Afraid to discipline SK
Forums:
Is anyone else afraid to discipline their SKs? SD13 and I get along really well, but I have a hard time telling her what to do (study, chores, etc.). The thing is - I know if I told her to do something, she'd do it and not give me any problems. So why is it so hard for me? I think it's because in the beginning they say to not discipline the kids. Let the real parent enforce things and you're supposed to be the back up. It's been a couple years, so you'd think I'd be comfortable w/ discipling, but I'm not.
**I should note that I don't have any biological children, and this is the first time I've been in a parental role. Please help.
The thing is - my husband
The thing is - my husband WANTS me to take a more active role. He doesn't like that I expect him to always say something. I don't know what to do.
I am in this exact same
I am in this exact same situation. He wants me to take a more active role. But I feel uncomfortable confronting them on things they've done wrong or enforcing the few rules around here. I also feel that if I do discipline them that he will come behind me and soften the blow making me feel like the bad cop. He's done it before so I am pretty sure he'll do it again.
How long have you been
How long have you been together? My DH and I have been together almost 3 years, married for a little over a year. My SD13 and I get along extremely well, so I'm 99% sure she wouldn't give me attitude. I think it's the whole "wicked stepmother" stigma. I told my husband when a SM tells a kid to do something, it sounds 10 times worse, even if it's something simple. She's a great kid right now, but she's been a teenager for less than a year. Everybody knows that teenagers (and SKs) can completely change overnight. I guess that's what I'm afraid of - that she'll change when/if I take on more of a parental role.
Not your kid and its natural
Not your kid and its natural to feel that its not yours to discipline and be comfortable with it. Your normal for that! Think of it like this, would you be comfortable to spank a child that you are just babysitting? (if you believed in spanking)
I don't "discipline" for
I don't "discipline" for other reasons. In my case, if I tell my SD anything, all I get is argument and eye rolls...then she goes and tells her mom that I'm being a b***h, and I get nasty texts calling me a white trash step-mom. I had enough, and told my husband it is all on him - I will NOT step in any more! I don't need nasty texts from his ex during my work day...work is stressful enough!
I would say, if you don't feel comfortable, then let your partner do it.
Start out by suggesting or
Start out by suggesting or questioning: "Is your homework done" or "Check the trash I think it need emptying".
I have BK's and that's a
I have BK's and that's a sticky wicket too for me when it comes to disciplining the SD14. In a way you are lucky because you don't have the question "would I admonish my BK about this?"..running through your head. You sound sincere so I'm sure youre talks, rules, and punishments will be on point. You'll be doing both of you a disservice if you don't address the behavior issues as they occur. It sounds like you have your DH's support and that is awesome. And really, if you were him, would you want to be perceived as the only bearer of bad news? Makes him the bad guy and no one wants to be that. And trust me, if you resist with addressing the issues (and for whatever reason don't advise the DH of an issue, as you don't want to be considered a nag or something) then those issues will fester within you and cause resentment. You sound nice. DH sounds reasonable. No one said you have to yell. Just tell her why you are reprimanding her. Like "you are always usually polite, so I must know why you disregard me when I text you a message?",,,or whatever.. good luck
"Sticky wicket" I like that.
"Sticky wicket" I like that. Never heard that before. "And really, if you were him, would you want to be perceived as the only bearer of bad news? Makes him the bad guy and no one wants to be that." You are exactly right. That's how he feels. You're also right that I'm nice (at least I thnk i am), and I want to stay nice. That's why I'm so nervous about discipline! I have to say, SD doesn't really do anything bad (knock on wood), so I don't know what I'm so worried about. Sometimes I tell her to watch her mouth, but we usually laugh about it. She might say "WTF" or something like that, which I don't like. She says the letters, but we all know what it stands for, so I don't think it's good for a 13 yr old to say that. I can do little things like that. Thanks for the advice. You sound nice too.