Which Choice Should I Make?

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After the whole wedding debacle with SD's choice of attire (despite instruction to her and her mother) i am now facing a dilemma.

Last year as a father's day gift (honeymoon phase!) I offered to take SD and her dad for a pro photo shoot to get some nice shots of them together (at the time BM was also refusing to give him photos of SD that he was entitled to per the divorce decree). Long story short, BM dicked around with us and refused us SD last summer on a day the photog could do it.

We now have a date for this summer. However, ive since decided its not going to be just them but ill be in some too.

I refuse to pay for the shoot ($400)if she isnt dressed properly. So here are my choices:

1. Cancel the shoot (which will piss off my fiance because he thinks im being nit picky)

2. Speak to SD myself and tell her if she doesnt wear appropriate attire she will not be going on the shoot with us. I will make it clear that im in charge on this one as its my money. She may listen to me because she knows i dont F around. Since we will be picking her up together to go straight there i have no problem telling her to go back inside and the drive off.

3. Break down and take her shopping for something appropriate (which neither of us wants to do because fiance refuses to buy her clothes because he pays more than enough in CS).

What do you all advise?

according to the parenting

according to the parenting plan, she is to come to our house with all of the necessary items for the weekend. i do not think my fiance was out of line at all to say "hey, we have a wedding this weekend, please make sure that SD packs a dress appropriate for a wedding". BM of course could have said "she doesnt have anything, you will have to buy something". but she didnt.

if SD lived with us full time i would never send her to her mother's without the necessary items. but the kid is also 13 and she herself was told directly what to wear and should have followed directions.

i disagree. BM is given

i disagree. BM is given more than enough money to buy her clothes.

i know of at least one dress the kid has that IS appropriate that i did buy for a funeral because SD told me she didnt have anything black to wear. we've also seen pictures of her online in dresses that would have been appropriate. she and BM purposely chose something casual and slutty.

are you my mother's age?

are you my mother's age? everyone wears black to evening weddings in our area.

I bought my mom a black lace

I bought my mom a black lace dress for MY wedding. I thought she looked GREAT. MIL however, decided she would wear white. Fucking NERVE.

"back in the day" it used to

"back in the day" it used to be you never wore black or red.
today many seem to think wearing white is ok but i still no-no that one.

Exactly! We struggled with BM

Exactly! We struggled with BM with this kind of thing for years when SD15 lived with BM. BM got more than enough child support to buy clothing. It wasn't even an issue of events...but just of normal, everyday clothing! BM would always send SD15 with clothing that no longer fit her for the weekend.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect the BM to send SD with something that was wearable to a wedding. We aren't talking about a formal dress here. There was ONE main request made...something that didn't show bra straps! You can't tell me that the girl doesn't at the very least have a cute top/skirt combo in her closet she could have brought rather than that thing that sounds more like it was a beach cover-up!

It is a power play. The

It is a power play. The reason BMs do this over and over and over again is because they want to completely deplete the other parents pocket. It is the only power they have. They can't get the man back, another woman has him and now she has their kid too and is probably being a better stepmom than they are, so what's a bitch to do? Play money games.
Which is why we need to be smarter. It was ALWAYS obvious when SD13 was with her father, because SD13 would arrive back at BMs house looking well groomed, nails trim & clean, hair combed and clean, clothes ironed and clean. It would PISS her off something fierce because it was OBVIOUS who was taking better care of the kid.

we indirectly buy the clothes

we indirectly buy the clothes to the tune of $1350/mo in CS.

its meant to cover anything

its meant to cover anything SD needs to live her life.

among other things: Basic

among other things:

Basic Necessities -- Food, Clothing, Shelter

Obviously, children need food, proper clothing, and a safe and comfortable place to live. At a minimum, child support may be used to purchase groceries, snacks, beverages, and other food items. It may also be used to purchase shoes, jackets, and appropriate clothing. Also, child support may be used to pay for the child's related shelter costs, such as mortgage or rent, lighting, telephone, and utility bills.
- See more at: http://family.findlaw.com/child-support/what-does-child-support-cover.ht...

You miss that in neither case

You miss that in neither case is the OP asking for special event clothing! If you had read the other post, for the wedding the main request was that SD bring something to wear that did not have bra straps showing. Now, I know most school dress codes do not allow bra straps showing, so you can't tell me that the girl does not have something more appropriate in her closet to wear! If SD brought a cute floral skirt and t-shirt type outfit that is pretty big with teen girls these days (see it at Forever21 and H&M and stuff), OP would not have really been all that upset. But what the girl brought for the wedding was basically a beach cover-up!

And that is all OP is asking for with regards to the picture...wear something that isn't slutty or looks it should only be worn with a bathing suit or to sleep in! She isn't asking for special event clothing...she is only asking for non-slutty, neat clothing...basically the same kind of clothing the school would expect the girl to show up in!

for the record my FIANCE not

for the record my FIANCE not ME is the one who refuses to spend a dime on this kid beyond the CS. taht is why for the funeral I was the one who used MY money to get the kid a dress and shoes.

Doesn't it suck royally to

Doesn't it suck royally to have to deal with such petty CRAP on a daily basis? I feel you sista.

but it was an activity for

but it was an activity for her daughter. it was a relative of the daughter. it was not a friend's wedding that we decided to take her to, or a party we took her to that was for our benefit.

i understand we still pay

i understand we still pay until 19 (or 23 if college, btu she probably wont go) - but at 18 she will most likely stop visiting. she only comes now because she's forced under the CO.

gee, we have a pool and SD

gee, we have a pool and SD always seems to come with a bathing suit when we say 'bring a bathing suit'?

The way we resolved that

The way we resolved that issue is we keep nice "going out" attire at our house that WE buy with our own money. BM sends SD13 with the dingiest, ill fitting clothes and ONLY sends ONE outfit for the entire weekend.
Yes, a NORMAL, non-conflict mother, would probably send a cute outfit if asked, but most of these women are not non-conflict. So why get all worked up?
However, I would NOT pay $400.00 for a photo shoot. Take pics with a regular camera and use all the cool filters online to make them photo shoot worthy.

I don't think it's

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for something nice to be packed. if they told you she didn't have anything that fit, then it would be reasonable for you to shop for it. Children grow so quickly that buying too many clothes is a waste of money. Intential acts of ingnorance are something we shouldn't support on this form. No one is asking BM to take SD out for a crazy shopping trip to buy something special for BD events. It was simply requested to pack something.....anything appropriate. The correct response should have been she doesn't have anything so you'll need to shop. Instead the attempt to make the SD look bad at the event is what BM did.

I'm a BM and SM, and I would never send my BD or BS to their fathers knowing they were attending a special event without appropriate clothing. I wouldn't want to be embarrased or embarrass my child. If they didn't have something nice because of growing too quickly then I would have told my ex he'll need to plan shopping time in his weekend. But then again, I'm not trying to be a bitch.

exactly. and again, this is

exactly. and again, this is what happened with the funeral. the kid said she didnt have anything so i spent nearly $100 of my own money to get her a dress and shoes (that i now really regret not having left at our house).

we expected this to be the case this time but SD13 was totally defiant and her mother allowed and encouraged it.

$100.00 on a dress and shoes?

$100.00 on a dress and shoes? Girlfriend, hit Marshall's & TJ Maxx. I have been known to completely outfit SD13 from HEAD TO TOE, including underwear, bra and shoes for less than $50.00, and believe me, I am QUITE the snob so I make sure she always looks BEAUTIFUL when she's on my watch.

the shoes are what put us

the shoes are what put us over, the dress was from Kohls. and it was 11th hour that we were told. the item was bought the morning of the wake and she did wear the same dress and shoes to both wake and funeral. the $100 wasnt that much to us.

that's honestly what im

that's honestly what im leaning towards. if this had happened last summer when it was supposed to, we would not have had this problem. i agreed to do this when SD was acting normal. she has done a total 180 in the past year.

in some ways i think our

in some ways i think our frustration is more with SD. she was told what to bring. and further, she is at the mall 1-2 times per week buying clothes. her mother gets her whatever she asks for. all she had to do was say "mom i need this dress" and it would have been bought. BM does not use the money to live on, its free and clear SD's to spend.

Calypso, you have to

Calypso, you have to understand that most of these Skids are trained to do as BM wishes. We too have told SD13 to pack her own bag and when she does, BM takes everything out and puts in something else. At this point, we have given up.
I personally, would be incapable of sending my teen to his Bio Dad's house with anything less than a perfectly packed bag. For me, it is a sense of pride, showing my exH that without A RED CENT of CS, my son does NOT do without.
Too bad most of these bitches don't think that way.

that's how i see it. this kid

that's how i see it.
this kid was an embarrassment in terms of her appearance. all of the other young ladies and the adult women had nice dresses on. she stuck out like a sore thumb.

Sorry to say it, but if Skid

Sorry to say it, but if Skid was on YOUR/DH watch, your/DH weekend, your/DH time, then YOU/DH should have made sure that SHE looked the bomb.com while she was with you/DH.
Total fail on your part there. I would never let my Skids look like shit while they are out with me/DH, that is a reflection of ME/DH while they are with ME/DH.

we've obviously learned our

we've obviously learned our lesson. not much we could do when she gets picked up at 8, lies and says she has an appropriate dress, comes out of her room at 9:30 in appropriately dressed, and we have to leave at 9:40.

unfreaking, i agree with you. some here say its her parents problem/embarrassment but i feel its a refletion on me as well particularly when its a situation where people might not know she's my SD but rather think she's my D.

it was an 1130a.m ceremony,

it was an 1130a.m ceremony, evening reception.
i suppose we could have gone shopping in between but i was honestly too angry and annoyed to deal with it.

Calypso, at the end of the

Calypso, at the end of the day, whether we love it, like it, or not, we have taken on the role of step-moms to these kids. We have to be the bigger person and when it comes to petty shit like "decent" attire for an event on OUR time, we need to bite the bullet and do what we have to do. I am a clearance rack whore and I have been able to find GORGEOUS outfits for SD for as low as $5.00! A pair of cute shoes for $20.00, she has beautiful waist length hair that all I have to do is wash & blow dry and she looks like a million bucks. It also warms my heart when I catch her taking full body selfies of her outfits because I know she's happy with how she looks. It goes a long way.

well actually i asked if i

well actually i asked if i should buy, cancel or tell her what to wear.

Buy her an outfit. Keep it at

Buy her an outfit. Keep it at home. Use it as many times as necessary, jazz it up with different pairs of shoes or a cute necklace. Stop stressing it, there are WAY bigger battles in SM world.

i see that...but it started

i see that...but it started in part because some people thought we had no right at all to ask for something appropriate to be packed.

that was the original plan

that was the original plan but now its also going to be photos of fiance and I, and probably some of the 3 of us.

$400 is actually a bargain in

$400 is actually a bargain in our area and it includes rights to all of the photos.

and actually SD said that she's excited about the shoot. that's why i think i might have a chance if i tell her what to do and tell her she's out if she doesnt follow directions. its somethign she wants to do AND she knows i dont screw around and i keep my word.

$400 for photos that will

$400 for photos that will look nice that i can proudly display in our home and send to family and friends? Totally worth it. $400 for pictures of a half dressed teen that will never see the light of day? Waste. that's why i asked how i should approach it.

Here is how it would work

Here is how it would work with me and my ex given the same situation:

Me: Ringing Bio-Dad
BD: answers phone
Me: Hi BD, I have scheduled a photo shoot for me and the kids. I was wondering if the kids have white dresses, or white skirt with shirts at your place that they can wear?
BD: Uh, I will check for you and get back to you.
Me: Ok Thanks!

Later...

Ringing phone
Me: Hello!
BM: Hi, kid1 has a white dress, but nothing for kid2. I will send kid1 with the dress.
Me: Oh thank you. I will take kid2 out to buy something appropriate then. Thanks again!

That... is how parents work together no matter who pays who child support. BD gives and takes, I give and take. We work together because we put the kids first.

My ex makes more money than I do and he pays me childsupport. But in this situation, if he and his SO had an event to go to, he would ask me if I had the clothes. He knows that I would provide what he needed. He knows that I will go out of my way to make our kids happy. If I didnt have the clothes, then HE would go buy it and BE PROUD that his kids are going to look amazing for their special day. He doesnt get hung up over the money because he knows that one day, when he needs me to do something (something that he should be responsible for) for our kids, I will be there and I will do it without complaint.

Not to come down on you, but it seems like you are letting a CS be a hang up! If its a special day for you, your DH and skid, then take the responsibility to make it a happy day! Dont ruin it over "who pays who for what".

I hope it all works out for you!

BM lives at home with her

BM lives at home with her parents in a house they pay for, driving a fully paid for, late model car courtesy of my fiance, and has zero debt and was given $40K cash at the time of divorce. she is not destitute.

lol, she does have a 1-2 pack

lol, she does have a 1-2 pack a day habit. and a nail salon/massage habit.

^^^^^HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!^^^^^^^^

I think a lot of people here

I think a lot of people here are missing the point because maybe they didn't read the other post. When the OP asks that SD wears something nice, I don't think she is demanding anyone go out and buy any "special event" clothing. What she is asking is that SD wear "appropriate" clothing...and by appropriate, she means that the clothing does not look slutty! For the wedding, she asked that SD wear something that does not show bra straps. SD showed up with this strapless thing that looked more like a beach cover-up than an actual dress (from the way I take it from the description), and bra straps were exposed. She did not bring something to put over the dress to cover the straps...a little sweater, jacket, etc. Now, if SD had brought a cute little skirt of a non-slutty length and a cute T to pair with it, OP probably wouldn't have been upset. Sure, it may have been more casual, but it wouldn't have been "hoochie"!

And I think that is all that OP is asking for here with regards to the picture! You know this girl has to have non-slutty clothing in her closet, as school dress codes would not allow the kind of stuff that OP has described this girl wears on the weekend! Even if SD wore jeans and a cute top, OP and her fiance could wear something that complemented that...make the pictures more causal. All she wants is for SD to not look like she just got off of work at the nearest strip club for the pictures! THAT is not unreasonable!

Calip you're way off base

Calip you're way off base here and looking for ways to create problems. If Daddy was taking her on a Antarctic expedition you would expect Mama to buy a Parka and everything else necessary to survive in 50 below zero climate?

Cancel this photo shoot as a bad idea. As others have repeatedly told you Daddy can take as many pictures as he wishes and even set up a posing area with a sheet in back or the fireplace. Using a digital camera he can shoot a thousand posed or candid shots for free and sort out the ones to keep.

YOU are in a power war with the mother and are bound to lose. Guaranteed.

Exactly! The girl has to have

Exactly! The girl has to have some jeans and a cute top in her closet! I mean, what does she wear to school?

I'm talking about jeans for

I'm talking about jeans for the picture in this situation. But, I'm in Texas...jeans to a wedding is usually acceptable.

But even with that said, I think anything non-slutty would have been a better option than the dress SD wore to the wedding.

My feeling, too! SD15 has a

My feeling, too! SD15 has a problem dressing appropriately. She will go to church with a skirt above mid-thigh and a low v-neck tight shirt where the "girls" look like they will make an appearance at any moment, and I'm just thinking, "Please, just go put on jeans and a band shirt or something...ANYTHING...that covers more skin than that!"

LadyFace - as I said to the

LadyFace - as I said to the OP before, if BM was NORMAL, non-conflict and actually GAVE a crap, maybe OP could expect some sort of civility, but clearly BMs definition of appropriate attire is not in line with the OP's. So the only thing left to do is to handle it herself. Our BM sent SD to a 7 day Caribbean vacation with out a STITCH of clothing. Not even ONE pair of underwear. We were responsible for the entire thing down to getting SD a passport. That's just vindictive, spiteful and disgusting in my opinion.

It is VERY upsetting! I threw

It is VERY upsetting! I threw tantrums for YEARS about SD showing up at our house with RAGS and pants so short that she looked as if she was going out to dig clams! I'll never forget the day we picked up SD who at the time was less than a year old, we had plans to go to Ikea that day straight after picking her up.

We spent the ENTIRE day at Ikea and were MILES away from home. When I went to take SD to the bathroom to change her diaper, lo and behold. NOT ONE FUCKING DIAPER IN HER BAG! No wipes, no extra clothes, NOTHING!! Who sends their little girl out like that?!?!? SD had taken a massive SHIT all over herself, I had to bathe her in the bathroom sink, buy a towel in Ikea, and WRAP her bottom half in that towel. We had to leave the store and jet home. It was such an eye opener for me. It was sad and bizarre at the same time. I would be incapable of doing such a thing.

thats abuse. shame on BM.

It's only ONE of the long

It's only ONE of the long list of FUCKED up stories I have dealing with that crazy bitch for the last almost 14 years.

tommar - it was really bad.

tommar - it was really bad. It was the middle of winter. FREEZING outside and I had the kid wrapped in a towel. I ripped that bitch a new one, I sent her a note telling her how proud she should be of herself and that maybe I should have let her daughter sit in shit for the whole weekend. Her response? "That's her father's responsibility. I don't have to provide diapers for his house."

Hmmm, nobody is telling you provide diapers for our house bitch, but a DIAPER BAG, is supposed to have DIAPERS in it for the ride home you fucking moron.
Needless to say, there is no love lost between that poor excuse of a woman and myself.

UGH...and then that leads to

UGH...and then that leads to what so many of us are dealing with now!

Very hard work and very

Very hard work and very expensive. My photographer cost me $3500.00 for my wedding, for an all day shoot from 9am to 12am. Couldn't afford a photographer for my BS28s wedding so we went the DIY route which worked out great as well.

How expensive are you? and

How expensive are you? and where are you located? I am always looking for good photographers for events and gatherings. Send me a PM with your images, so I can see your work.

this guy is a pro, charges

this guy is a pro, charges $3500 or so and up for weddings (8 hours of coverage).

im getting him for 3 hours, $400. but the biggest thing is i get the rights and a CD so im not stuck paying $20 per picture.

he was actually the guy i used for my own wedding and there were very few non-usable shots.

I want a good camera for my

I want a good camera for my birthday/Xmas this year. I am going to start asking DH for it. I LOVE pictures and would love to learn how to take great pics just as a hobby.

Let me just throw this in. My

Let me just throw this in. My 28 y/o BS got married last year. We had a simple but really beautiful backyard wedding. My other sons BS25 & BS16 wore shirts, ties, slacks and dress shoes, SD13 wore a super cute dress and ballet flats. (purchased by us)
SS21 however, wore cargo pants, high top sneakers, a t-shirt and didn't shave or get a hair cut. In all the pictures, my boys and all the guests looked spectacular. SS21 looked as if he had just wandered in off the street and was at the wrong party.

We didn't hire a photographer, we had a family friend who is into photography as a hobby, take all the photos. When it came time to edit the pics to put them in an album (that we made online at Shutterfly) we had to crop out SS21s entire body and only leave him shoulders up, because he looked SO awful in all the photos. My DH was very upset about it.

I just shrugged my shoulders, SS is 21 years old, that was not our responsibility. However, had he learned from his mother how to dress properly, neat, clean and semi-formal, we wouldn't have gone thru that. Home training is the key.

i just emailed my fiance a

i just emailed my fiance a link to two dresses at SD's fave store, and they come in her fave colors. they are $35 and $45 each, but there is a 50% off sale going on. i suggested he speak with her tonight and order one or even both.

if he doesnt run with this idea, then im going to cancel because i cant handle the stress and i dont want us to fight that day and during the shoot because obviously the looks on our faces will be pained and strained and not worth it.

haha. thx. it will still be

haha. thx.

it will still be a challenging day for me since i pretty much try to avoid SD altogether.

so funny (sad?) how so much changed in the past year. last father's day SD was normal, we had fun, and i was so happy to do this gift (honeymoon phase). this father's day i barely acknowledged and didnt want to be around at all.

no, she's just a carbon copy

no, she's just a carbon copy of her d-bag mother.

Personally? I wouldn't be in

Personally? I wouldn't be in the pictures at all! Make it all out to be a "father/daughter" thing. That's probably why we haven't taken a family picture since our wedding. SD15 has always been a princess and grated on my nerves...ever since she learned to speak! I've always had to listen to "MY MOM" this, and "MY MOM" that when ever I tried to tell her anything (like telling her to eat what was put in front of her, I would get the "MY MOM doesn't make me eat that...she always makes me chicken nuggets and mac and cheese"...yes, child expected me to make a separate meal for her even at age 5). I couldn't imagine sitting through a photo shoot pretending to be the happy family!

it was SD's cousin's wedding,

it was SD's cousin's wedding, not ours.

and trust me, if i were in charge, i would have sent her home to her mother and we would have gone to the wedding without her. but of course my fiance has no balls and would never actually follow through on directives which is why my dumbass SD does this stuff int eh first place - no repercussions.

Yeah, buy her what you want

Yeah, buy her what you want her to wear. (Sounds like this is what you've chosen!) It's the best way to ensure that you get your money's worth.

My MSD also had issues dressing appropriately. My parents are members of a golf club, and would occasionally invite us to dinner (including the SDs). There was a dress code - no jeans or t-shirts. MSD (about 16 at the time) once came downstairs dressed in jeans and a t-shirt to go to dinner, and I told her she had to change. She refused, saying she "didn't bring anything else to wear". (She had clothes - she'd worn them before - she just didn't bring them from her mom's house figuring we couldn't "make" her wear them if she didn't have them with her.) We left her home and took the other 2 girls to dinner. *shrug* It was the last time she pulled that.

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Which Choice Should I Make?