Hi everyone, I've posted on this site before but in a different forum. I'm posting on here to vent and get my feelings out, also in hopes of having some constructive thoughts sent my way. I already feel guilty enough at the thought of disengaging, but I don't know what else to do.....

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. He has a son (9) and a son (14 in September). We don't like together...we live an hour apart from each other. I used to think it was a horribly unbearable thing...but over the last year, I have realized that it is a blessing in disguise. His son just turned 9 yesterday and is a manipulative, miserable, self-centrered child. It's all about him. I truly believe that he has ADHD and may also be on the spectrum. There is absolutely no issue with that. My 9 year old Daughter was diagnosed with ADHD almost a year ago and I have done copious amounts of research on the topic. Not only do I see many signs in his son that I saw in my Daughter....I actually see more as well as things that lead me to believe that he is on the spectrum for autism. 

Here is a bit of a rundown of some of the signs I have noticed:

- Temper tantrums. Now at 9...he shouldnt be having temper tantrums, especially when unprovoked. I can understand losing your sh*t if you were bullied on a daily basis or something...but that isn't the case. He is spoiled and entitiled in my opinion. I have done enough research to know that older children should have some emotional regulation....but he flies of the handle for no reason. Last weekend, he lost his mind because I put a song on that he didn't like. In previous tantrums, he has gotten upset that my daughter wanted to sit in the front on the way to the grocery store and then he sit in the front on the way back. That wasn't good enough....he wanted to sit in the front both ways or he wasn't going. He has gotten upset because I bought him smarties for an at-home movie night. What kid doesn't like smarties? And instead of being grateful that he got anything....he freaked out. This is my biggest concern. It isn't fair to have to leave the room or even the house because he is having a full out meltdown. All signs point to him not wanting me around and I've kinda given in. 

- He doesn't often make eye contact. He will for a second maybe. It sounds awful but even just looking at him straight in the eyes...I can tell that something is up. He also doesn't talk to me. His Dad still has to tell him to say 'hi' to me when I come over. Two years in and the kid has had maybe one or two conversations with me. It's like starting back at zero each time we are around each other. Please trust me when I say that I am not a horrible monster and have given no reason for him to not like me. Though i ahve kind of given up lately, I have tried to do fun things for the kids. I buy them little treats for each holiday (easter, valentine's day, halloween) and leave them for them boys to find when they are at their Dad's next. Buy waterguns, sparklers and bubbles for backyard fun. I do my best to find out what they like for their bdays and christmas, I do my best to be involved but not invade their space. I leave nothing of mine at his place as his 9 year old seems to not want me around, so Ieave no trace of myself. I realy do my best to keep a distance. 

- He doesn't seem to have any empathy toward others. If it benefits him or affects him, that is when he is either happy or really pissed off. We have to make exactly what he wants for meals or he gets upset. We have to watch movies that he wants to watch or he gets upset. He cant regulate his emotions at all. He has a very bad temper. His Dad responds with bribes and talks to him like a toddler. "If you're a good boy today, we will go get ice cream later.' F*cking kidding me? He isn't 4....and bribing for good behaviour is a horrible way to parent in my opinion!

- He fidgits, talks constantly (I mean, non-stop and to himself alot!) and does not stop moving. He gets up from the table while eating, to dance or go get a toy or do something not related to eating. Like nearly every meal. When he sleeps, he literally does circles in his bed. The sheets are ripped off, the pillows on the floor, he's fallen out of bed. This is ADHD at it's finest....I have seen alot of this with my Daughter. 

- I think his motor skills are lacking as well. He cant hold utensils properly. He holds them like a caveman would and spills food all over the place, at every meal. There are just as many peices of food that end up on the table and floor as they do in his mouth. He will get milk all over his face when he drinks and then walks around with a milk moustache as he can't drink properly and doesn't think to wipe his mouth. Its very strange...he can put together a lego kit but he can't get food into his mouth without spilling. He soemtimes even uses his hands which grosses me out.

This is a short list and I could go on and on....but it give you an idea of what I am up against. What everyone is up against, as everyone is affected by the way he acts. It puts a damper on the mood of the 'family unit' and causes everyone to retreat.

I just feel like I cant win as I have talked to his Dad about this whole situation and the fact that I think his son needs to see a professional and while his Dad listens, he doesn't seem overly concerned. I think he is naive and doesnt want to admit that there is a serious issue. But I forsee the future for this boy as being a troubled one if his parents don't come to grips with the fact that he is unstable and angry,

Thoughts? Ideas? Concerns? Please...be kind...I'm upset enough as it is...