You are here

feelings of guilt

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Mon, 02/28/2011 - 9:58pm

How do you all deal with the guilt of blended families? step parenting? disengaging?

For 12 years I've felt guilty that we did more for the custodial kids in our house than the non custodial. I've felt guilty that we didn't have a bunch of extra money to be that disney land dad thing. I've felt guilty that they didn't like to come to our house (ok, BM said they didn't like to come, but either way it affected our relationship with skids). And I've felt guilty that I disengaged and rather enjoyed seeing SD fail miserably.

Currently I feel guilty because ODD is going to college next year, I have told her that she needs to know that she will be responsible for her own college education- I did not feel that her dad and I should go into debt, cash out 401's etc to put her through. However I do have every intention of helping as much as I can but the assumptions needs to be that I can't afford anything.
But when sd19 started college we were not involved in any decisions, and had no say but were 57% responsible for books, living allowance and dorm fees (her mother lives in the same town as the college). In addition BM still got a minimal amount of CS. Since I was going through school when she started I took out additional student loans in my name to pay for sd obligation. I started disengaging about 3-4 years ago- another thing to feel guilty about- I quit going to activities, wasn't around much when they were visiting, and pretty much pulled out of their lives. I only assisted when DH asked me too.

So yet another thing to be guilty about: being angry at SD and BM for the college situation. Yet wanting to help out my dd as much as possible. And counting down the years until they age out of the CS situation.

So how does one deal with the guilt, so that sanity is intact?

Comments

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 1:28pm

I think if anyone, your H should be the one feeling guilty! Having your wife take out student loans to pay for YOUR daughter's college?!?!?!?!!! :jawdrop:

I've got enough of my OWN student loans to pay for. My son has HIS own student loans to pay for. Why in the hell do the entitled skids get to get off debt free??

etyler's picture

Submitted by etyler on Tue, 03/01/2011 - 1:53pm

I think guilt goes with these relationships hand and hand. You have to learn for yourself why you are in this, and what you want out of it. most times, we don't feel guilty, but instead let other people make you feel guilty. I think you need to know who you are, and what your priorities are and you'll sleep just fine Smile

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Sat, 06/01/2013 - 7:30pm

The DH has one emotion ruling his every action: guilt. it makes him masochistic so he won't put his own needs (or that of his second wife) first. i am sick and tired of his guilt. after all it was his first wife who was the adulteress and who left him and took the children across the country and out of state so he could not see them. when the X first wanted out of the marriage she had him served with divorc papers and he was too cowardly to even find a lawyer to look after his own interest and that of the children. Cowed by guilt.

Agree. Disengaging is the best.