A lot of you have read my story before. About six months ago SS9 said at school that I had hit him and child services came upon us. It wasn't true, but that didn't keep anyone from hating me. SS9 also said that I had made him eat vomit, I had thrown his clothes out of the window and that I continued to hit him every time they are at my house. He assured child services that he was 100% scared for his life and that he didn't want to come to my house.

His mother, whom I had managed to have a good and even friendly relationship with up to then, believed everything he said and decided to get me fired from my job at a kindergarten. Then I wasn't allowed to see the boys for about 3 months while CPS investigated our case.

After a while, CPS understood that this was a damaged child, but it wasn't because of me. The kid had a lot of issues because of his parents' break up and blamed me for it. However, his mother had just shacked up with her new bf and his two children and had made SS9 change to another school which was closer to their new home. All of these things affected SS9 deeply and that's why he was causing so much trouble.

He's now in therapy and getting lots of help. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and some type of emotional disconection as well. He is seriously screwed up and the pshychologists say that he won't get any better for many years (about the emotional disconection) but want to treat the ADHD with meds.

The problem is that after all that has happened, noone has come to apologize to me for destroying my life. BM swears that her son never said that at school, and that it was the school nurse who invented all those things. She also thinks that it is not her fault that SS9 is screwed up because she had a right to redo her life after the break up, (which I agree with, but not at the cost of her son's health - but how was she to know that that would happen?) In any case, I wish that someone (other than our family therapyst) would acknowledge the fact that my life was close to destroyed because of this child. I think that I'm still angry and really can't move on and I get provocked by the smallest issues. I can't stand him anymore, no matter what he does and I'm having a lot of trouble accepting him in my house (where he's supposedly so cared to go to). Now every time he walks through the door I feel literally sick. I get nausiated and I start crying without a reason.

All the therapy we have gotten during the last year has helped a lot, but I need closure. I need to know that these people understood my pain and regret doing what they did. In the end, BM did me a favor because since I got fired from the kindergarten, I went and got myself a job as an architect which is what I'm educated in. Why wasn't I working in that in the first place? Well, I've only been living in this country for about 2 years. I met my husband on a trip and we got married very spontaniously and quickly. Then I moved here and I didn't speak the language so I had to take the first job available and that was the kindergarten. So yes, I'm thankful because she made me get my ass in gear, but she won't acknoledge that her children hurt me. She wants me to put up with it and not say a word. She wants me to have all the responsibilty of being a mother but without the authority, the respect and of course without any love.

As for SS5, I have to say that he was my favorite. I had a great time with him in the beginning. We were good friends and loved eachother and I always took really good care of him. Not that I didn't want to do the same with/for the others, but they didn't let me. SS5 did. The problem now is that he gets manipulated by SS9 so he has begun to lie as well. He said that I hit him in Disney Land last year and he says that he also is scared of coming to my house. What sucks is that now I actually give them reasons to be scared. I can't help it. I'm acting like an 8-year-old out of frustration and behaving worse than they are. I just can't stand them. They make me sick.

And then there's SS16. He's another story. He lives with us because his mother is a piece of work. He's from a different mother than SS9 and SS5, and she's even worse than this one. She's a nutcase. She has 3 kids with 3 different fathers and she gave them all away about 8 years ago because she had a new bf and he didn't want her to have kids. If you ask me, the man is a genious. How do I make my DH get rid of his children? No idea...

Anyway, this woman is my worst nightmere. She keeps sending me horrible sms telling me that I should die, that I should kill myself, that I need to be history in her sons's life etc... without any reason. I know SS16 hasn't gone to her and lied to her about me. They have very little contact and he absolutely hates her. So where are all of these messages coming from? My guess is from SS9 and SS5's mother. They used to hate eachother but I guess now they have someone in common to hate, so they have become allies. This is torture. My problems with SS16 aren't bad. He's actually a pretty good kid for 16, but he's a teenager and I'm 28. Not old enough to be his mother, not young enough to be his friend. It leaves me in a strange position but I'm dealing with it.

Then there are the cultural differences. I'm afraid that if I get started on that, I won't be able to stop, but just to summarize it: It's difficult. These children have no discipline and no respect for their elders. They do as the wish, eat what they want when they want and talk to their parents as if the parents were f....ng morrons. It is totally different from how I was brought up and I have a hard time accepting it. I have therefore made rules for the house and created discipline and harmony and there you have it. That's the main reason why they hate me.

DH is awesome. When we're alone, everything is great. I really love him to death, but he comes with way too much baggage. Sometimes I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. I'm going insane.... We're trying therapy, we have read all the books there are to read, we have taken all the good advice in the world but things just don't feel to be in place. The problem is no longer the kids. The problem is me. I don't want them. I don't like them and I don't know how to deal with them. I can't even describe how I feel...

Any thoughts?