Meeting at the School....(really long, but questions at the bottom)
So today, my hubby & I both took the day off because we had a mid-day meeting at the school with SD12's teachers, guidance counselor, vice principal, and school psychologist, oh, I forgot BM was also there. The day started much like any other. I was the first up in the house, I met a neighbor at the HS bus stop so she could bring brownies and cookies to my SS16 - today is his B-day (so if you live anywhere in Orange or Rockland Counties in NY---BEWARE, another student driver on the road). I had my quiet cup of coffee, then woke up my BD for school, but she was pretty much up and getting ready. I had another cup of coffee, check FB, read a few blogs, talked to a few friends. Hubbie finally came down and promptly fell asleep on the couch. A friend stopped by for coffee, she'll be back on Thursday...we usually hang and talk for a few hours, but with hubbie sleeping on the couch, she didn't stay as long.
Around 10, I decide to get ready for the meeting...nice long hot shower...make up, actually styled my hair instead of pulling it into a pony tail. I put on jeans instead of sweats. I felt good! But I digress...The only reason this meeting was taking place, was I wrote a letter to the guidance counsellor and the school counselor letting them know we want SD tested for learning disabilities, aspergers, etc. She is struggling horribly, is ready on an early 5th grade level in the 6th grade...has no self esteem...depression, socialization issues. Has temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. As the meeting went on BM went on and on about how much she works with her daughter to get her homework and studying done. (I should insert here, that she does have a four year degree for teaching, but never past the actual State Qualification test to actually teach..and she also was FIRED from a teacher's assistant job mid-year because she was doing so horrible to the mortification of the friend who actually got her the job.) And the funny thing is, she helps her daughter with her homework every night for 2-3 hours, when in actuality, from Monday-Thursday, she is home one day because she works the late shift. Another of those days SD is at my house. So out of the 3 days she actually has the kids, she isn't there two of them.
When the teachers did their introductions and told us how SD is doing in their repective classes, they all agreed she struggled with organization and possibly processing skills (no duh). When we got to the school psychologist, we found out that he has never even met with our SD, so he has really nothing to give to the meeting. Hubby perked up at that minute and mentioned that SD is going to therapy. At that point the teachers all decided to chime in about her anxiety, tearing up for no reason, high emotions, etc. Then we talked about the highs and lows, the tantrums (which don't happen in school). Suddenly the psychologist is interested and will meet with her. I also suggested that we sign a release so he can talk to her psychologist. Ummm wouldn't you think they would have asked for that? The meeting ended with SD being referred to the IST? Team for review. They will come up with strategies that may work for SD to help her with her work. Then after 6 weeks, they will review, see if things are improving and move on from there. If they feel further services are needed, than at that point a request can be made to the Special Ed Commitee. Exactly what my letter asked for to begin with!
When I think about this, none of this would be happening, if I didn't push it. BM was letting things go status quo...hubby, well he was concerned, but doesn't like to make waves. BM was furious that the initial note went to the school without her knowledge..she was ccd on it, she just didn't check her email. I sent it from hubby's email address (he knew) so the school thought it was from him and he has every right to do so. BM went ape shit and told my hubby that he shouldn't sent anything to the school without her knowledge. In my opinion, he has every right to ask for things for the well being of his kids. They have joint custody, she has physical custody and gets a HUGE chunk of child support, but they both have the right to access to schools, drs, etc.
I'm appalled that SD has gotten this far without the proper testing. But can I really blame just BM for the mess her daughter is in? Because wouldn't part of that responsibility have been on my hubby's shoulders as well? Why did it take me, as a virtual outsider, to make things happen for her? I have so many unaswered questions as to what my responsibility is as a SM. Should I take the bull by the horn and push the educational, medical, and psychological issues to resolution? Or should I take a less hands on approach and let the bumbling BM and my hubby figure it out for themselves? But if I do that, will I be able to live with myself? What will I be teaching my BD? Do I have separate standards for my daughter, just because she is my daughter and I can? Or do I hold those standards to all the kids? I just don't know anymore. I do know that if hubby doesn't step up to the plate and be a more present father, there are going to be issues in our marriage. There are issues already, that we are working on, but the issue of the kids is one that I'm not budging on, if he wants me to take the bull by the horn, then he has to back me up. If he wants to deal with things, then he has to take the responsibility and actually deal with them. I'm so confused!
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I know for my situation, I
I know for my situation, I have taken control since SD was in preK, 10 yrs ago... SD had a Valentines function where she was supposed to wear red. I went out to the store and bought SD a red outfit to wear, and drove it to BM's house. As I dropped it off and thought about what I did, and my motives for doing it, I realized that I had just signed up for another 15yrs of the same. I have become SDs most involved.parent. My DH is very helpful, but he.needs to be told what to do. He is a typical man, and from what I can tell, for the most part (some exceptions, like Rags) moms do the majority of the parenting. My husband changes diapers, does more cleaning, and plenty of playing, etc. But as for running the family- appts, shopping, meetings, school, sports, scheduling, conferences, drs, just the basic structure, it is the mom's job. I carry the schedule and structure in my head, my husband has to ask about important events. I am just a take charge person, so . SDs educational issues fell to me naturally. BUT I feel comfortable doing it. I say do what you're comfortable with, and realize, getting involved now pretty much means you've signed on for the rest of her school career. You are right about DH backing you up. I most definitely wouldn't accept the job if DH wasn't going to back me up. You should explain that to him explicitly. And we always hold SD to the same standards as our DSs. She has a lot of issues, but considering her POS alcoholic, high school drop out BM, she is doing exceptionally.
This may turn into a bit of a
This may turn into a bit of a vent, but I want to start by saying thank you. I will stay in my SD's corner for her education and everything else as well. A little back round...my daughter is classified. It was not an easy path. Starting in first grade, I has asked for testing and to have her held back. They said she was too young to really determine anything...so they pushed her thru. She was getting pulled out for reading and math. Second grade, requested to have her tested and held back...they did the testing, decided she was borderline ADHD, but pushed through yet again...still getting pulled out for reading and math...third grade same story, only this time, I take her to a neurologist and and neuropsychologist. It is determined she as ADHD, I figured RAH! she'll get ther services she needs, thy did give her a 504, which gave her extra time on tests, a quiet room for testing, modified homework (which none of the teachers followed to a T) so we rolled into 4th grade PLEASE hold her back! Nope...on to 5th grade...and inclusive classroom...things were a little better, she squeaked thru with the help of wonderful teachers. Socially impossible to hold her back as she developed early. So on to the middle school...she FAILED every single core class. I begged, I pleaded to have her tested again. I begged and pleaded to have her moved to different more compassionate teachers...I was yes'd to death by the guidance counsellor, vice principal and the Dean of Students. Then I was told after continued fighting that she needed to try harder, and even that it was my fault. I finally got the principal's ear. She met my daughter, in ten minutes, she saw the processing issues and the adhd. She then met with my husband and I. We wrote a letter on the spot requesting a formal review by the CSE committee. They too told me based on the reports that were given to them that it was my fault. This include the report from the Neuropsychologist that said she has ADHD. But they agreed to a Psychiatric evalution. Remarkable, but his findings were ADHD with an underlying mood disorder. But me, being who I am, took her back to the Neurologist, and to a Psychiatrist. Our findings. ADHD, with a mood disorder and possible PDS. So in the end...after 7 years of fighting, my daughter finally has and IEP and is in the classes she needs to be in, a 15:1:1. Regular curriculum, smaller classes. I'm happy to say she is now a B/C student and improving everyday! She has come into her own this year.
But I digress, this is supposed to be about SD. She has always been pulled out for reading, since 1st grade. In the transition to MS, she was pulled out of AIS reading. BM didn't bother telling us, until Back to school night (which I insisted on going to). We saw the guidance counsellor and he said they would "watch" and see how she did, and then make a decision if things were too rough. Fast foward to second marking period and she was moved into it. That's it, no further action needed. We were told today, that her teacher KNEW the book she was reading was above her level for her book report, but let it go. BM KNEW it was above her reading level, but let it go. When I finally saw the book, I KNEW it was above her reading level, but that was when the book report was already two weeks late. So here we are, the middle of the school year, fighting the battle that won't be concluded until the summer....will it mean summer school? Will it mean being held back? Who knows...
But while I'm on the subject. SD has major speech problems, not so much a lisp or anything like that, but voice modulation. She either yells, which is her forcing air over her vocal cords, or hoarse and she can't speak above a whisper. I took her to an ENT 4 years ago..no moduals on her vocal chords, but she needs a speech pathologist. Gave BM the referral and she never took her...neither did hubby, so I'm pissed at him too! SD and SS have horrible allergies...after watching them suffer for years, I made them appointments with an allergist...that pissed off BM, but got them much needed relief...even helped SD's voice some. BM didn't follow up with additional appointments until she found out I was again taking care of it. Yearly eye exams aren't done, until I make the appointments. SD walked around with 4 cavities in her mouth for over a year, I finally said I was going to make the appointment. BM ended up doing it at the 23rd hour. SS passed out a few times...BM never told us about it. I found out about it when he was on FB during the day. He had passed out on his sister's floor. They never called the Dr. When they found out, I was on my way to pick him up and take him to either the Dr. or ER, they left the house and took him to the ER. From there, they didn't follow up. The pediatrician said it was migraine's and left it at that. I made an appointment for the Neurologist. and the neurologist wanted him to see a cardiologist...and again, I had to make the appointment. They ulitmately decided it was hormonal and he would grow out of it, but who knows. SS needed a dermatologish for the last three years...he asked his mom over and over. He asked me once, I made the appointment and took him. SD has very bad ecxema, to the point she was scratching it so much she was breaking her skin and bleeding and getting infected. I made the appointment and took her to the dermatologist. The list goes on and on and on....
But in all this I am forgetting once person...I'm forgetting me! I'm not taking care of myself. I am over weight, I have a bad back, migraines, joint pain, etc. And when I try to take the time to care for myself, someone needs something, and I'm on the back burner again.
The "IST" is the "In School
The "IST" is the "In School Team" the next step CSE "Committee for Special Education" The issues i.e. socialization, tantrums, etc aren't anything new...they have been going on as long as I've known her (6 years or so) So I know this is not just a case of raging hormones. I believe, as do many other professional friends, that she is on the PDS spectrum, perhaps Asbergers,or possibly Early onset BiPolar. There are so many things that need to be explores that should have been done years ago.