Vacation's over...

So sad that the Skids are coming back today afteer a week at G-ma's. I had a meltdown last night. I feel so guilty for missing the peace and quiet of my former life. Not to mention the way my house stays clean when there aren't two little people making messes all the time.

I was hoping to use my week off (first one in six months) to officially kiss my former self goodbye and come to grips with my new life. I feel as though the unexpected arrival of my Skids never allowed me any closure or transition time. I was instantly taking over all the mother duties and trying so hard to do everything just right- to be the mom my mom wasn't. Anyway, perhaps that is why I was crying and not coping. Really releasing the past six months and thinking of ways to make myself let go of the negative stuff and embrace the positive aspects of my new life.

My future Dh is so concerned he thinks maybe we should "go back" and not live together. The stress of having the insta-family is affecting my health, my attitude, and our relationship. Soooo I need to either embrace it or forget it, it seems. I am in the process of outlining way in which my life can be made easier. It's mu fault, I offer to do things I really don't want to do because I'm afraid of lookinglike a bitch. I need to get better at saying no and not feeling guilty about it. I need to adopt the philsophy that "It's not my problem" like I do at work. I need to stop trying to control things that are clearly out of my control- clothes coming back from BM's house, the way future BM coddles the kids sometimes and feel as though he neds to entertain them 24/7. Maybe disengage a litle bit and not attend to the menutia (sp?). I just wonder how to disengage without becoming disinterested??? I'm already disinterested, actually so maybe letting go of all the stuff I feel I have to do and just doing what I want to do, what I feel comfortable with.

Anyway, long rant... Maybe it's just PMS???

2SteppinInCali's blog
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Guilt...

A friend once told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I know I shouldn't feel guilty.

Actually told future DH I was MAD! I felt so liberated I told him I was mad that the Skids came so suddenly to live with us (no warning) one day we were EOW and the next fulltime, that I am the one to get them ready for school, make lunches, and be late for work everyday (are he and BM ever late?), that I never have a moment to myself, and that his financial issues are hindering our ability to buy a house.

I never want to hurt anyone's feelings but when I finally figured out that I am just pissed off and have no outlet, I realized he deserves to hear how this has affected every aspect of my life. Everyone elses lives have been made easier, except mine. It's not fair and he needs to do more. I made it too easy for him. So I am disenging as you suggest and going to try not to "sweat the small stuff". What good is all this anger and trying to control the situaion getting me? One step closer to Prozac?

I know it won't be easy to let go of some of my habits, but I am worth the try :)Anyway, thanks for the pep talk! Iam goingot be posiitve about the SKids coming back. However, I am NOT crazy about MIL staying the week with us so we have a sitter (don't get me started)! BM has not had the kids since school got out! At least she will cook.

Have a nice weeknd,all.

My BF and I live together

My BF and I live together apart. I'm definately keeping my own home in the future! It has proven to be a santuary when BF's adult son is visiting. BF was upset that I'm only interested in very limited time with his son, but now he understands and supports my point-of-view. Please consider having your own space. It will save your sanity and relationship. Also, I feel this seperation keeps me from the temptation of saying something I'll regret to BF's son. I see this as a win-win. Adult son (who is extremely immature)gets one-on-one time with his father, and my blood doesn't boil having to listen/watch adult son's immature behavior.

Living Apart Together

Please consider getting a place of your own. It will be a sanctuary for you when you need a break. It could also save your relationship, decress the odds of depressive episode, and decrease the odds of saying something that could forever damage your relationship with these kids.

My BF and I are LATS (Living Together Apart) for a variety of reasons. It makes him sad that I don't want much contact with his adult son, but he understands where I'm coming from. It's a win-win situation for me and his son. When the son visits, he gets dad's undivided attention, and I have peace!

Thanks, MinneMom

I have really been thinking about what we can do to diminish my feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed. My therapist says I am handling things quite well. I am just used to doign things well and being able to adapt and see progress quickly. This siuation seems so tedious and never endeing. I will always have to deal with BM, raise her kids, and try not feel bitter about it. I know I chose this man and with him all of his baggage. I think I made it too easy for him and was trying to make up for my mom being a poor example by being supermom to the SKIDS when they came. Also because I knew exactly what they were going through haivng delat with a mom who was mental midget. In the process, though, I have become someone I no longer identify with. I nit-pick, get frustrated easily, and long for alone time. Sooooo, my future DH and are devising a plan that works for both of us. Well all of us.

PS

Had a great weekend! Took Saturday to myself and spent Sunday a the beach wioth SKIDS and extended family. Theperfect balnce of ocmarie time and family time. I need to express when I need time to myslef better and just take it, without feeling guilty.

PS

Trying...

1. Saying no when I don't want to do something that will make things easier for everyone else involved but forces me to rearrange ny schedule. AND... DH can't get upset with me for telling the truth. He can't get his feelings hurt if I don't want to spend 24/7 with him and the Skids. A mutually agreed upon goal

2. Getting a cleaning lady! YEAH........

3. Doing more stuff with my girlfriends like I used to.

4. When school starts again, MWF I get to come home and the Skids will be at an afterschool program until 4:30. That means they spend only 1 hour away from DH (I hope he can handle it) AND I get an hour to myself at home in my house the way I left it in the morning! YEAH :)DH has a problem NOT being with is kids. He thinks he needs to do EVERYTHING with them. He is a great dad but I think he's a little co-dependent. He agrees and thinks the afterschool thing will be good for them and him. He coaches SS's basketball team and takes SD's to swim class. They get enough daddy time. He can go fishing or to the gym with this arrangement.

5. T and Th Skids and DH can come home first and I will go to the gym right after work. Something I need to be doing anyway. That way if there are homework melt downs I don't need to be around Homework has beenhell with SS. I thin the afterschool thing will help with that too. He can't act like an ass if someone other than his dad is helping him. He doesn't get so sassy and tantrum whenm I help so I think he will do better if DH doesn't help soo much. Later on Skids have sports so I can choose to go to their practices or stay home...

6. Stop feeling obligated to attend everything they have going on and every outing dad wants to take them on (these people cannot sit still). But make sure I spend at least one day on the weekend engaged in family activities.

7. Stop cleaning their room. I am now closing the door. DH is surprised to see the pile that develops everyday in the center of the room. Now if I find something that is not in it's place I just toss it in the pile and it's DH's job to get the SKIDs to put it all away. A truly eye opening experience for him LOL

8. Laundry is to be done twice weekly so my whole weekend is not spent fuffing and folding. Dh to help with is as well. Which he does but I do the majority of it.

9. Remember that as I find my place in the lives of my Skids, I am lucky that I get to choose my role and define it. I was feeling so lost and didn't know my place and then it hit me! Hey, I decide what my place is.

That's is for now! LOL Quite the list Luckily my DH is trying not to be resentful (whe I say no) and understands where I am coming from. He knows I will be a happier fiance and stepmom if I pull back a little. He realizes I have made alot of sacrifices and appreciates everything. He always lets me know how grateful he is and is encouraging me to do what I need to do to stop feeling so overwhelmed. Despite how difficutlt he past six months have been, I can hineslty say my future DH has been wonderful.

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