM. Of course you need to also expect a day of adjustment when he gets back. The important thing is for you guys to stay consistent and not start comparing your house to BMs because then SS will start playing you off one another to avoid accountability.
I understand he is in your
I understand he is in your home full time.. and you can't avoid situations where you may have to tell him to do or not do something.. but you should not be the primary parent to him in your home. While you may have been ok before as the fun auntie type of role when it was weekends only.. if you are wading in now.. telling him to clean his room.. not chew with his mouth open.. get better grades.. pick up his shoes.. etc.. you are overcompensating for his father.. who is his primary parent.
Because.. "Correction without connection" breeds resentment... since you don't have that bio parent unconditional love thing.. when you try to parent him.. it comes off as "mean".. and he resents it.
And.. as others pointed out.. he may feel guilty about changing over to dad's.. or his mom may be fishing for him to say you are not a good person too.
I would back way off the oversight and discipline with him.. of course.. if dad is not there.. you may have to do a bit.. but DAD should be parenting most of the time..
You're so right. I really
You're so right. I really have been doing way too much and it accounts for why I'm so tired when I didn't have to do all this in the first place. Thanks for also explaining how resentment can be formed. As much as I don't want to admit it's very true I've been acting as the primary parent more than dh. He does send out the bigger punishments and anytime whatever ss did was too bad I always involve dh and he handles it but I have been so onto SS lately bc its been so out of hand. But I cannot run myself crazy anymore. Thanks so much for sharing this helps a ton. It feels good to back off and have less to do for once.