I love this question! For me it stopped when I had nothing more to do with my exhusband. he was always trying to stir the pot and make me look bad to our girls. They are now adults in their mid-late 20's. Last year at Christmas time when I was visiting I told them both I wanted to hear nothing more about their fatehr and they have been really good about respecting my wishes. He and I have been divorced for 23 years.

After being divorced for 10 years, my ex and I don't have the usual war anymore. We basically have the same fact based relationship we did when we were married, which is kinda disturbing, yet peaceful. We cooperate for the kids.

My husband's ex is still a mad rabid bitch from hell who likes to stir the shit pot at every opportunity. She's a whore. There is no discussing anything with the she-devil because she is incapabale of understanding any lucid thought. Her hatred for us is ruining her youngest son's life.

Oh well. You reap what you sow. You take care of you. You are 2 years in to a long journey to sanity. It can eventually happen!

Amen Butterfly. If the drama is not over with the ex these men should not be trying to get involved with someone new. The arguing is a way of continuing the old relationship, which makes it impossible for for anyone to start a new relationship. The talking about the kids, the arguing, the endless court dates are a way of keeping the relationship going. It doesn't mean the two people want to be together but it does mean the two people have not had an emotional divorce -- they're still in the dynamic of their marriage.

This happened to me and is why things failed. It felt like a threesome. I would NEVER EVER EVER get involved with someone who hadn't had years to process their divorce. I am divorced and have pretty much ZERO drama, interaction, anything bad with my exH, so I know a more peaceful type of relationship between exes can exist. My ex is remarried and I stay out of their life, don't call during the day or call at all unless it is absolutely essential, I don't talk about the SM or their life. I have my own life. My ex does make comments to my kids about my life but other than that, he doesn't harass me. We're divorced -- we have separate lives.

You have every right to feel the way you do.

I have felt like this over the past two years so I really relate to you. The end result is that I don't feel like his real wife. It leads to feelings of insecurity in me and then I look like a jealous paranoid crazy woman.

The only time she really gets to keep up the drama now is at changeover times. All sorts of games go on to try to engage DH. She always always leaves all the plans until the last minute. She spends days after the changeover "dropping stuff" or "picking stuff up". When I suggest we get them "stuff" at our house so they don't have to keep dropping "stuff", DH just says, they already have one "stuff" - they don't need two. He doesn't get it. It's sad that he bites her hook EVERY TIME.

There is this vague sense of unease I have at the kids sports too. Mostly it comes when DH spends time looking for her across the field. When I ask him what he is looking for he says nothing or something else. But he constantly references her and I know it is her he is trying to find. Im not sure if my insecurity comes from this or if this is the result of insecurity and I am starting to imagine things.

It's nuts really.

We went to a family pool party at the end of last year. He walked in and she gave him an apron and instructed him to start cooking at the bbq. He said yes to her but muttered "not" under his breath so I could hear it. His fear of her gives me the same feeling - he is still emotionally married to someone else. I asked him why he can't just say no. He didn't really answer me. I guess after 20 years of marriage, patterns get set in concrete. Or maybe .... I dunno.... if someone cares how the other feels, is that love?

Blah

My DH learnt early on just to keep out of her way as much as possible. When he goes to pick up my SS he sits in the car and waits, he doesn't even wait at the door. The only time he goes in is if she needs something doing in the house or garden and wants him to help. Their relationship goes from being civil to yelling. It's been 8yrs!! I'm like why can't she just let it go?! Move on, get a life!! She hasn't dated once since they split up but I think part of that is no one is that stupid or desperate.

Sometimes they meet up in a pub to discuss issues about the SS, after all these years I just let them get on with it. But at the moment she's in another of her 'you're a dirty bastard for leaving me' moods and won't talk. In fact she's kicked out my SS who's had to come live with us. I have never, in all the time we've been together, said anything to her other than, hello when I answer the phone/door, that's about it. I would LOOOOVE to go round to her house and just tell her what I think!! At the moment I'm tempted to go round and tell her I'm going to get the crazy bitch sectioned cause she's doing my head in!

My DH did warn me right from the start she would be a thorn in our side. SS is 16 next week, I'm holding out for 18 and keeping my fingers crossed at that point I can say goodbye to the crazy ex, but somehow I doubt it.

I know how you feel, it's like everyone else is taken into consideration, I never get a say in anything and yet my life is affected by every decision they make!! It doesn't feel like a normal marriage and I wonder if it ever will.

My hubby and his XW have been divorced for 8 years. they have been very civil for about 4 years (thanx to some communication coaching by yours truly) and have almost been friends since her second husband left her 6 months ago. Most of it has been training them both to focus on the kids and not assuming what the other is thinking or why the other is doing something they're doing. It's helped in our marriage too because DH knows that I'm here for his kids as well as him, and BM knows I'm not here to step into a mom role, I'm here to help them fulfil their vision for their kids. It helped a lot when they had one big blow out early in our relationship that I walked out of our house because of how he was treating her. I made it clear to him and to her that I don't appreciate either of them treating the other as if they were less than people. At that time, he was still doing everything he could to please me, so we were able to start a good habit. Funny how I couldn't train him like that now if I wanted to. }:)

I almost divorced my DH during our first year together. BM and kid were so intrusive and ever present in our lives. I neglected my relationship with my own bios, and I neglected my health and job. Kid was insatiable as far as needing attention and money, and BM was a screaming BPD wreck of a woman who ruined our reputation in the community. We had to set really strict boundaries about phone calls, money, communication in general. It was difficult but worth it to save the marriage.

I still have that problem. My DH only been separated for three yrs common law divorced 8 months so its still fresh for her he didn't want to be with her for a awhile their relationship was way before he finally left her. She blames me for him leaving her and they argue a lot still just like they did when they were together. So yeah its like world war III

I have this issue as well. My DH and I have been together for 6 years. BM is a very manipulative and conniving. In the beginning she would call me multiple times a week telling me all of these bad things about DH to try to get me to stop seeing him. Over the last 6 years, she would start a fight about anything. And every single fight would be DH's fault. Everything in her life would be DH's fault. She has even gotten to the point that she has shared some of those supposedly true stories with my SD and SS. Just so I am clear, if these stories were remotely true, my DH would be in prison right now and all over the news. No such records even exist, etc. BM has even gone as far as to start yelling at me in front of hundreds of people at SD's indoor soccer game about me owing her money for SD's soccer shoes. Yes, me.... not DH. ?????

Over the years, DH has been able to learn how to not feed her fire by responding to her stupid rants and arguments. Eventually she stops after a few days. But everything with her is a fight and it is very emotionally draining.