SD Birthday
So SD birthday was yesterday she turned 14 years.. DH went to work and came back and told me all he did was called her and spoke with her.
I asked him if that was all he planned and he replied yes I told him to carry her for ice cream and cake and spend some time with her etc even carry her to a nice restaurant for dinner but he said her mom already cooked her dinner and bought her cake and ice cream... I then replied that he should of atleast go spend an hour or two with her..
Probably after thinking about it he got up and told me he's going to go pick her up and carry her for icecream and cake and she'll celebrate with her mom after..
But he called her cousins who is around the same age as her and carried them with him.. she can't stand me and doesn't like me or my kids so we stayed at home thank God because me being there would of caused some big conflict with her tantrums or lies and she would of just been sulky the entire time..
The thing is I just can't understand why he would of carry her cousins with him to occupy his DD time instead of spend 1 on 1 time with her he always run from spending quality time with her alone he always has someone in the middle of them.. Nevertheless during the so call birthday the girls apparently went in a corner by themselves and he called me to keep him company because he was sitting by himself..
But when SD was walking his direction he told me I'll call u when I drop her off and hung up and he didn't call back until he dropped her home and she was out of the way lol so strange.. when he returned I asked him if he even had a conversation with her and he said no not really because she were mostly taken up with her cousins and all they did were take a few pics together..
I honestly don't understand why he would always put people in the middle of them and not spend 1 on 1 time with her also its been the first time since I have seen her been so happy and relaxed and herself it's also the first time he has carried her out without my kids and I..
What are your thoughts on this guys ?
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Comments
maybe he wants a buffer to
maybe he wants a buffer to avoid having to have deep conversation w/ her and to avoid fight w/ her over you?
Buffer Zone
He knows that at her age, all she really wants is her friends and people her age. My Dh has told me that fathers sometimes have a tough time with their daughters because of this. They are the providers but not so much the nurturers.
after thinking about it he
So not only did he not plan to see his daughter, he then decided to just, on the fly, do something without any regard to what BM had planned. He had called and not made plans so BM making plans should be expected. Even if it's his year to be with his child on her birthday, plans need to be made in advance.
His relationship with her is
His relationship with her is HIS responsibility, not yours to facilitate or help with. If he doesn't want a relationship with her, that's his problem. And if she's nasty and a pathological liar like you've said, then best keep her away from you and your kids as much as possible.
You know typical bitter BM
You know typical bitter BM and SD and in laws wouldn't look at it as just HIS responsibility they always tend to put the blame on us women like we're the cause/ fault that Dad doesn't have a relationship with DD in their minds we're always responsible for the downfalls of DH..
And to be honest I have come to terms with the fact that she's being rebellious against her Dad because of the life he has chosen so I sympathize with her these days therfore my reasons for pushing him to spend time with SD hoping that it may create peace in her mind.
However keeping her away from me and my kids is definitely closure and healthy for her and I and my kids because they have no more patience with her .. that's why I never include myself in visits anymore and DH now visits outside our home.. Which DH rarely does
It's Their Relationship
My DH has a similar relationship with his kids. In the beginning, I thought it was odd and wrong and spent a lot of energy trying to change their dynamics, all to my detriment. He did not want to invite them to his retirement party but it was me (in the background) who kept pushing it. So wish I had just let him manage that himself because the retirement party is where his kids' got their last but humiliating and destructive hit on me. Almost 4 years have passed and I haven't seen/spoke to any of them. If I could only go back in time. Sigh.
As someone said, it's your DHs job to manage his relationship with his kids. I wouldn't waste any energy on the topic. Learn from me. 12+ years trying and nothing changed in DH and kid relationships and I'm totally cut off from them (all adults). I do understand it's hard to sit by and watch but really, there is nothing you can do. Best to you.
I asked him if that was all
I asked him if that was all he planned.....
I told him to carry her for ice cream and cake and spend some time with her.....
I then replied that he should of atleast go spend an hour or two with her.....
Stop. You cannot force him to have the relationship with his daughter that you think he should have. Do not remind him of SD's birthday, a school activity, or anything else. He's an adult. He can program those things in his phone/computer or write them on a calendar. He can look up activities for the two of them to do OR he can ask SD what she would like to do. Let them figure it out on their own.
Your DH
It is his daughter, his relationship, and his responsibility. I say this because I used to be like you and "encourage" DH to do things with his daughter S22 Feral Forger, who sounds much like SD14. Lies, manipulations, just kind of a JERK. They dont get better they get bitter, lol, and no matter what you do to try to encourage your husband to maintain a positive relationship with these JERKS, you will always be blamed for their problems in life.
I say this from experience.
SD22 Feral Forger, has asked DH 3 times to move back in to her "old room" which is now my lovely little space with a fish tank and a writing desk and chair where I can watch sunsets. No way Im giving that up, even if we had a positive relationship. When he told her no, and you have to work things out with Clove, crickets chirped.
You see. There is this whole narrative that they have written about us and nothing will change that.
I definitely agree on leaving
I definitely agree on leaving him to sort out his relationship with his kid.. I just hope I don't look like the big bad wolf on the end..
Thank you guys for these advice..
You are not the 'big bad wolf
You are not the 'big bad wolf'. This is HIS child and he should know her much better than you. He has NO excuse for not doing any of the following:
IOW, it's time for him to be an adult and parent.
It sounds like there was a
It sounds like there was a Lull in his birthday visit with SD and he needed you to fill the void...but only until she was able to re-engage with him. Then you weren't needed anymore, so "click" goes the cell phone! He sure wouldn't want to kill the mood with her by letting her know that he was talking to YOU on the phone on HER special day! That might have made her feel like she wasn't the center of his universe and THAT would destroy her!