First of all, laying your hands on your gf (with the intent to hurt or not) in the middle of a fight is NOT OKAY. ask her to be quiet.. take the fight somewhere else, or let the downstairs neighbors think what they will, but do NOT touch her. That is a HUGE no no!

Second.. I would sit down the SS and explain to him how PROUD (yes PROUD) you are of him for wanting to protect his mom.. but that he won't ever have to protect her from YOU (note the first of all of never laying your hands on her in a fight again!). Explain that you appreciate his concern, but some things are just between adults.. and that he needs to realise he's not part of that conversation.

Thirdly.. I would seriously again suggest family counceling for all of you. You and your gf seem to be having problems communicating.. you and your SS have problems communicating and SS and GF seem to have problems communicating. If you don't want to be having a 15 or 17 year old throw a punch down the line, better get those lines of communication, respect and what role everyone has to play in this relationship sorted out NOW.

Stepup

Do not let this slide. You and your GF need to set him straight on what he saw, or thought he saw. You can't completely blame the kid if he thought you were taking a swing at Mom.

How often do you to get into screaming matches or was this a one time thing.
If you don't mind me asking, what else happened on Sunday afternoon, how did it end up.
Jo

It just seem that at 26, you have time. What are your favorite things about your relationship with your girlfriend and what are the worse things?
How does it weigh out?
Jo
P.s. I got to get off to make an eggplant parm. I'll check back later to see if you posted back.

What about a trial separation. You said you two tend to break up and make up. What was your longest time apart?
I'm sorry for the questions, but we can only offer advice if we know alittle more.

Jo

This is a hard one... how to enforce appropriate behavior in your home without being the bad guy in a situation where you really don't have a whole lot of legitimate authority to do so. Welcome to our world!

First, if there's a volume problem, walk away. It's better than having an innocent gesture be misinterpreted and opening up a whole new can of worms. Second, you're going to have a hard time getting a kid who is only fourteen years younger than you to respect you as a parental figure. When he was born, you weren't much older than he is now. So there's going to be a credibility problem for you to overcome. Third, it has to be clear that there are two adults in the household and he isn't one of them. Mom has to back you up 100%, not take over all dealings with him. Fourth, with all of the breaking up and getting back together, well, you guys just don't have the type of relationship where you can or should expect to be treated as a co-parent of this child. You're not... you're the sometimes boyfriend, not the stepfather and not a co-parent. I think it would be very different if you were married, engaged or at least living in a totally committed relationship and not in a situation where breaking up and getting back together is a routine occurence.

So here's the sixty-four thousand dollar question... why in the world do you want to stay in a relationship that is so unstable, especially when that instability is going to be a hugmongous hinderance when it comes to establishing your authority with this kid? You are so young and it's a very long life. The strings that tie you to this woman are not all that tight. Enduring relationships/marriages are not always fun, but if you're constantly breaking up, then why even bother trying to stay together?

I think first things have to come first. You have to establish the relationship with Mom first and you both have to commit wholly to it. Then you can work on establishing the relationship with the child. But before you make that kind of investment, and believe me, it can be a killer investment, I'd make very sure that Mom is likewise invested. If you can't be sure there won't be more break-ups down the road, then I'd take another path altogether.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I love the man I'm engaged to...he's wonderful in every way. I'm trying to think of something I don't like about him, and I'm having trouble. He's the type of man I dreamed of marrying as a young girl. Great family, similar backgrounds, same goals for life and what we expect from it...God made him just for me.

HOWEVER, the baggage that comes with him (SS and especially BM) almost made me say no to his proposal. I had to think very long, and very hard about if I could accept the less-than-perfect people in his life. We rarely fight, and we respect each other when we do (physically, emotionally, and especially in terms of tone and volume). This is where I may be taking this a step too far...

My point is that even when confronted with the potential "perfect mate", the situation becomes very complicated when you're dealing with a person, and their kids, and their ex. It's a battle on one front or another almost every day. It is can be a very emotionally draining experience (how many of us have written that there's just no fight left in us, much less felt it?) If you can't even get along with the mom on a consistant and stable basis, how are you going to have the energy and where-with-all to deal with the kids? And what about when the ex decides to start giving you problems?

This lifestyle, although thoroughly rewarding, is very hard to take on a long term basis, and honestly it's probably impossible if you and the mom aren't on the same page and can't get along. I don't mean to be negative, but the only thing that keeps me here are those days, often few and far between, when it's obvious that these boys of mine need me, and would fall flat on their faces with out me. Now, it's my opinion that this is happening most of the time, but it's not all too often they come out and say it to me. But when they do, it's all been worth it for me. But it doesn't sound to me like you are getting any of these rewards in your family. Maybe you are, but I can't imagine going through all of this stress and pain for nothing. If it's all like that, I have better ways to spend my time.

I was expecting you to say like, months at a time.
You mentioned she is going through alot right now. Does she share with you or keep it bottled up?
26, 4 days is really not a break up. Maybe it's time to do a 30 day trial separation.
I'm sorry but I have to ask 1 last question and it is a loaded one.
Just a yes or no answer, no details.
Have you ever hit her and/or she hit you.?

I'm really sorry. You have to separate and possibly for good. It is NEVER EVER healthy to be in a relationship that can esculate into violence. I think I speak for everyone here that, at one point or another, we have been in an unhealthy relationship. That we have all felt emotional abuse. Lord knows I have. At your age I had spent 6 years in an on & off relationship. I truley beleive he was the right one for me, even though I knew in my heart, he treated me poorly most time.
Yes, when things were good between us, they great. And I hung on to that for dear life, so afraid of losing him.
I don't know your whole story, but you have said more than enough.
Either get serious counseling or end it.
And beware. It will not be easy to end a relationship that holds such strong feelings.
Please stay in touch, especially over the next few days.
Jo

I agree with little jo...if it has escalated to violence then it is time to get out before some one gets hurt or SS learns some bad behaviours. Toxic relationships are just that. I was with someone for 11 years. Met when we were 24. Luckily no kids. I look back now and think how i wasted some prime years of my life. It too was a toxic relationship and I held on for all the wrong reasons. He got smart had finally had the nerve to end it. I thank him everyday.

I know it is hard to think this far ahead but it is a long road ahead. You are still young enough to get it together and meet someone who is right for you. Sometimes we are so insecure within ourselves that we misread the toxic behaviours. Love is about kindness, respect, love, security. And you can find these. She may think you are not doing her a favour but in the long run she will see that you were wrong together.

Good lOck

about her. How old is she? When did you meet her and how? What was her upbringing like?

It's like you have a two fold problem.

1st. is your relationship with her. Exclude SS for a moment. You said your-self the srceaming matches were from day one. And you have also admitted to that you two are not above taking a swing at each other from time to time. That alone is so not good whether there are good time or not. IT'S NOT HEALTHY.

2nd. Now add the SS. As if he's not having a good enough time with the start of puberty, he got a Father who is clearly not over Mom.

I think I still have to go with a 30 day trial separation or at less two weeks. With no communication, none, zero. Stay with a friend or something.

Maybe before the separation, you can both write down the things you love about each other, the things you don't and what you want the future to be. Set a date to meet back and discuss what you learned and how you feel.

What do you think?

Jo