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SOS My feelings are hurt.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:34pm

Sorry for the excessive blogging today.

I have a DH/skid/BM situation that just arose, tell me if I should be hurt or if this is overreacting on my part.

I have been telling DH that SS is getting out of control. In fact, I caught him viewing porn last weekend. DH spoke to him about it, apparently. I just feel he is too easy on him, including with making church optional.

Well, BM called DH today to talk about SS - he got in trouble at school earlier. She also thinks church shouldn't be optional, that video games need to be limited, that DH needs to be more firm... literally everything I have been saying.

DH calls just now to let me know he talked to her -- but the kicker is: suddenly now he realizes he has been too relaxed as a parent and its time to step up. UMM I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR MONTHS?!??!! It really pisses me off that she gets through to him so easily. I feel like chopped Valentines Day liver.

Am I overreacting?

ETA: I texted him about it, see below, and he immediately gets defensive, says I am being negative and to "please stop trying to cause a fight between us about this." Cannot win.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:39pm

I would be frustrated too. I would have told him, that's exactly what I have been telling you for MONTHS!

THEN I would have asked him what he had planned for Valentines day for you. If he didn't have a good enough answer, I would get him NOTHING.

He doesn't seem to value you as a partner in his life. This sucks considering you are the one supporting him.

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:42pm

So tell him that. He can't mistake the plain truth. Thee is no right or wrong way to feel my love there is only what is and what isn't.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:45pm

I texted him "It sucks that I tell you for months you're too easy on (SS) and you brush me off, but one convo with (Ex) and you're ready to listen. Real Nice."

Grrr... really poor timing today

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:49pm

Maybe, but I deserve to be heard. Just because she pushed that kid out doesn't mean her word should give him a revelation and mine should be ignored. I have raised those kids with him.

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:59pm

You totally deserve to be heard. Burying this feeling that you're having also isn't going to help matters-it'll just come out 10x worse at a later date.

I'm going to qualify my earlier comment.

That being said-I too am capable of a knee jerk pissy text message from time to time because in the moment I'm hurt and frustrated. This is a pissy text message. So when, and if he gets back at you with anything less than an apology, just tell him you're sorry for the abrasiveness but you're really upset and explain why. I promise you'll get much farther this way and avoid an argument. And as far as rubbing his face in it, he's a big boy. He doesn't need to be conditioned into doing what he should have done in the first place. You don't get a reward (or lack of consequence) for showing up late to the parenting party sorry buddy.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:00pm

Yeah I am a knee jerk texter and I tend to explode easily and then regret my words.

I put away my phone and am resisting the urge to rant. :sick:

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:07pm

I would tell him, it's not about SS at this point. It's about how I'm feeling and I feel like a second class citizen. I'd like to think you take my opinion into consideration as a partner in this family and not as someone on the bench. I want to know you value my opinion and you reacting to her telling you what I've been telling you for months makes me feel confused.

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:11pm

Ask him to explain what was different. He may tell you nothing is different. His reaction to her telling him may just be because she is the other half of that parenting equation and there is nothing, despite all of our best efforts that we can do about it. Your step kid is their child, so it could just be reality that in this arena, he word holds slightly more weight and you've got to be okay with that. This fact does not, by any stretch of the imagination, disqualify your frustration-which is why you need to talk to him about it.

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:17pm

very good potential response! you are "on" today, darlin'. this would show that she is open to listening to his side in a reciprocal way, just as she wants him to acknowledge her hurt. his answer could very well be "i dont know" but it would show a willingness to communicate together and it's not "always negative".

mommadukes2015's picture

Submitted by mommadukes2015 on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:04pm

Get your rant out girl, just do it here so when you approach the topic with him later, you've got it out of your system and you know what it is you want to communicate.

We don't argue to be right. We argue to be understood. As long as you keep that in the back of your mind, ie: what the purpose of your feelings are/what you want to get out of the conversation, you can't go wrong.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:06pm

That is a good mantra to keep in mind before I go ahead and rant to him or blow a gasket.

I get so worked up, heart racing, clenched fists...

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:13pm

"We don't argue to be right. We argue to be understood." how so very true!

with that in mind, choose your words and method of delivery wisely. you want to get him to be and then to stay stay open to your message.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 3:08pm

Well there seems to be a clear theme of abuse = anger.

I got choked slammed against a wall for not eating my vegetables when I was 13... so maybe it makes sense that I am this way, and it is not some inherent unidentifiable character flaw that I am stuck with forever and always. Yay

Tuff Noogies's picture

Submitted by Tuff Noogies on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:51pm

please add "this would bother me any day, but it hurts especially so on valentine's day." yes this is something to be addressed, but dont attack him so as not to provoke him. remember, you should want to leave it to where you can discuss it openly. if not, nothing gets solved, which is probably why your resentment keeps building and building.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 1:48pm

It's not worth bringing it up to him. You know you were right and pointing it out to him won't accomplish anything.
But it is painfully obvious that he does not respect your opinion and I would stop giving it to him. If he wants to continue allowing his son to be a foul mouthed jerk, so be it. You tried and he ignored you.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:07pm

You have a lot on your plate and that was just one more thing that made you feel like crap.

It's understandable, you are frustrated that he would not listen to you, but now he's suddenly had a revelation after speaking to BM. It would make me feel like he respected BM and her voice more than he respected me and what I have to say.

AJanie's picture

Submitted by AJanie on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:10pm

I suppose. I am trying to tell myself maybe him getting in trouble at school was his lightbulb moment, not so much BM.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:13pm

It absolutely could be the school thing, hearing it from more than one person, seeing it more himself, etc. but coincidental or not, him deciding it after talking to BM, as if now that SHE has said it, it must be true, rubbed you the wrong way.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:25pm

Honey you have the wrong vagina. Unless your vagina birthed the kid, you know diddly squat.

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:38pm

LOL this made me laugh...

But honestly, if this is the case or if it feels like the case, something needs to change. Your husband should respect your opinion MORE than his ex. Sure, she birthed the kid, but you help him raise the kid and you're his life partner who he chose. I don't know about you but I don't spend all my time with people whose opinions i don't trust.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 02/14/2017 - 2:36pm

I think other posters kind of nailed it with saying that hearing about the issue at school was probably a big driver here. It also didn't hurt that the EX was on his case too.

However, this to me speaks of a deeper issue. DH doesn't value her opinion or her input at the very least when it comes to his son.. and maybe in other areas of life as well.

It wasn't enough for her to point out that his son was heading in a dangerous direction. She saw the writing on the wall and gave him suggestions on how to deal with it. He ignored her because he either "A" feels she has no right to have any opinion about his son, "B" Doesn't listen to half what she says anyway or "C" thinks she always over reacts. None of those are really great responses.

My bottom line is that since the children were in my home and their relative success or failure in life would impact me and my household (which DH was a part of) that I most certainly should have input into their upbringing and personal development. Don't tell me they are none of my business when them living at home until they are over 30, or constantly asking "dadeeee" for money will impact my future.

While they may not be my "responsibility" they most certainly are my business as long as I am married to their father!

So, when I have a valid concern, he should at least hear me out. We may not always agree and certainly don't with the BM much of the time, but I deserve to be heard and to know that my input is taken seriously.

I have two SD's who are young adults and successful by many standards of measure for the most part. I feel that my input and encouragement helped put them there. I am proud of both of them for being self sufficient and hard working. Perfect? no.. but generally doing well and impacting my life very little Smile

Ajanie should expect her DH listens to her and lets her have a space at the table.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 02/15/2017 - 1:23am

DH ignored you because you are not the bio mother... not because he's jumping when BM demands....
now the bio mum has the same warnings as you and he listens... I think it' very normal

would I be pissed, yes... then I will get over it and totally disengage from SS, if DH ever ask my opinion or advice I will laugh and say - ask BM.... when I tell you something you ignore it, when she tells you the same thing you believe it, let's stop wasting time and ask her directly...

Find yourself some nice hobbies to do and enjoy your new freedom of being totally disengage... you do not even mention SS watching porn or slapping the salami on the porch... not your kid and not your problem