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Had a big fight with DH and I feel rotten

Freshstart's picture

Submitted by Freshstart on Wed, 10/03/2012 - 6:01pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

Hi DH and I had a big fight. The last few weeks have been a crazy roller coaster. So happy when SD16 is not here and then so unhappy when she is. Yes it is the holidays and she traditionally lolls around the house and plays havoc with our lives in general with splitting behaviours so I was really not looking forward to it. I just finished an intense work contract and wanted a trouble free break. I feel he is now blaming me and my ability to adjust and deal with her. Stuff was said and then I said the wrong thing. "Have you ever considered that she is not very pleasant to be around. She just sits around. She criticises and is disrespectful about everyone she talks about. It makes me not want to hang out with her. She rings you and has private chats when the things discussed have to do with our household and she should be advising me. Is she a daughter or a mistress!".

Help me. I know I should not have said that stuff. I know it was too much. He hates me now and thinks I am nuts. He reckons lots of people think she is great. So I said "well where are they when I am home with her on holidays? Where are you? Where are these people? She just sits in the house all day."

He turned on me. He will never ever address his daughter's attitudes or behaviours. She stole the disk of photos from our camera with honeymoon photos. Luckily nothing too risque but still private. He was so busy making excuses he missed the fact that it was just wrong and that I felt my privacy had been breached.

OK enough excuses. I have done and said the wrong thing. For two years I managed not to be critical. Now I have blown it.
What do I do now? :?

Freshstart's picture

Submitted by Freshstart on Wed, 10/03/2012 - 10:05pm

Hello there. Thankyou for writing. i am feeling like an idiot for exploding and saying stuff out loud that I should not say about someone's child. Anyone's child. Let alone my lovely DH's child. I understand about the lying. There is a lot of it that happens in our house via SD16 as well. If you, like me, are a straight up and down sort of a woman then it is very hard to deal with. I would give you a mum hug if I could. A really good friend said to me do not fall into the trap of becoming the bad guy and the only disciplinarian in the household. I suspect you and I are about to fall for that one hook line and sinker. We both need to pull back.

I had disengaged really successfully for ages but DH kept dragging me in to the mess. Can you try to disengage? I am about to go back to that state and just ignore his attempts to make me responsible. it is better. Even when she baits me, I will ignore it or pull her up but then focus my gaze in the middle distance and move on.

Hang in there. Don't lose it like I did.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Wed, 10/03/2012 - 11:39pm

Sorry to hear that.It could have happened to me and it has happened to me that I said things I regreted afterwards.
You had very good points though.I hope he will see your point of view, maybe it will take him a while to get it.

Freshstart's picture

Submitted by Freshstart on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 12:14am

An update and a positive note. I do vent here so I thought maybe a positive as well. We had an ok chat about all this and for my part I said that I understood how hard it is if someone criticises your child. He said it was really hard because he heard some truth as well.

No miracles but a bit happier as a discussion in our marriage. I admire his courage and that he is trying to understand that this is tough gig for me.