short conversation with DS12
short background: SD12 is full of attitude, after many years of dealing with it, i capmpletely diseangaged about 6-7 months ago, DH is doing hte best he can, she hates me for it but the attitude remains although more controlled since we have very little interaction that could light a spark.
DH is on a trip for work and SD is alone with me and the rest of our family.
she asked me to take her to a playdate tomorrow to a friend's house that is not too close to our house, i start thinking out loud about hte things that i have to do and how it will fit in our day and i figure that is possible if i bend a little that way and i hurry a little thsi way 
so i say:
"yes, SD I could take you and pick you up"
SD says nothing for a while
i say "you have been forgetting your thank yous lately, and you know how important they are in our house
SD "hmmmhh"
i said kind of friendly and joking "so, you are welcome for arranging your playdate in a busy day"
SD said nothing and continue to move about the kitchen
after a minute of two i said " im sorry SD but i will not be able to take you tomorrow, you made a choice by not thanking me on purpose and as a consecuence I made a choice as well.
sorry. you were rude and im not at your service.
she was pissed but didnt show it
sounds perfect to me
sounds perfect to me
do you really ,for a second,
do you really ,for a second, think that the "clear conversation" you propose was not had 100 times before?!?!!?
one gets to these unconfortable conversations -that might sounds like games- after trying hte normal educational conversations for many YEARS. it just doesnt work. SD12 KNOWS perfectly well what is expected of her, it is her choice to not do it...Dear Kayro, do you have an SD?
Totally agree Dahlia. My DD19
Totally agree Dahlia. My DD19 got quite a smartmouth as a young teen, one night I said after she smarted me, "DD, the ride I was giving you tomorrow is off the table until you apologize." Half an hour later she comes and sits next to me on the couch and give me a really nice hug. Of course I melted, but stood my ground. "DD, that's a lovely hug but I still need an apology- WITH eye contact." Finally got it.
i agree, at 12 yr old they
i agree, at 12 yr old they know their manners and if they don't use it, then i wouldnt do anything for them. Im sorry i would want my own child to use manners, so they should be expected to too!