soo I'm getting what I asked for and now I'm just sick to my stomach over it
Well the skids are coming at the end of this month. And they are staying where WE live. There will be no running to SO mother's house with them. I am proud of him for stepping up and understanding that if things don't change I'm outta here. HOWEVER....... now I will have to actually DEAL with this SD16 in MY home. Meaning her attitude is going to be in my face for their entire visit! After the craziness of a couple weekends ago. I am seriously am in fear of my sanity. And my son's. But I know this is something I have to try as I am the one who threw a fit about them not staying in our home when they come for visits. My nerves are shot. I am already stewing about how she leaves all her crap everywhere at his mother's. How the bathroom is absolutely disgusting and she has no regard for privacy regarding anybody's things. INCLUDING her own. Take for instance her thong underwear which she leaves ALL OVER THE PLACE (dirty)! Not to mention how she talks to her father. Shall I say SCREAMS at him. Do I have the right to tell her that in my house I'm not tolerating that behavior? Or am I ignoring her all together? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! I am so excited for the boys. Our three boys have a great time together. It's all her and her attitude and her this is my daddy BS. I bought a lock for my bedroom door. Because the few times I have stayed over at his mom's when they have visited she just walks in anytime she pleases. And that simply will NOT do!
I am already feeling sick to my stomach. Ladies advice. I know if I cater to her a$$ it will get me nowhere so I have NO intentions on doing anything to make it go smoothly like kiss her a$$. I just can't do it. I refuse.
You don't have to kiss her
You don't have to kiss her ass. Just set the boundaries from the begininng and stick to them. You will be the bitch in this scenario no matter what happens, so you might as well get the boundaries and rules you want from the begininng. Prepare for fall out, but stick to your guns...
Maybe a list of rules that they can refer to on the fridge. DH wanted no part of them, but they were easy ones and I put it up anyway. They never even read them. But, putting them on paper helped me know what were the rules that I had to have in place. Made me realize when they broke them and to point it out to DH....
Why can't they keep going to
Why can't they keep going to SO mom's? Is she tired of them?
She is not tired of them. I
She is not tired of them. I do not believe we will ever move foward until we all are under one roof and they see him and I as a unit. He can't keep packing up all his crap and going to his mom's every time they come to visit him. That seems to me that he takes his family 40 miles from what we are trying to accomplish and that's "our" family. I am not in a relationship for it to be my kids, my family then him and his kids and his family. I'm just too old for that, this girl needs to see that no matter how many tantrums she throws or how many glares or undercuts towards me that her father and I are living together. We are under one roof now. Like it or not this is how it is going to be. For all of us.... like it or not lol including me.
As the above say..... In this
As the above say.....
In this house you will need to understand the rules.....which we all abide by and help each other to enforce...
That being said....she is a girl and girls need a few extra special things....like more privacy...and the boys need to respect this....
I have a BIO daughter who is 17 and whilst my DH and me were out for lunch the skids and my son 14 were making an absolute mess for my BD17 to clean up as she was cooking her vegan food and they were not helping to keep the benches clean....
I spoke to my BD and said if this happens again...all the boys can pay you money for cleaning up their mess....and so a sign hangs in the kitchen.
I would suggest you take her shopping and get some nice panties bra's etc for her....and so she will feel more attached to you...as you are the only gals in the house and you need to stick together....
But if their is any screaming at her father and acting like she is a spoilt brat.....take the panties and bras back
also....tell her when you are shopping that you would like to get her a TV for her room or computer or ipod....something but say, if you can show us how wonderful you are or your school grades improve or what ever...then we will buy these little things for you...maybe a new dress....but she has to show you how she can be nice first....
I guess what Im saying (i dont have step daughters....) but I have been one....and nothing got to me better than the dangle of clothes, boots, bikini's cell phones etc....my whole attitude would change....
and if she starts getting all hoittie coiiitte with your DH....get rid of the bitch....back to where she came from....
I took her shopping over the
I took her shopping over the summer. We spent much time together over the summer. Shopping, one family vacation where BD had me take her and he took the boys because of all the fighting. I thought that I made a connection with her. Not so much. I took her and we got unders and new flip flops and various other things. When we came back the snarling started all over again. The ignoring the acting like I didn't exist the just me and my dad can go or is SHE staying here..... etc. I could go on and on. Let me say this. My own daughter graduated and left home this year and I have been heartbroken so I was so excited over the summer that SD16 was coming for the three months. I had all these wonderful visions in my head. And what I got was a selfish brat who refused to even give me a chance. A brat who when her and her father argued flat told me if he was mad at me and MY daughter then he shouldn't take it out on her and that he was going to break up with me and she was SO SO SO sorry.
She has an Ipod and a tv and all the things a girl could want at her mothers. I know that buying her won't do any good. We have told her when she gets her grades up then things could change regarding what she can bring when she comes to visit.
I hate the idea of bribing
I hate the idea of bribing with clothes, etc. I did it for SD when I thought she liked me. Now I feel like a chump having been used when all she wanted was to live with BM. Live and learn...
I just hate to see the OP get set up. This girl already sounds like a discipline problem...
IMO - You should do a few
IMO - You should do a few things.
First, like I posted on a thread just a moment ago - treat her as if she is a house guest that has to abide by the house rules. Be curtious, but disengaged.
Second, whatever she leaves behind in her path put it where she sleeps. Cans, trash, panties, bras, closthes, dirty dishes, etc. Just pile it up! If she has any sort of brain she'll figure it out.
Third, DONT let her see she gets to you. Skids smell fear and feed off of it! Stay calm, cool & use your room/bathroom/laundry room/wherever to get a few moments peace & re-collect yourself before having to communicate with her if need be.
Lastly, if the boys are great focus your time on having a fun time with them and just act as if she isn't there.
OH thats a wonderful idea.
OH thats a wonderful idea. THANK YOU! When my daughter use to leave things everywhere I just put it in big giant trash bags. When she ran out of things she couldn't figure out where they went. I let her go without for a few weeks. Then gave her back the bags with all the things in it she had left around the house. My daughter learned. But I wasn't sure if that was something I could do with his. I like the put it where she sleeps idea. I can already see my bathroom and what she is going to do to it. ugh.......
Every time we go the 6hrs to there BM's to see them. I engage in everything I can with the boys. I dont aknowledge her at all. The last time we went there she refused to speak to me. So I thought well that's fine I'm good with that! Then she had the nerve to ask to use my perfume after being around me for two days and NOT speaking.... I laughed inside thinking when hell freezes over!
Your house - your rules plain
Your house - your rules plain and simple if they are not followed bye bye SD -
I am sort of in your spot.
I am sort of in your spot. SS13 does not visit in our home-lives with my inlaws. We are in a sort of limbo with nothing moving forward and I also feel in order to move forward we must at least try to have ss visit in our home and for all of us to try and function as a family and for dh to parent appropriately. That is my logical brain speaking. My heart is saying, "Hell, no-let him stay as far away as possible and never darken my doorstep". We have had some serious issues that have never been resolved as noone seems invested in actually doing the work of resolving them.
My dh is pushing for visits in our home and i've told him as soon as we can as in he and I can sit down and prepare a list of rules and decide how we are going to be a united front-we can then sit down with ss and discuss these with him. If he does not agree with them-he does not have to stay and we will table the idea of visits-if he does agree to them then he will be held to them to a T-even if I have to do it myself. I am also insisting the rules be written for my dh-so HE knows what he is agreeing to and will have a harder time back pedaling. Then my dh must also have a discussion with MIL-in order to get her to back off so that he can regain some of the parental authority.
I would absolutely not ignore her transgressions. I know that so many preach disengagement and I think you can do this to a degree-as in not allow yourself to be personally offended if she is a biatch and to let dh concern himself about her future, BUT I dont think you should disengage with the family rules-you have kids in this household as well-if there is a situation that occurs that is not made clear in the rules, discuss it with your dh first, but otherwise if you write it down first everyone already knows what the rules and consequences are so I would not hesitate to call her out on it. If you let things slide she will think she can get away with it.
Rules on the Fridge. Respect
Rules on the Fridge. Respect and no Screaming at any one needs to be at top. You may include the kids in the rule making. Maybe start with theres so many of us in the house at one time lets all have a say so in the rules and also what punishment that is going to take play if it happens.Once you set them you have to inforce them.I would have been a terriable stepdaughter. I was so rebellious. Pick you fights. If it would take you five minutes to do it don't fight with them for 2 hours. I did that with my oldest BD. It may be a good time for you to plan to got do things by yourself or with your kids. Then that way she still has time alone with her Dad. At her age she probably doesn't want that either. LOL. Good Luck Girl.
So I have another question.
So I have another question. Right now there are really no rules in place in my home. My son knows his role. He knows what is expected. How is it going to look when I go to DH and tell him before they get here we need to make the ground rules? Will he be on the defensive side and think I am being the wretched step mother as so many have labeled us? I am certainly not trying to be that way. But I believe this girl needs the rope brought in. And the yelling and screaming at her father is no longer tolerated and she will not get her way with that attitude. He did tell me last night that if she could not behave for this visit then WE will tell her until she can be respectful and be appropriate she can't come back. I was proud of him. He is understanding every day just a little bit more of the situation we are in and the one I am in.