She's gotta be making this s*&% up.
A couple weeks ago BM yelled and screamed in one of her usual fits. She said that SD11 told her that DH always takes MY side on things and never hers. My first reaction was to be really hurt that she would say something like that. We have great relationship (or so I thought) and she has never acted up. Then I started to think about it. DH doesn't take sides PERIOD.....so where is this coming from? The only thing I can think of is that when I sometimes tell her its time to take a shower or go brush her teeth and DH will say "yeah...what SHE said". I don't consider that taking sides and neither does he, so maybe she misinturpreted it as an 11 year old might?
Another option is that her mom is down her throat and guidng her answers and twisting them to her benefit. OR MAYBE.....BM is making it all up. She told DH yesterday that SD "had a problem with" me going along with them shopping for school clothes. She HATES it when her dad takes her shopping. He doens't do so well standing outside the changing room for hours whereas I do and enjoy spending that time with her. She's always said she would rather me go than her dad. OR at least have me there.
DH and I have decided that we are going to talk to SD about it tomorrow night when we have her. I've urged DH to approach it with some finesse and not just outright DEMAND answers or make her feel guilty but to actually DISCUSS it with her and see what she's thinking or feeling so we can work it out. Hell, we don't know that she said any of that stuff to begin with. He agreed to go that route.....fingers crossed it will go well.
I have a feeling that she'll just cry and tell us what she thinks we want to hear and then we won't get anywhere. If there IS a problem, I want to teach her how to handle it and know that she can ALWAYS come to us with ANYTHING.
Am I psycho for feeling "motherly" toward her but then telling myself to stop because it's not my place?
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No, you're not psycho. As SMs
No, you're not psycho. As SMs we're often torn between what we feel, what's expected of us and the divide between what we think and feel and oftentimes the mixed messages we get. On the one hand, we're expected all of the responsibilities of a parent, but not the authority of one.
It's a balancing act. It seems like your DH backs you up and the two of you are good at communicating the issues and he is willing to bring that to the table in communicating them with SD. I have an SD11 and I think it might just be the age. They're coming on the very difficult time of adolescence when they become masters of pushing everyone around them's buttons.
I think you and DH are on the right track. You've just got to ignore BM and her stupid rants. What goes on in your house is none of her business. How you and DH choose to parent, as long as SD is in a safe, secure, nurtured, nourished and learning environment - you can tell BM to go fly a kite.
Have the sitdown with SD and see where it goes from there. I think your ideas on approaching it are good.
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