Too picky or settling?
My heart hurts this morning because I look at my husband and don’t see him through the eyes that I once did before. My husband is a nice man but doesn’t do what it takes to keep a family together (in my opinion). My issues with his family and my step son all ultimately stem from him and his lack of ability to take control of situations. My brother in law and his girlfriend live with us because we were all going through a financial situation that deemed it necessary to become housemates. After our last fight, I feel like I don’t belong in my home. They write there names on all of their food with sharpie instead of just communicating with us which is all we wanted. It hurts that my husband was the one who miscommunicated but I had to be the one to fix it between us and them. It didn’t really work but I feel like if I had his support, we could’ve been more successful. He isn’t the dad I thought. When I met him I thought he was so intelligent and natural at being a parent but somehow I see him in the opposite light now. He speaks to his son with these big words that don’t even make sense in the context that he’s using them. So...no wonder his son misbehaves the way he does. He doesn’t know any better. He Only parents him the right way (bed time, food choices, limiting electronic devices, etc) when I say something. Meaning if I say something today, he will honor it but by tomorrow everything will go back to normal. Additionally, he got a bonus check from work and I heard him telling his mother he would buy her a new car. In a way, it makes sense because it would save him the time, effort, and money of ALWAYS having to lend her his car. But at the same time, I wish he could just take a step back away from her and taking care of her and focus on building with his own family. We could really use this money to get back on track. I just don’t trust his decision making skills at all. Just to vent further, he never picks up after himself ever. There’s four adults in the house and he’s the oldest one but you will ONLY ever see his personal belongings all throughout the house. It’s embarrassing and not to mention stressful that I constantly have to pick up behind him while everyone else seems capable. I even have to remind him to take a shower on most days, as sad and embarrassing as that is to say. I’m scared about what life will be like with him in the long run. Whenever we argue, he threatens to go to the casino (a place we both agreed he is never to go to based on the fact that he has proven he cannot handle it and wasted our money on more than one occasion). He doesn’t have healthy coping methods and just doesn’t seem to have the mindset of a grown man at all, to me. On the contrary, he is a sweet and honest man. He typically does what makes me happy regardless of the consequences. I know he loves me. That’s less of the issue. It’s just more of the way he chooses to handle life. For a while, I was happy with the idea of just helping him grow. But now I feel like I constantly have to play the bad guy when I have to remind him to pick things up, not lend people money, set proper boundaries etc. Are these normal issues that couples over come? I want a partner, not a man that uses his past as an excuse as to why he doesn’t know anything about being a man.
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No, normal couples don't deal
No, normal couples don't deal with gambling problems and lazy slob behavior. But that's irrelevant. You can't trust his decisions. You can't help him "grow." If he wanted to make better decisions, he would. You. Cannot. Change. Him.
You are not being too picky. He and his dysfunctional family will drag you down and use you up.
Thank you for responding. I
Thank you for responding. I feel like I’ve been made to feel like all this is normal as my husband says I should “compromise” and uses the excuse that “family helps family”.
People who have grown up in
People who have grown up in severe dysfunction tend to believe it's normal. But asking you to accept craziness and dysfunction is NOT normal. He is using you because they all use each other. Their dysfunction will never end. I'm sorry, but I hope you choose your own happiness and remove him from your life.
You described it perfectly.
You described it perfectly. Thank you!
This isn't normal. It sounds
This isn't normal. It sounds like he needs a mother more than a wife.
Not normal
You should get out, he doesn’t want to improve himself. It going to be a life time of this
you are going to leave at some point. Do it now
Gambling problem in past +
Gambling problem in past + threatening to go to casino = red flag. If he were my husband I'd encourage him to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and I'd attend the spouse group of GA. You can attend the spouse group of GA even if your husband does not.
I'd be furious if my husband bought his mom a car before he dealt with our financial issues. He's enabling mom at your expense. If Mom can't afford a car, she shouldn't have one.
The labeling food wouldn't bother me as long as they left mine alone.
Your problem is that he is not growing. Whether or not he has the capacity to grow or not is what needs to be determined. Counseling might help you determine this.
Thanks for your advice. That
Thanks for your advice. That’s very true, there is no evident growth after all this time.
Love isn't enough to make a
Love isn't enough to make a relationship work. It seems like it should be, but it's not.
There is a big difference between helping family and enabling. They all sound a bit dysfunctional and co-dependent. Don't let him make you think that it's all normal and that YOU are the one who is unreasonable.
Threatening to go to the casino when you argue is emotional manipulation and can get quite exhausting, especially with everything else.
I don't think you are being too picky because you want a true partner. Relationships are not always easy but they should not be continuously draining, either.
Thank you I needed to hear
Thank you I needed to hear that! That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling: drained. I also have been questioning myself and whether or not I’m a good person because of all of this. But it’s good to know that my feelings do actually make sense to others. He always says that if we asked anyone else about whatever we’re arguing about, no one would agree with me.
That last line right there is
That last line right there is major manipulation. I bet if you did told him you talked to someone else and they agreed with you he would be pissed that you talked to someone else about it and "made him look bad". Emotional abuse is no joke. I lived with it for 10 years and never felt as relieved as I did when I got out of that situation. I lost everything I owned buy my son and it was so worth it. I would do it all over again. Peace of mind is priceless.
So many of us have have been
So many of us have have been saddened to see our partners for who they really are once the love goggles come off, myself included.
When we marry, we are essentially betting on a horse,. Except instead of thinking critically, vetting the horse thoroughly, looking at its track record, it's bloodlines, the success of its trainers, etc, too often we fall for the superficial beauty and the heady, hormone-driven pull of attraction.
Life is hard enough without being tied to someone who keeps sabotaging things. You've described a man who is unwilling to overcome his dysfunctional origins, is a crappy parent, terrible with money, manipulative, and a poor communicator. He is a non-custodial parent, which means he'll likely be financially strapped for many years to come. He has a track record of bad decisions and sounds quite immature. That he thinks buying his mother a car while you can't even afford to live independently is prudent speaks volumes.
Have you bet on the wrong horse? Listen to your gut, not your heart, and do what's best for YOU.
I agree. Very well said and
I agree. Very well said and definitely puts things in perspective. Thank you!
You have had so many replies
You have had so many replies that are spot on with their assessments of where you are and what you should do. Having recently taken the leap and left my now X I find myself looking back to when we first met. I remember saying to a friend that he was a sweet kind man but his judgement seemed poor- I didn't trust my Xs decision making skills either and I think he realised I'd found him out very early in the relationship, so he stopped telling me anything. He did not want to 'grow' or learn anything from being with me- he was cowardly and incompetent in so many things. He didn't want or need my help and in the end I had to leave him in that damaged environment that would always have been toxic to me. Think carefully about what you want for yourself- but like many others, it won't be with him.