SMs of teenagers who have been temped to call it a day, advice please.
I've been SM to two girls for the last 9 years, they are 16 & 14. They are difficult and high maintenance girls, but I struggled on through bad times thinking "it can't get much worse, maybe it will get better", but it isn't. Plus there is a long running battle going on to try to persuade me and DH to have SD16 to live with us, as she has been fighting with her mum all summer. Don't all 16 year old girls?
We have pushed back on this and DH has responded well to me threatening to walk out if either girl moves in with us permanently. I signed up for EOW ONLY - he accepts this and says it won't happen. I feel he underestimates the manipulative abilities of BM to get what she wants. I love DH very much, but if it were to happen, I WILL leave.
It has never got any easier over the years, EOW I count the hours till they go home, I disengaged about 12 months after I met them, but I hate them being in my home. I compare them to my bios who are much older. They is always some drama going on with them and the BM. I am so TIRED of it all, tired of having to be assertive with DH to get my opinion taken account of. Tired of trying to coach him how to deal with them and the BM. (He grew up in boarding school so little experience of family life).
Does it get easier when they go to college/leave home. Should I seriously be considering leaving? When they are not with us my DH and I get on fine.
Yeah, there's a reason SD16
Yeah, there's a reason SD16 is fighting with her mom and if she moves in with you I can guarantee she will be fighting with you as well and make your life miserable. If DH doesn't have much of a backbone on his own, then no it probably won't get any easier then they go to college/leave home. If they don't go to college, you can pretty much guarantee they will be living with you or biomom for some time. Or, Biomom will grow tired of her shit and kick her out, and your DH will feel "guilty" and let one of them move in.
I can completely understand that you are fed up after 9 years and are contemplating leaving. I've only been a stepdad for 4 years and I have thought about leaving A LOT this past year. My situation is just like yours. When the SKIDS aren't around, we have the most wonderful marriage on earth. As soon as one of them is in our house for any extended amount of time, you can cut the tension in the house with a knife. My only advice is if you threaten to leave, you have to be prepared to follow through or the threat is meaningless.
Thanks for your reply -
Thanks for your reply - that's a good bit of insight about her fighting with us as much as she is with her mum - I told DH that (not that someone on Steptalk had said it!) and he thought that was probably likely. After blogging about the horrible spectre of one of them moving in, I got some really insightful replies, one in particular, which made me feel that this was perhaps not quite as likely as I'd thought, because actually in his heart, DH does not want his children living here either. It is just simpler to say they can't come here because of me.
I totally take your point about following through on threats - I would only ever make one once - and then do it. In fact, when I left my first marriage, I didn't even bother giving my ex an ultimatum, because I knew it would be pointless. He was very, very shocked and surprised when I left, but shouldn't have been, after 10 years of treating me like shit.