As I wrote my first entry last night, I tried to be as clear and factual. I don't want to muddy waters and seek validation, nor to be carried on shoulders of intelligent people also here to speak about their own issues as a stepparent. I had the privilege of some helpful comments, some insightful ones, and ...others (lol). That is the venue we are in here and I appreciate it for what it is.

More back history:
I raised my sons solo 24/7. Instead of falling apart when their bio dad walked, I chose to live. I went back to post-secondary for training in my now second career. We joined our local karate dojo and my eldest & I achieved our black belts in Shotokan several years ago. We did family. We laughed. We cried. We grew. They are A+ students. They play sports. Do they f*** up? Yep. Absolutely. They're kids. Do I f*** up? Yep. Absolutely! I'm an adult. But we knew we had the core of our family bond and having weathered the years of their dad and his actions, we will always have a bond that won't break.

My husband (back when he was my boyfriend) believed us to be exclusively involved. I, however, wasn't operating under the same belief and was dating several men at the same time. I had ended my tumultuous common law relationship with my bio sons' father and after ten years of that, hell, I was a kid in the candy store! Toss in an unhealthy view of men at that time and I was *only* wanting frivolous enjoyment.
When my husband (then-boyfriend) found out that I wasn't exclusive with him, he was devastated. He had way more emotion attached to the relationship than I did, and following on the heels of his ex-wife having cheated on him, it set him back. To this day, he still clings to that from eight years ago, insisting that I, too, cheated on him. I see it differently, considering we never had THAT talk of being only one-on-one

During our counselling sessions following the separation I had asked for, it came out (his thoughts that I cheated) in a controlled environment, and he confessed the depth of the pain and alienation that he felt from that. Whereas I didn't (don't?) hold the same perception, I gave my husband the empathy he or anyone, deserves. In turn, while I finally had my voice to discuss the depth of pain I had within myself from the way the marriage had been going, he was equally responsive.

I was able to get out most of the ugly I had within EXCEPT for the way I feel about his son. My husband is soooo super sensitive about his kid(s) that it's a variable minefield to navigate and have any type of constructive discussion. He knows I dislike the son so I can understand the want to stalemate any verbal exchange on the topic. I get it. But it doesn't help.

The rules of engagement between our sets of kids have been vastly different. My husband used to demonstrate carte blanche on extending parenting advice, critique, exuding vast knowledge on the subject - one that he only participated in 10 days a month at that time. If I passed a judgement, suggestion, or observation on HIS kid(s), it was met with disdain. He'd tell me numerous times in fights that THEY have parents and they don't need ME. After months of trying to bring a cohesiveness to this combined family, I gave up. Fast forward to present day, and now he single parents the son who is giving him karma by the bus load and I do not get involved or offer solace. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice...

As I previously stated, I am a horrible schmuck for not feeling love toward the s-son who lost his mom 17 months ago.
I tried.
Lord. I tried.
I tried to love that child the four years prior to the death of his mother to alcoholism. When I couldn't love, I simply tried to like him. When I've given him an inch, he's walked on me and/or walked on my kids.
There has always been a feeling of malevolence from that child. The damnedest thing is that he is scholastically smart but plays "dumb" when it comes to day-to-day life and things he does. He knows how to manipulate his dad, and he sure as hell knew how to manipulate his mom! There were countless times she would phone my husband and ask him to discipline the kid over the phone because he wouldn't listen to her and/or challenge her and/or exhibit disdain for her. My husband laughed at it, gleeful, that his Precious Son was too much for her and she needed his help. Now, when the kid is defying him at every turn, lying, stealing, giving him the same disdain, my husband is aghast and 110% blames his dead ex-wife. It's alllllllll her fault. None of it is his.

My tongue bleeds from chewing on it most times.