How old are they?

but they need to stay with you. It doesn't sound like their BM can provide the proper care and love for them. I get the feeling from your post that if they went back to BM's, they'd be on a quick downward spiral.

All of you could probably benefit from counseling- family, couples, and individual counseling. Hopefully in couples counseling, you and HB can come up with some ground rules, rewards and consequences for everyone in your home, and a plan to enforce them when needed. Individual counseling can be a great benefit to the kids because then they can vent their feelings and learn more constructive ways of dealing with them than taking them out on you and HB. Family counseling can get you all on the same page and help you all iron out your issues with each other.

My SDs thought that their mother was perfect too. It took them a long time to realize that she is not. They didn't want to live with us, and for the first year or more, everyone's lives were living he**. They really benefited from counseling, and still do. They now love it here, but it took them a long time for them to feel that way.

I think a lot of kids KNOW that their dad/mom is not a great parent, so to compensate for the flaws of their other parent, they put their other parent on a pedestal. Most kids don't know what's best for them.

Also, I get the feeling BM says bad things to the kids about you and HB. You can find a lot of resources on the internet on how to combat parental alienation syndrome in kids.

These kids need and deserve to live with adults who will love them and take proper care of them, and it doesn't sound like BM fits the bill for being a good parent. By the same token, though, you and HB deserve to be treated with respect. I think getting counseling for everyone can satisfy everyone's needs because then, the kids will be loved and properly cared for and you and HB will be treated with more respect as the kids progress in counseling.

My SDs have been in counseling ever since they've moved in with us. It has saved their lives. They were not properly taken care of at BM's and had a lot of hatred towards both of us, because BM taught them to hate us. So they really needed a lot of psychological help. I hope for all of your sakes that you'll get everyone in counseling.

this is very similar to my situation....when we were EOW, the kids lived with BM and it was a free for all...no consequences for anything...no clothes, no food, no standards whatsoever....sooooo...skids thought this was how life was....food stamps and "call Dad for anything u want", but u don't need to even know what day his birthday is, cuz he's only good for $$$. Anyway, things got so bad, DH went for FC and got it, so now we have three skids full time...with no BM in sight (she went off to "Live her life"....anyway, the quality of their lives has increased immensely, but kids being kids...they get off track, so we always remind them where they came from and what they could go back to. Depending on their ages, I would say let them go back and live there if that is what they want....but the key is do not allow DH to provide any $$$ or things to the skids other than child support...see if this is what they truly want. You cannot make a person have higher standards in their lives....if they really wish to be like BM then sometimes u have to let them go (provided they are old enough) and let them choose which life they want to lead...I always told my skids I would never force them to live with us, and every single once chose to live with us and love the lives they have now....JMO.....she showed her true colors, cuz she completely dropped out of their lives....which I will NEVER understand.....however, for right now it is the best thing for these kids

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

depends on there age. i think all in all they will see what their mommas are really like. when they are young they are niaeve and will love their parents unconditionally. my mom wasn't the greatest at times in her life but i can sit here today and say she is the most amazing woman in the world. it's a tuff call. i think if it comes down to their well being then you need to be with them. again, when they are grown their eyes will start to open and the truth will come out. they will probably love her regardless but that's ok, that's what love is. you be who you can for the skids...that's all you can do. if you are emotionaly torn and need a break then i say do what's best for you. sounds like you have your hands full so maybe it's not a bad idea. i really hope it works out of you. i'm sorry you have to go through this!

Actually I think one of my last blog posts where because of this. My SD is at times too difficult to handle, just yesterday my DH asked me if he did the right thing in getting her. We know that it is in her best interest to be with us. However, some days we feel like - shipping her to her mom and letting destiny take over. Instead of constantly going against the grain with her. She clearly hates it at our house and would rather live with her mom. Good luck. I think you should keep them, because you are what they need. Kids usually want what they can't have, or what is not good for them anyway.

I'm of a firm belief not to force any child. Whats the point of having one around if they are angry miserable beign at your home? Nope, they want to stay with mommy...go ahead...
My dh and i have done it. We dont have full custody but if the skids dont visit, too bad, we go on with our lives and after 2-3 months they come running and realize who has the better environment.
In the end, they love their mother, regardless of what a loser she is..ie drugs, bad behaviour, bad talking ete..etc.... The kids know who the real loser is but they are torn because of loyalty and love. When they grow older, most realize this and have a good relationship with the op....
I say depending on teh age, let them go. If they are above 12, ship them to mom , and as you wrote, let mom do EVERYTHING FOR THEM. See how long this lasts.

I'm with Angel72. Let them go. And when they come crying to come back, I'd tell them, "Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it." Kids don't know what's best for them but they have to be taught a lesson and this is a lesson that they need to learn. You better think decisions through because the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And secondly, they're disrespect shouldn't be tolerated. What does your DH say about it? I'd let them know it's not just your dad taking care of you, it's me too.