SD17.... I just don't know what I'm suppose to do I feel like this is a never ending rollercoaster
So...... BM called again. Of course she did right? Because she can't just let shit be. SD17 has been calling her mom every day crying about how she has lost her dad and she is no longer his priority and how unfair it is and how sad it is..... and she just cries all the time at grandmother's. So SO called SD17 of course she hung up on him after a few words so then he tried to text.
He told her that if she wants to be adult (as she SCREAMS that she is) then he will speak to her on an adult level AGAIN... so he expressed to her about the choice she made to NOT stay with us because of her hate for me. He also went into detail regarding a few other things regarding her attitude and her cruelty to everyone not just me. And that it is unacceptable and he will no longer be supportive of her and her ways. That we aren't sacrificing another moment of our boys solitude and happiness to accomidate (sp I know) her tantrums and bitch fits. That for 5 years everyone has given in to her ever whim and well it's time that she start learning to give. Time that she start understanding that there are other people to consider regarding feelings. BM called..... right after he sent it. She said our boys are use to the screaming and yelling with SD17. They don't care or mind if it goes on. UM excuse me? Why do they have to be subjected to it? Why do they HAVE to be use to that? Why are WE expected to mop up the mess that BM has created. She has not ONE time backed SO on anything when it comes to SD17. So of course SD17 feels that anything he says is just not worth her time of day. IF we have no backing then why are we wasting our time answering BM's calls? I'll tell you why!!! Cuz that bitch is crazy and wants SO at her beck and call. UGH!!!!!!!
Ok back to the text between SO and SD17. He proceeded to explain to her that for the past five years he has delt with what ever BM and SD17 have thrown at him. First it was joint custody. Then it was I want the kids with me during the nights during the week but you can do days and weekends. Followed with a promise of no I'm not moving with them anywhere I just want the overnights (at this time SO was still oblivious to any rights he had) then she dropped the bomb of they are moving 6 hours away. BM painted a pretty picture of yes of course every two weeks we will meet half way. I won't take your children from you. Bla Bla Bla...... then after a month it dropped to once a month of her being able to make the trip half way... then it went to a month and a half then to her ignoring calls all the time. The entire time SO trying to figure out what to do if he can afford another trip to court all that bla bla bla when you are dealing with crazy ex's. Then he told SD17 that he has been dealing with all those "deal with it dads" and it was time for her to be a bit more giving and a bit more understanding and meet him halfway on dealing with what is going on (basically its hate for me) to work on things. To try. Her reply was....... and I quote "did you want me to feel sorry for you dad? Because I don't" I am no longer a priority in your life. My SO was reduced to tears.
So tomorrow he is headed over to grandmother's house to have a face to face with SD17. We have seen SD17 three times since they came 9 days ago for the summer. AND all three times she has full on ignored my presence and this past weekend refused to come out of the bedroom at MIL for breakfast I had cooked for everyone. And when she finally did it was take me to my grandmother's. So of course he took her right then. Which I am totally ok with. Because she just picks at everyone and makes things rather difficult. Ok so the reason for me saying that. SO tells me yesterday in the car that he is going to have this face to face with her about the attitude and how WE are ALL going to fix the ignoring issues. Well I stood my ground. I'm sorry but the last time I went out of my way to GIVE GIVE GIVE I got SHIT SHIT SHIT on and thrown under a train and tossed out the window of a plane. I will NOT go out of my way for this brat ever again. She told her BM that her reasons for not liking me are related to how I raised my daughter. EXCUSE ME? My daughter is 19. Out of the house. Working two jobs and raising a SS3 herself. I am very proud of my daughter. Her judgement is because last summer when SD17 came my daughter took her for a night and of course they went to a party where there was drinking. Um BOTH daughters drank. Yet SD17 is casting stones about the fact that my daughter drank.... seriously... come on. I don't want my kid to EVER drink but when she is living on her own I have very little say in something like that. Atleast my daughter is not posting pics of herself on FB in miniskirts, leopard print nylons, high heels and the word FRESH underneath it..
So I believe SO has been so worn down from the your a bad dad BS that he may try to bring her into our home. What are your thoughts ladies? I know my thoughts are HELL NO..... but then that gives everyone the finger pointing at me that I am "that" nasty stepmonster.
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Who is this "everyone"? A 17YO whom your SO is trying to show boundaries to, a BM who is a manipulative cheat, and who else? A MIL? If she's against you on this it won't be the first time a MIL has been against a DIL.
You have had the proof of the pudding now the parents must clean the basin. She prefers living with her BM and if your SO wants to create some sort of therapeutic household experiment with her he can do it at his parents' home. That way the work gets done and you get the whole big mess out of your hair and off your shoes.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO please don't let her in. She is not ready to be polite to you and she will undo all the amazing work your SO appears to have done wising up to her crap and beginning to set some parental boundaries which will help her grow up. At a big distance from you. It sends out all the wrong messages to let her in at this point. SO should be driving home the point that she has to earn your respect and apologise to you before she sets foot in your home again.
Stand your ground girl, just
Stand your ground girl, just like you plan to do. If you don't win this one, you'll never get back out from under the train. Good luck and keep us updated, please.
You know what you need to do.
You know what you need to do. And, reality check: it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. You could have wings & a halo. That girl is going to hate you no matter what, because YOU ARE A CONVENIENT SCAPE GOAT.
She doesn't hate you b/c of your daughter. That's a convenient excuse.
Trust your intuition and do not let her cross the threshhold. And maybe bitch-slap your DH back to reality.
Jeebus.
Calmly and rationally explain
Calmly and rationally explain to your SO the cons of letting SD into your home. Notice I did not say PROS and cons, you want him to realize there are no pros.
Being rational always worked better for me than being emotional. We all want to scream, "Hell no!" and I have (words and emotion just spill out of me constantly) but it makes them defensive.
I always made it NOT about what I wanted (or didn't want). After the initial emotional outburst, that is.
It's not good for the other kids, it's not for good SD in the long run, it could end up destroying what relationship you do have with her, blah, blah, blah. I know, it sounds manipulative but at least it is all true.
Well he is going over there
Well he is going over there today at 2pm. They were texting most of yesterday. I wanted to puke. I love you daddy. I love you too daughter. This is what she does when she wants shit to go her way. It's all a big game. I decided last night that under no circumstances is she coming into our home. I just can't let it happen. He acts weird around me when she is here (we are just friends) and yesterday I noticed that because he had been texting her all day he was reserved towards me and barely speaking to me and kinda being cold towards me. I just am not having that. I am his SO not another woman. And that makes me want to vomit every time I feel like I am being treated like the other woman.
I am kinda pist off over the fact that all of this is about me. When I have NOT done anything to warrant the attitude or hate. I haven't even had a chance to screw anything up. I haven't even had the chance to show her who I am. So this dislike and disgust over me is just pissing me off more and more. And the fact that he HIDES everything she says (the excuses) about not liking me is even more angering. I'm a BIG GIRL I can take what ever BS she thinks is her reasons. I can tell when BM texts him about me or what SD17 has said he will tell me halfs of it but never exactly what the issue is. He just runs around the same damn bush every time. I get fired up thinking that.
I'm sure today she will say everything he wants to hear and he will come back with she wants to try. And she said you never speak to her. That you don't aknowledge that she is in the room or that she is around. That YOU won't look at her BLA BLA BLA. Well yea I don't do ANY of that because I am DONE with her. If I look at her I might just freaken attack her. So it's best for her safety that I don't look at her. It's best for me to just do what ever I'm doing without the brat.
As much as SO says he doesn't want her ruining our relationship or stirring up conflict in our home there is part of me that sees that he will always cave when she says all the "right" things especially if she uses some bible quotes on him. Boy when she does that he is done. Yep she has changed. Can't you see it..... OMGOSH are you kidding me right now? How many times has this game played out..... I'm so tapped out on this. Today I'm just angry.
And you are right just tired. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do she will hate no matter what. And honestly as long as I'm not doing anything to work on it then that's fine with me. I'm not putting any effort into this drama box. And when BM calls 4 to 6 times because she has some emergency and he fails to ignore her calls he is going to get the wrath from me on my end. He needs to make a choice. That's how I feel today. He is divorced. We have the kids. She has no reason to light up his phone. And every time she has it's been to belittle him as a parent.
I'm just done. He convinced me a few weeks ago he was going to try and going to do what was best for everyone because he could tell I was disengaging from it all so I gave in and went back to the normal me where I engage with him etc. But with all this anger I feel it's just not healthy for me anymore. I have two kids that I can put my efforts into. And that should be the focus.
I feel for you...I too am
I feel for you...I too am going through the EXACT same thing......It's ridiculous. I've been with my DH for nearly 9 years now, and trust me, it DOESN'T get better. SD's just become older and wiser at manipulating and making you out to be the crazy, vindictive, jealous one. It's easy for them to do so considering we're in a role (step-mom to a manipulative brat) that most people don't experience, however, everyone is a child and can relate to that role. It typically starts out with the BM behind the scene, poisoning SD against the family, but eventually the SD becomes old enough to know better, but chooses not to do better. The excuse from DH, "Well look who she was raised by" or "That's her mother talking", or "I only get a limited amount of time with her and I don't want to spend it correcting her or telling her no", etc., etc., eventually becomes like nails on a chalkboard (very similar to when you hear SD's name") and you'd rather stick a fork in your eye than hear one more stinkin' excuse for SD's deplorable behavior. Or like when you question DH's very drastically different treatment between his BD and my BD's and the answer you get is, "That's different" or "Everything doesn't have to be fair" or "I only get my daughter once a year" and you just want to scream at the top of your lungs that it doesn't matter, all children should be treated fairly...not necessarily equally, but absolutely fairly. Rules should apply across the board.
Sadly, I finally found a man that I could have spent the rest of my life with (has personal flaws,much like myself, but nothing that couldn't be tolerated); however, my SD has manipulated the situation so badly, I don't even WANT to try anymore. I'm just over it. I no longer look at it as her winning, I look at it as me regaining my self-worth and dignity and I win! I can't say it was a mistake though, because I DID learn a very valuable lesson through it. I will NEVER and repeat NEVER be with a man that has a daughter from a previous relationship, EVER, unless the BM is dead! It would have to be a man with no children or a man with a son. Not that I speak from experience, but boys typically don't compete for their fathers attention the same way girls do. My current SD acts like she's the wife and competes in every way, including sexuality, which totally grosses me out. Not only because she does it, but more importantly because DH goes with it and doesn't set boundaries.
Anyway, I won't shove too much about me in this post, however, my best advice is to either accept it for what it is or get out. There's really no in between. There's no changing him or her. He parents out of guilt and fear and she manipulates out of selfishness. If you try disengaging, it won't work. Eventually DH will take this to mean you don't care about his child, you're being the immature one,etc.....or you will resent always having to make yourself scarce in your own home in order to keep the peace. Plus with you not around, it's much easier for SD to manipulate and use. DH no longer has a brain (meaning you) to give him a gauge on expectations, boundaries, correct parenting skills,etc. Then before you know it, SD has his car keys, debit card, credit card, his secret hiding spot of his change, and he's spent every dime and every spare minute on SD and you won't have a right to say anything, because you disengaged. SD will get bored with it, start snapping at him that he's spending too much time with her and she needs her space (yada, yada, yada) because there's no longer any thrill to manipulating a man that already gives her every thing. Then she'll stop spending as much time with him and start hanging out with her friends and doing her own thing again, then DH will get lonely, will feel like it's "safe" to want you to "hang" with you again and will want you to forgive him for being such an ass. Then SD will catch wind of it and the cycle will start all over again. Then the anger and resentment just fills up inside, we lose control, again look like the idiot because we're not as good at manipulating and "appearing" to be the innocent one, etc., etc., etc.,
I hope you understand my message. Basically, if their relationship is built on guilt and fear on his end, and money and convenience on her end, it's just simply not going to change. DH feels that no matter what it takes, he has to "make it up to her" in order that she won't "hate him" or not want to come see him. And SD feels that he owes her the world just because she's part of his DNA and that NOTHING else should be as important as her. And no matter what DH tells you, actions speak soooooooooooooooo much louder than words.
I feel very sorry for all of us who are tangled up in this situation. Although it sucks to admit we can't make it better, it's more important to keep our self-worth, our dignity, and stay true to who we are as partners and mothers of our own children. It should be a written law that a divorced man with a daughter, cannot date unless he takes an extensive, "how-to" course on how to be a parent and not a wallet or doormat to his SD/BM and has to demonstrate that somehow. And upon successful demonstration, would be given a license to date again....only in a perfect world.
Take care and I wish you all the best.
I copy and pasted your reply
I copy and pasted your reply and sent it via email to my SO. I think you hit it exactly right on.... Sometimes I think he thinks I am just over reacting to everything. I think hearing somebody else validate how I'm feeling just might help him a tiny little itty bitty bit....... even if for just a moment in time.
Seriously, I want my SO to
Seriously, I want my SO to read this. It feels like you were reading from my life. I feel like I love my SO so much and I can feel we are starting to get a little distant bc I completely shut down when SD15 is around. He is exactly what you said, a wallet and a doormat to SD and BM. Thanks for posting
Mammyack...... I read your
Mammyack...... I read your words and I feel i my heart this to be so true. I see things never changing other then for a moment..... when he feels like he wants me to shut up.
WOW... So similar to what I'm
WOW... So similar to what I'm going through its crazy. I think the storybooks should have been about the evil teenage Sd's, not the SM.
I think a SS16 would be
I think a SS16 would be better than an SD16. Totally agree with that assessment. but you know what it's the limp dads that need their heads read.
Why should this be happening? Every time I read SD12 through SD55 on this site I know there is a sad story coming.
I have a BS4. He is a fabulous boy but he is rewarded and disciplined normally. My job is to raise him as a strong independent person with a good attitude to the world. I don't want him to need me as a best mate. I don't want to hand him life on a plate and lots of money to go with it. How come I am tough but fair with my child but my DH is only just cottoning on to how to begin to parent a 16 year old far far far too late? Why did he think he could manage a manipulative spoilt 13 year old girl 50% of her life when her mother had been her stay at home primary carer?
I read this post and felt so bad for you. they sound full on your father and daughter team.
Hang in there. Enjoy your daughter and her little one.
Switch off to the rest. Hard but the only way. Tell your daughter to stay away from her.
I married my DH when my SS
I married my DH when my SS was 12 and SD 14, I have no biokids of my own, SS has always been polite, yes a slob, but nothing different from all teenage boys. SD after 3 yrs still has never spoken directly to me, she refers to me (when FORCED to ) as 'HER'.
SD is a 'pig' about her personal habits and eating (300lbs.) Between the two kids I spend every weekend at some assinine baseball tournament or softball, in fall/winter it's wrestling 3x a week and every weekend, my entire life revolves around these kids and I am just the invisible / yet hated woman that kept their daddy from coming back to them. Every second I spend rotting away at one of their activities I view as wasted time I will never get back, I have such anger for my DH for thinking that my life should be full and happy revolving around a fat sullen bitchy brat that needs to grow the F**k up, (she still calls him daddy and wants to be his 'only girl' doesn't want me around, has pulled rotten stunts to try and destroy our relationship and is just an ugly ugly waste of space. I will admit that I have had daily fantasies about her dying in a car crash or other random tragedy (I know, I have issues)
I have learned to utilize my own manipulative skills when it comes to DH, I never critisize the pigchild, I always tell DH how bad I feel for her and how I want to do more for her, I always make sure that I am in the position of the 'better person' and everytime she has tried to pull one of her freakin stunts I have parlayed it into him getting more and more sick of HER. I played this card with BM's constant BS too. If we are to survive this living hell as a couple I have to internalize so much black bitter anger and frustration that it has taken it's toll on me as a person, it has changed my personality and I realize I have become a much more negative person, on the surface my DH doesn't notice so far as I can tell. I truly am in love with my DH but at my age 46, I wonder if any of it is worth it, if my marriage ends I will never, ever, never get with a guy again that has children. If you are in a similiar situation and not yet married, RUN....
Have I mentioned I HATE my SD
~ just home sharpening knives ~
I think that Wednesday Martin
I think that Wednesday Martin the author of Stepmonster is organizing courses for fathers who want to learn.
I agree with everything that mammyack said. I donot think it applies only to divorced fathers but also to those who had a 6 month relationship and the woman decided that he is a hard working guy and she as a high school drop out can get pregnant and marry him just because... The guilt in these situations in tremendous and overwhelming to some of these men who feel that they should die alone because they never married the high school drop out and did right by her and the child.
I have been through the hell that mammyrack describes and had to leave or I would have gone crazy .My ex fiancee even told me that I should learn how to manipulate him better?! I preferred the honest , upfront , calm conversation at the dinner table when something needed to be addressed. I guess he was telling me that his daughter outwitted me :). At hindsight I am happy she did because now I know what I do not want in a man. Being with him was a crash course in relationships.
Every human being carries a light inside of their hearts. When this light - dignity, self- worth is being consistently stepped over and neglected the light starts to dim and we lose our inner guidance and strength.
When we honor the light we beam love and affection.Most of these men are initially drawn to our light and the more we beam it the more love and affection they receive and feel. However , if the light is not nurtured and receives light and love back it starts to dim and fade away. When we give away our light to nurture and love our men and their children but feel more and more empty inside that is a sign that their love is conditional upon us giving and not receiving. Then we start being angry , doubting whether we want children, not sure whether we like children anymore, fill ourselves with resentment and fear of the SDs. Eventually we start mirroring what our men are doing : mainly operating from fear and not love. Once we are at that point we have the free will do decide for ourselves. It is not about right or wrong or good or bad.It is about our soul speaking to us.
Most of these men do not have an inner compass and cannot find the light in themselves. Instead of being the channel through which our light can shine they poke so many holes in their channel that our light fades and dissipates. That is the moment when they start trying to patch up the holes by looking for light in their daughters and oscillate between our light and their light. They are not realizing that they have their own inner light - if only they make the choice to do the work and find it. Then they will be able to appreciate our love for them at a deeper level. Until then they will fool themselves with temporary substitute for the real thing but will never truly get it!