I called mobile crisis and the therapist on the phone was amazing. She immediately recognized SD13 was manipulating and attention seeking and gave me advice and reassurances, which helped me immensely. I was at a loss, really, of what to do; do I get on to her or should I just tiptoe sort of thing.

The mobile crisis said I'm doing everything right, including having a private (from SD and RL people) place to just vent my own frustrations and moments and anger so I can be there for her through this. She said the worst thing I could do would be to disengage since I function as her mom for nine years. I thought maybe it would be better for her if I stepped back, but the mobile crisis said no, SD13 would just say "SEE NO ONE LOVES ME A SECOND MOM LEFT ME JUST LIKE BM!" so I am standing by SD13 through the hard times. (I may really bitch here sometimes to get through it!)

SD13 had to talk to the woman and got all upset and angry "see that's why I don't talk to you; you don't listen; you don't care; you don't understand"... boy that was annoying, but I pushed through. She said "why don't you listen or care or understand" and I was profound!

I said, "SD13, I have heard everything you have said to me or to other people, you simply do not like my answer"... she said "HUH" so I explained to her that she has been trying to manipulate me to give her that pity that she is sapping from friends and friends' parents, but instead of giving her what she WANTS, I am giving her what she NEEDS and THAT is real love and understanding.

I explained, again, the term 'attention seeking' and 'manipulation'. We came up with another term to use "need-filling behavior" instead of attention seeking because that term really upsets her and no matter how many times we explain the meaning clinically, she still hears it as us calling her "drama queen".

She finally accepted that she is manipulating. She finally admitted she is doing this with friends and with adults, and she said she doesn't know why or realize it when doing it, which I believe.

Last week, she wrote down things she felt she needed from me, and reading it looked like a care plan for a 6 year old child. So, being that is how old she was when she was sexually and physically abused, we (mobile crisis lady and I) discussed sort of "rebuilding" SD13 and treating her essentially that age emotionally.

I will treat SD13 just like I did when she was in kindergarten and first grade to an extent, obviously I won't be bathing her, but I will return to reminding her to brush her teeth for a while, the facebook is gone, etc. Not forever, just a bit to get her filling that hole inside her that she is being an "emotional vampire" on everyone trying to fill that emptiness.

It's easy to dump her, but I won't. I may get overwhelmed and think about getting away, but I won't. I made the decision and took on the action of functioning as her mother in locum and I will not give up on her, even as hard as it is right now and as upsetting as it is to me to hear that she is sort of mini-bashing me to people. **I know, I'm doing that here, but this is annanymous(lul get it) and not with people we know.

I feel so much more competent and stronger since talking to mobile crisis, I don't feel so helpless and confused on how to deal with her now.

I know she is really screwed up emotionally and mentally because of her trauma that we didn't find out about, even though I had talks with her almost monthly, literally, all through elementary school.

Not only did I feel helpless and frustrated, but guilty for not having caught it. There were signs, and I actually really pushed her once when I had a bad feeling, but she swore up and down no one ever hurt her in any way. IN FACT, she had some rectal bleeding and I took her to the doctor and had her examined and it was proven to be from "large hard stools", she took stool softener and it stopped, but I even asked the doctor if there was any chance of trauma or anything I should worry about and the doctor said she saw no trauma and the blood was definitely from the large hard stools and the doctor asked her if anyone touched her or hurt here in her private areas and she said no, so I know I truly did everything possible to protect her in elementary school and to fish out any possible problems. I still can't help but feel guilty for not KNOWING and SAVING HER. God only knows what went through her head when he was hurting her; did she cry for me? When she came home and cuddled on the couch and was acting upset, did she think in her mind that she wanted me to figure it out and save her? I thought she was upset because she was missing BM.

Now I am going to be strong and firm and get her to stop the manipulation for pity and try to get her to develop healthier relationships where she's not an emotional vampire. She sees a specialist therapist soon as well as a child psychiatrist. SHe will be diagnosed appropriately and hopefully begin DBT.

As for DH.. he has not coped well. He feels responsible and guilty and he doesn't know what to say to her and he gets agitated and upset, he has no where to let it out like I do here. I am still doing the primary parenting, but it's okay, it's been this way nine years. However, now, I am asking him to do specific things, sit with her, play xbox with her, listen when i need to just bitch about her. It's overwhelming him bad too.

Part of my plan to rehabilitate SD is holding her every night on top of family dinners and doing card games or board game after dinner or talking. I started tonight and held her for 30 minutes on the couch. First, she crawled on my lap and laid her head on my chest and cried. Then she snuggled. Then she started watching the show. Then she laughed and smiled. She smiled the rest of the night. Even if I am just feeling UGH with her and frustrated, I am still able to do family dinner at the table and the cards, game, or TV show after dinner with us as a family already, so adding this step in there will be doable.

It's going to be a long, difficult road. Three therapists think it is either Attachment Disorder or Borderline. Either way, I am seeking counseling myself to help me cope and I'll be blogging my ugly feelings here, as usual, so I can have self-control, patience, and be calm and understanding in real life.

Thank you to all that have responded in the previous blogs and updates and to those out there that read this and listen. It feels really overwhelming and daunting and I hate to admit it but I even feel resentful that its taking away from the pregnancy, birth, and infancy of my only biological child, but I am admitting that feeling and dealing with it.

At least I have a tiny glimmer of hope and confidence now moving forward.