WHAT IF YOU COULD TAKE IT ALL BACK? Question for FormerAAGirl too

Had a surreal sci fi day dream thing. I was looking for a password reset email and it never showed up so while looking through my email folder I realized I saved every email between DH and I when we first started talking. I read through all of them starting from June 2006. I've been sort of going through a 7 year itch thing with him where everything he does annoys the hell out of me or isn't good enough. And I thought "What if I reply to one of these old emails and write something like 'Quit emailing me have a good life Im out.'" "What if when I hit reply and send at that moment everything in my life was gone. No BD5 no BD4 I wouldn't even know SD's exist. I wouldn't have had vicious encounters with BM her sister or MIL. Would I even be sitting here in THE USA? Would I be jailed in a prison in Thailand?" So I replied and hit send and than listened and had a minor heart attack when I couldn't hear DH's stupid sneezing anymore. He's still here and I guess it's a good sign I am relieved and glad he's still here. I got one of those mailer daemons saying my message couldn't be sent. Thank goodness. I love him and even though when we go long periods of time without the SD's and when they are here and leave and it feels like our family is ripped apart I love our girls.

I follow Formers story and it's so empowering to hear updates on the Beast getting her just deserts and all, and I know she involved herself out of love for her husband but I wonder after all is said and done and you have these three kids in your home and your own children are grown if it was all worth it, or do you feel like you wish they weren't in your house 24/7?

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If I was being totally honest

If I was being totally honest with myself, and did the whole "if I knew then what I know now" thing- I wouldn't want any part of it. There was a point when it would have been easy to walk away and I should have.

Going through all the BS

Going through all the BS drama with BM that I had to put up with just for falling in love with my DH, showed me clearly that he WAS worth it. Because anything less than the bond we have would have been torn apart by her jackass-ery.

I think that if I had NOT met

I think that if I had NOT met and gotten involved with my DH, my son would never have been born or molested by his brother. My son (when he was 5) was the one who stood up and outed his half brother (SS then 13). The end story is that we ended up with custody of SS after treatment. Do I wish things were different? Hell yes, I wish his damn BM hadn't fucked him up so bad that it was too late for us to 'fix' him and his emotional issues that she gave to him with all the PAS. The only reason this child is in our home at all is because Probation refused to let him off until WE had custody.
SS is now 17, hates his BM, and I believe he hates us also. I'm not afraid SS will re-offend. I hate the silence and lack of communication from him. I hate knowing that we have given this child EVERYTHING we possibly could and in 9 months when he graduates, I know he will be gone and won't return until/if he ever gets his life straightened around. He doesn't want to help himself right now, and he KNOWS he has things to work on and change, he knows that he is the only one who can change these things, yet here we sit... waiting for him to run the moment he gets his 'get out of jail free card'.
Then I will pick my DH up, brush him off, and we will start fighting for SD14, whom we hardly know. Then when we have tried valiantly to do everything possible for her... She will end up just like her BM, living off the state with kids with multiple dads.
Then I will pick my DH up, brush him off, and we will live with our pride and joy, BS10, who has survived and overcome so much in his life that I would NEVER trade his existence for ANYTHING or ANYONE!!! Then we will watch this boy become the most awesome Math teacher the world has ever seen!!!!