Advice please
It's been 8 years dealing with my SD13, 8 long years. I've been trough a lot. Basically my SD has behavior problems due to mom/dad guilt. I'm really done with her, I'm done with her treating me like a piece of garbage, being disrespectful, etc in my own house, even with my parents. Yes, my husband has talked to her about this many times but this girl doesn't understand she has to respect others.
After many efforts from me I give up, I can't with her anymore. I told my husband she is no longer welcome in my house anymore. I need to feel safe and feel happy in my own home not to be attacked. This girl does not live with us, most of the time she is with MIL, she comes once or twice a week, sometimes more, it depends on her irresponsible mother. I told my husband that Im not telling him he can't see her, not to be a dad, etc, he can do whatever he wants with her, but not in my house, my safe place, Im only asking for peace. He told me he cant do that because is his daughter and I'm basically overreacting to "normal child behavior" but I think I'm not, he prefers not to be with me before be responsible for her child bad actions towards me and my parents.
He is really sad because I'm asking him this, but they have to be responsible, they have to assume the consequences of her bad actions. I really don't know what to do, all of this breaks my heart. Am I wrong? Thanks for reading!
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Well, if it's "normal child
Well, if it's "normal child behavior", I guess my SD30 was an abnormal child because she was taught to respect all adults, and she did. She did not disrespect me, nor treat me like garbage.
But my DH did not parent out of guilt, nor would he have let her get away with being a brat and she knew it. Of course, she had her moments here and there, especially as she entered her teenage years, but it was still nothing like some of you other SMs put up with.
I don't blame you, I would not put up with it, either. You deserve to be able to relax in your own home.
Your husband may be sad but he needs to look inward and see why this is happening. It's because he let it. Because he under reacts to her misbehavior. You are right, he didn't want to give her consequences, so he now has to face some of his own.
I can understand like you
I can understand like you said some teenage behaviors, I think in some point some attitudes or actions are normal for her age. But I think disrespect, hurt and be mean with someone (and even in front others) for no reason is NOT normal no matter the age. I can't allowed to be treated like that and It makes me feel so bad but I have to deffend myself because no one will do it for me.
Oh my goodness. After looking
Oh my goodness. After looking at your past blogs you both seem to take so much responsibility for other peoples feelings. He can't stand it if his daughter feels bad. Like, so what dude? It is totally fair of you to have boundaries and say that the adult bedroom is an adult space and that she can't come in any time without knocking! This is an incredibly reasonable and sane boundary. It is an easy one. Or should be. But he is so afraid of hurting her feelings that you were both living in a house full of eggshells.
In your post you say that your boundaries are making him sad. So what? Those are his feelings. And they are his to manage. And frankly if he'd listened to your freaking request to begin with for a few small boundaries and respect and privacy, you two wouldn't be at this point.
This is 100% on him so he needs to own his sadness and he needs to own the consequences, just like you said. Do not try and fix the sadness for him. Stick to your boundaries. And needing to set a boundary is usually a suggestion that somebody doesn't feel comfortable or safe. And you have tried to in the past. And he has made a pouty face about his poor daughters little feelings. Don't give in. You are not asking him to choose between you and his daughter. You have asked for her to have to knock the door before entering the room. Refusal to place any boundaries up until now has given you extreme anxiety about all of his daughter's visits. Why does he keep making this about you? This is his parenting, and it's truly terrible parenting.
Sorry I'm riled up and
Sorry I'm riled up and apparently I'm not done. If he says you were the one forcing this or you were making this choice, no, absolutely not, he does not get to do that. He chose every single time you have brought this up before. You seem very afraid of his sad feelings or hurting him in anyway, so I can only imagine that you've always approach this tactfully and done your best to advocate for yourself and the boundaries you're requesting in a really gentle and loving manner. And he said no to you. He said no you don't get privacy, he said no you don't get peace. He said his daughter not feeling bad is more important to him than your sense of peace and respect and quality of life. HE HAS BEEN CHOOSING THIS WHOLE TIME! Passivity is also choosing. Refusing to change anything is also choosing. Sorry for ranting at you! Wish I could rant at your DH instead! Apparently I needed to get that out!
Thank you!. Yes! definitely
Thank you!. Yes! definitely he is always afraid of "hurting" her feelings and I never though about it, for so long I thought he was blind but no, you are right, he sees but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. At first I was thinking I was asking for too much but no, like you said he is refusing to change something that only him can change because is his responsabilty and he is making me feel "guilty" about this boundaries when Im not, Im just protecting myself.
Ask him why he doesn't love
Ask him why he doesn't love her enough to actually parent her.
It makes me crazy when
It makes me crazy when parents think "talking to" an ill-behaved child will fix anything. Sure, a talk the first time. But this disrepsect has been going on well beyond that "talk." A good parent takes action. Your DH talks and talks and gives up repeatedly. He's a weak, terrible parent.
You really don't have any choice other than to set your boundaries and enforce them, or accept the bad behavior. Your DH isn't willing to change anything, so you must. If he doesn't like it he can do something about it. If he's unhappy, so what? He obviously doesn't care that you're unhappy.
Yes definitely he doesn't
Yes definitely he doesn't want to take action, he is normalizing his child bad behavior. It makes me feel so sad all of this but you are right, he doesn't care about me being unhappy and hurt.
He also doesn't care that he
He also doesn't care that he is stunting her development. The more he lets her get away with, the harder it will be for her to become a decent human being and the harder it will be for her to make friends.