Hmmmmmmm....well, I am sure that he HAS gotten rid of all traces now that you were gone. That's too bad.

Do you know anything about computers? Did you know you can install a keylogger program so you can see exactly what they are doing on the computer even if they delete history etc?

Are you going to see the counselor again? I would definitely use this topic for discussion. He broke your trust. Even if he repairs it, it will never be the same trust as it was.

If he seriously was not doing anything wrong and just out of couriosity or whatever, he shouldn't have a problem with having an "open book" policy with you. That means, you know the passwords for his FB, email, phone and whatever and can check them when you feel the need to. But don't go down the trap of getting obsessed about checking stuff. If that ends up being the case, then there is no chance for your relationship because there is absolutely no trust.

>Gawd men are SOOOOO stupid. Fess up ! The truth shall set you free !<

Or give you a turbo jet-pack ride straight to the dog house LOL

Lying is the biggest deal breaker for any relationship. If a guy actually wants his girl to dump him; LIE, LIE, LIE!...about everything!

GF: "Do you have the time?"
MAN: *Looks at watch* "Nope" *walk away*

I don't like lies.

It always makes me feel that if they will lie about something small or really insignificant than they will definitely lie about something bigger.

I am not sure if he was trying to connect with her or not but I guess now you will always wonder. :?

I think you over reacted. Looking someone up on FB or googling their name isn't a huge deal. Unless you have reason to suspect he's actually cheating on you then its not a huge deal.

I am not one to automatically trust.

But I have looked up info on an ex with absolutely no intention of starting anything. In fact I looked up the man who has stalked me in the past. But I did NOT contact him nor would I ever.

But trust your gut. It is rarely wrong.

Looking her up on Facebook, not too big a deal. But two other things kind of concern me:

1) the real crime was trying to reconnect with her by replying to her spam email and asking her how she was doing, followed up by creeping her on the Internet when she didn't respond back.

2) you say he has a history of infidelity.

I would just proceed with caution and decide if you think you can trust this man. You know him best and will know if he's really changed his ways. I do think some men can.

we women have a sixth sense and we don't need to find evidence on a computer to know if a man is cheating. We usually know on some level because we notice every little behavioral change in him, no matter how subtle. So I think you probably know he's not cheated on you, physically, but he was emotionally unfaithful and you have a right to be mad.

I feel for you and I'm not surprised you're wondering what the hell he's up to. My dh did something similar a few months after we got married, only he ended up having full-on conversations over FB with his ex.

We live a long way from his hometown so he keeps up with his old friends through FB, something which I encouraged so he could stay in touch with people. He told me one day that he'd had a message from an old female friend who now lived in another country, and I thought nothing more of it at the time. A couple of weeks later I started to feel something wasn't right because when he'd been in touch with old friends before, he'd shared things with me, like if they'd posted something funny or showing me old pics they'd posted etc, but after mentioning this woman once, he never mentioned her again. I knew that this particular ex of his had moved to that country and I started to wonder if she was just simply an old friend or something more. I asked him outright if she was just a friend or whether she was an old flame and he was defensive and insisted she wasn't an ex. I didn't believe him so I snooped on his FB and found that they had indeed been much more than friends. There were long messages going backwards and forwards between them, most of it innocent catching up on what they were doing now etc and talking about old mutual friends from years ago, but there were also more personal references, like him commenting on the make up and clothes she used to wear, remembering her birthday and mention of a weekend away they'd had together. She said something about the break up wasn't an easy one and that she realised after that she'd been very immature, and he actually apologised and said he was also in the wrong. He said he'd always wanted to see her or speak to her again and she said she'd always felt the same.

Needless to say, I was absolutely furious! I'm a placid, laid back sort of person but I totally lost my temper and told him that if he ever did that again I could guarantee I would be divorcing him. It was especially hurtful as I'd been going through intense therapy for past abuse issues and he knew I was insecure about his exes as he'd told me far too much information about his past exploits when we were first together and because of my past abuse and all the emotional problems and loss of self esteem that comes with it, I felt second best to these "exciting" exes for a long time. He admitted that he didn't tell me she was an ex because he knew how insecure I was about his exes, but he still went and did it anyway. I felt totally betrayed and disrespected, specially as he was talking to her while I was at work, providing an income for him and his 3 kids who live with us.

I totally get that you're sacrificing a lot to deal with skids, skids bm, his financial problems and all the rest of the crap that comes with it because I feel the same. It's like we give, give, give and dh's just think it's okay to walk all over us and disrespect us despite everything we have to put up with, lying and doing things behind our back. They know if they do certain things it will hurt us but they still do it anyway and hope they don't get caught. My dh couldn't apologise enough when he realised how hurt and angry I was, and we had some couples counselling though had to stop because we couldn't afford to carry on. He accepted that I was angry with him and he accepted that I would be checking is FB and phone till I felt I could trust him again. I gave him hell for months and I did check them regularly and I made no secret of it. One condition I made clear was that he was to delete her and have no further contact with her and he did. I don't know whether he was deleting stuff but he's not very good with computers so probably wouldn't know how to wipe things off completely. It took a long time to trust him again and to get over it, and I know he wouldn't dare ever do something like that again.

I don't know whether you'll be able to get over this, specially if he has a history of cheating. It will take a long time before you'll be able to trust him again and he will have to accept that. I think for it to work you need to be very honest with each other. You deserve a proper explanation from him about what he was up to and he needs to know exactly how you feel. He cannot expect you to forget about something like this overnight and you need to be confident that he will not do something like this again. Keep up the counselling and discuss it as much as you need to in your sessions. You may be able to forgive him and trust him again in time, but it will be hard. I have forgiven my dh but will never forget what he did, and I don't think he will either.

I ageee fedup

"It was especially hurtful as I'd been going through intense therapy for past abuse issues and he knew I was insecure about his exes as he'd told me far too much information about his past exploits when we were first together and because of my past abuse and all the emotional problems and loss of self esteem that comes with it"

Boy does that sound familiar. I've told my husband that if he ever cheated it would be the same as if he just punched me in the gut. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. And I would consider cheating on me to be emotional abuse. I wouldn't give any man a second chance who sucker punched me - physically or emotionally. I've BTDT - learned my lesson.

While I admit I am totally hypocritical here, I look up ex’s all the time. Just for curiosity sake because I would NEVER, EVER want to be with one of them. But for example, the first love that I had ended up getting heavily into drugs (largely the reason we split) but I still google him sometimes just to see if he is still alive.

On the flip side, I totally do not trust my husband. He has been sneaky before, and in the very beginning stages of our relationship (when I thought we were exclusive, guess he didn’t) he slept with a girl. Why the H*LL I stayed I’ll never know because turns out that years down the road stuff like that STILL hurts, and still effects our marriage.

Another time we had a mutual female friend that was known to be very friendly with other women’s men and she started to only text my DH instead of me. So I asked to see the texts and he refused!!!! It was a HUGE blow up and I finally left the house. I told him that if I walk out of this house without seeing those texts then I will never trust you again. He still refused. Made it into my fault, like I should just trust him no matter what, and if he showed me the texts then that would somehow degrade the trust we had (WTF). I left and went to my friends. He finally got me home and then said I could see the phone and the messages. I told him to shove it because he had the opportunity to delete them when I was gone. And honestly, what I said when I left the house still stands true, I do not trust him at all, but the worst part about the whole thing is I almost don’t care. He goes away for business and I almost hope that he cheats on me so I can finally be free. It is miserable to be in a marriage where there is no trust, but not any other real reason to leave.

He is also known to erase messages from BM or only talk to her at work. He has a work email that there is no way that I could ever have access to and I am almost positive that is the way that they communicate. I hate it and it leaves such a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Everyone always says open communication, have passwords and so on, but how could I do that when he has a secure work email. A few months ago we had a huge blow up because he told me that he was chatting on gmail with his BM. I FREAKED OUT. He said it was to keep the peace, gauge how she was doing so he could tell that it would be “safe” just in case the skids go back to her. I said F THAT. I asked him to show me the chat. He freaked out, didn’t want to do it, and acted all suspicious and crazy. Finally after a HUGE fight he agreed but I guess that he had turned off the feature a while ago that saves the chats so I wasn’t able to look at it. It again turned into my fault, HE said he couldn’t live like that and we needed to split up. All because I asked to see a chat. I said “great, let’s do it” and started to look at places to go. Of course then he turned all sorry and tried to fix it and I gave in like always.

There are many many more stories, some that I will not even share because they still hurt way too bad. The only thing that I can say is that I wish that I had a sliver of self confidence when I met him because then I NEVER would have dated him.