For those of you who are thinking that you cannot successfully disengage....KEEP TRYING. Eventually it will work. Stick to your guns and if you run out of ammo, just reload and get back into position!
I tried to disengage a few times previously. I let myself be guilted back into doing too much for the SKIDs and then felt resentful and unappreciated. And THAT is the cycle: DO TOO MUCH, FEEL UNAPPRECIATED AND RESENTFUL.
If your SO wants you to butt out. Do it. Don't be lured back to your old convenient role.
If your boundaries are violated and you just don't feel good about how much you are doing for SKIDs, back way off. You can always re-adjust as feels comfortable for you.
HERE IS THE NEW IMPROVED ME:
I am not involved in SD's school work or anything related to grades nor school. No attending events. I could care less if she passes or fails but if SD comes to me on her own and shows me a good grade, I will cheer her on.
I won't cook separate meals for her or make sure that she eats. When I cook, when i WANT TO COOK, I will make food that I want to make. If SD does not like it, my SO ( that is his new name) can make it for her or SD can do it herself or not. It is not my responsibility to make sure that she eats or eats well. SO takes the easy way out usually...McDonalds or chicken nuggets. Nothing healthy. Whatever. Not my problem.
I won't do SD's laundry. I won't assist SD to do her laundry. She can deal with her pee and poop filled underwear on her own or ask her Dad. I won't but SD special detergent to get out smells. SO has been doing her laundry. I caught him putting our pillow cases in with SD's load. I told him never again. He understood. I don't want even my cleaning rags mixed with her putrid clothes.
I won't buy her treats or special things at the store. She has a tendency to get porky so its better for her anyway. It felt great when I did a shop yesterday. I just bought things for ME. I bought the yoghurt that I like for once; as a matter of fact I made sure that it was all SD's most unfavorite flavors so that she won't eat them. I bought some special chips that I have hidden just for me.
I am not going to feel pressured to take SD anywhere. I don't have to pick her up from friend's houses or have her come with me on an errand. It is only if I want to. And I mostly don't. So I won't .
SO already knows that I don't like to spend family time with her. Now I am not going to even try and force myself just to please my SO. He does not deserve it. Neither does SD.
I think this list could go on and on so maybe I should just say WHAT I WILL DO FOR SD:
Talk to her nicely when she talks to me and make pleasant conversation otherwise.
Celebrate her accomplishments ( this will be rare as she hardly does anything exceptional or correctly).
As any other guest in my home I will make sure she is safe and not in harms way.
Eat at the table as a "family" but excuse myself after I am done eating especially if she engages in too much conversation domination. She did so the other night. IT became HER SHOW to the point that it was unbearable. I don't think she is that funny or interesting like my SO does.
Let her live rent free now because I have to and try not to resent her for it.
Won't buy her clothes, supplies, soap, or anything. That is her Dad's problem.
SO FAR THAT IS IT.....AND GOSH DOES IT FEEL GOOD.