In my situation, this is not the case at all.

They did like BM, and SD was with her dad a lot so they could see her relatively often. So it wasn't so they could see SD.

BM is a manipulative, phony, major drama queen and my in laws are the same way, so of course they are drawn to her in a way they wouldn't be to me. She thrives off of drama, and I back away from it. She feeds into their crap, and I don't.

So I say, let them lay with the dog. Don't be mad when you get up with fleas.

~*~I'm THE wife. Not wifey or wife material or #2. THE WIFE~*~

i think it depends on your situation like you say. my mil is bi polar and i think truly is satan.

for me the problem is that her and bm never got along, in fact when i first started dating dh she always talked shit about her. mil was always nice and cordial with bm, as was everyone else. sometimes bm would call mil so that ss could talk to her, because before i made dh see what was happening, mil was sickly obsessed and close with ss.

for me the thing is, if bm is being a nasty crazy manipulative bitch to dh. If she is trying to cause problems, threatening court etc.....mil should have no contact with her. the son is her child, and if bm is causing problems for him, then outside of public social functions, mil and bm should have no contact...

if our bm and mil were not complete nut jobs, then i would not mind if they continued to have interaction. my mother always called my dads mom on birthdays and what not, and i dont see anything wrong with that...but then again i grew up with an ideal parent/step parent environment

My MIL keeps in touch with BM but its for her granddaughter. I don't take issue with it. I've got enough bigger things to worry about.

Good blog girley Q!

My inlaws and the rest of my husbands family do still see and talk to BM. They were never all wonderful, close friends.......but at the same time she was a part of their life for a long time and she is the mother of their beloved grandchildren. If they were nasty to her that would show me what kind of people they are. They respect her, she's been respecting them alot latley, and things go okay.

I remember not to long ago, a few Christmas's ago, BM was going to be home alone. Me DH and our kids were all going over to my IL's for dinner. We had the kids that year. BM's family actually told her she couldn't come over there because she was sick and they didn't want to get sick. I felt so bad for her.......there it was Christmas as she was all alone. I called her and asked her to come with us to his parents, they would love to see her and I would like for her to come! She said she wouldn't be comfortable, and that it would probably hurt her to see me and Juicey loving all on each other! I told her to c'mon, she knows me better than that....I would save the loving for later to spare her feelings. She still declined the invitation but I made sure the IL's called her and told her Merry Christmas.

I think that unless the BM is a psycho it's ridiculous to expect the IL's to not still want her in their lives. Divorce seperates the husband and wife, but the rest of the family didn't chose it!

My brother and my SIL are getting divorced. I love my SIL. I always will. If that upsets any girl my bro may get with in the future I'm sorry for her, but it won't change how I feel about my SIL. I will be nice and want a relationship with her as well...........but not at the expense of losing a girl that has been a part of my life for the past ten years.

(((hugs)))..........I so wish I knew you in RL!!

"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie

This is a toughie. I agree that it's all about balance and respect.

I guess my thought is, I can understand why it would be difficult to break off ties with a family member's ex. Especially if there were children. However, if I were a mother, and my child got divorced, I would recognize that there are lots of people's feelings to be considered -- including my child and that person's future SO. So in the future, I think that the new GF/BF, once it becomes obvious that it's a serious relationship, should be made room for and treated with the respect that she or he would have if she/he was the FIRST wife or husband. I can understand the ILs keeping in contact with the ex, but not at the expense of the new partner and the family member. That's for a lot of reasons -- but one of them is for the best chances of success of the new relationship. I mean, how can you expect it not to have a negative effect on the relationship when the new spouse feels completely left out and like she/he will never be accepted, because the old spouse is still in the picture?

What that means to me is, for example, when there is a new spouse, the old spouse should not be invited to events like Christmas, etc. unless the new spouse is quite comfortable with it. Because any FIRST wife/husband would expect that former girlfriends/boyfriends not be invited. Second spouses should never be treated as second-class citizens.

In general, my thoughts about most aspect of remarriage come down to this: the second spouse should be able to expect to be treated with the same decency and respect for their position as if they were the first spouse.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I talk to my ex's parents and little sisters as well, because I keep them updated on school stuff, pictures, and I have my son send them cards, etc. Me, his dad and his family all live in different states, so they never really get to actually see him They have only met him once when he was 2! My MIL stay in contact with BM because that is her only access to SS, they all live in the same town, we are out of state. Doesnt bother me one bit...only thing that concerns me is her telling BM stuff about us, so we limit the info we give MIL.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

I think the problems arise when the new spouse is treated as an outsider and with disrespect in favor of the BM. I, and many on here, have been snubbed, insulted, ignored, and sidelined in favor of the BM. In my case, it was DH's sisters. MIL loves me--BM never had the time of day for her.

In our case, BM tags along for every holiday. I am glad not to be there to see it. I have no problem with continued relationships but having to look at her face every occasion is too much for me. I don't understand why she doesn't have a life of her own. She barely tolerated DH's family while they were married. The kids are older and able to get there on their own.

We just did our annual visit, and miracle of miracles, the SILS are normal to me now. It literally is a miracle, an act of God, I am not joking.
Those women were vicious to me for three years.

They talked a lot about BM's lax parenting and disaster lifestyle. I didn't take the bait, though, and chime in, even though they are right. We only saw BM twice for two seconds when stopping by to see the kids. But MIL invited her to our family pizza get together. Glad she was too "sick" to come. Maybe she's getting a clue.

The only XIL's I have any dealings with are XI's father and SM. I think I will always be the "favorite" DIL but not just because I'm the mother to their grandkids but they all along believed I was too good for him and I made my place as a person to them not just as his wife. I can't imagine what my XMIL was thinking-though I know blood is thicker than water. Her own personal situation made it really hard for my teenagers to ever decide they wanted to be around her. I voice often that it is not my responsibilty for them to have a relationship with his family. It is no longer my "job". I did it well when we were married you decided someone was better suited (and hmm lol moment that seems not to have worked out either) so it will ulitmately be your own fault when they choose not to have said relatinships.

**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **

I totally understand what you mean Anon.

I have to admit the first time MIL said "oh yes I know I talked with BM a few wks ago." I felt burned by her, big time. So I asked why, did she call her. She said no, SD was spending the night at her house and asked to call her so she allowed it. MIL is a really sweet woman and just wanted to say hi. But it still burned, intill about 9 months ago.

When I had our youngest child SD and BS stayed with my MIL. MIL offered to take SD to BMs house since we would not be home till Monday night and SD needed to attend school.

MIL asked that address and took care of the for us. It was nice that they had at least a civil relationship so this was possible.

Of course they may have talked 4x in the last 7 yrs, not exactly a close relationship, but it is nice that they can get along. When we go to school functions MIL/FIL can go, and BMs father can come--no issues.

To close could be an issue--if they are turning on you but over all I think it is fine.