3 attitudes of stepkids
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I was discussing with my brother in law (married to my sister) that kids' attitudes generally fall into 3 categories when a parent re-marries, towards new step-family: accept and embrace, indifference, or hostility. I think these can change over time and there are blends of these. I would say of DH's 4 kids, 2 were a little bit hostile at first then indifferent, 1 was embracing (but lives in another state) and 1 was embracing in theory but indifferent in practice based on the fact she's just inconsiderate. My kids on the other hand were always in the accept and embrace camp. So I cannot help but feel that mine are better, nicer people than his.
Where do your real kids vs step kids fall and how do you feel about that?
Some skids have a lot of
Some skids have a lot of pressure from the other parent that keeps them from being able to embrace or accept. I'm not sure that means your kids are better people.
My skid embraced and accepted me, but rejected his father, due to BM's pressure.
pressure from other parent
Agree with you on young kids. As for the oldest, she was 21 when DH and I met so I do not give her a pass. At a certain age, people should be able to think for themselves.
You would think that an adult
You would think that an adult could think for themselves, but many of these skids were raised with this toxicity their entire lives. They don't know any different. I am in my 30s and I still struggle with my mom. I watch BM twist my SD13 this way and that, using her love and acceptance as a bargaining chip to get whatever BM wants. Its a horrible way to treat your kids. As a result, my SD13 is accepting and respectful when she is with us, but pretends to have hostility when she is at BM's house. Once when she was 9, she blurted out to DH that she has to be that way because she is afraid her mom won't love her otherwise. Its is very sad, and I think some kids are never able to break free from that control, even as they get older.
21 is not an adult nowadays,
21 is not an adult nowadays, and many of those so-called adults are still completely dependent on the alienating parent.
And I won't give your DH a pass, did he demand she behave appropriately and be respectful? Or did he coddle her poor feelings?
According to Wednesday Martin
According to Wednesday Martin in her book "Stepmonster" - step children need their bio parents' "permission" to have a relationship with their step parent/s. If the bio parent withholds this, or actively PAS's the child - it ain't gonna happen, no matter what. My SDs loathed me from the word go, because their mother did this. She used to tell them all sorts of shit about me, worst of which was that I was a prostitute - and she told them this when they were aged 5 and 7! I will never, ever forgive her for how she behaved, and I am so glad that karma is now dumping on her from a great height, which she richly deserves.
IMHO it has the most to do
IMHO it has the most to do with Quality parenting. Crappy parents, shitty behavior from their children.