Who invited the BM? ;)
I have been spent the past two weeks furiously searching the web, hoping to find a place that I could go to share my story and recieve some sort of decent advice. I have been a lurker of this site on and off for about a year, just trying to get some insight into "the other side".
I am not a SM. I do, however, have an ex and together we have 8 year old twin boys. He has recently gotten married, so that means my boys now have a SM. (lol obviously). I have lurked around on other forums, some of which may be considered more appropriatte for my situation. What I found with most of them, and the biggest problem I had with them has been the fact the the members seem to give very one sided advice. Ie; they are on YOUR side, no matter what. This is a problem with my close friends and family as well. I know that they mean well, but sometimes I just want someone to tell me whether or not I am wrong. I want to be told if I am being unfair, taking something too personally, or just being generally stupid.
After reading on this site, I couldn't help but notice that most of the posters here are more than willing to tell you whether or not they think you are in the wrong. I like that. I also know that some of you are bio parents, as well as step parents and I think that the point of view from both sides would be extremely helpful to me.
If any of you think that maybe I am at the wrong place and think people would not be willing to tell me what they think based on my parental status, I will continue on in my search. I am having so many issues with my sons SM and am really having a hard time understanding why she does the things she does. I just want some opinions on how to ease the situation because I know that it is important for the well being of my boys.
Thank you if you took the time to read this and I will start with some history on my next blog.
- AntoniaSays's blog
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Comments
Welcome, and I think that as
Welcome, and I think that as long as you are careful about how you word things people will give you honest opinions! There are many of us, myself included, that are both BM's and SM's so we kind of get all sides.
Welcome to our twisted world!
Welcome to our twisted world! I am a BM and a SM so I too can see both sides to the situation. I hope we are able to give you some insight into the daily struggles we are constantly faced with. ASK AWAY!
It's awesome that you're
It's awesome that you're looking for help among "foes" as it were.
I think both SMs and well-meaning BM's have it tough and more often than not, it's the man who is the root of the problem.
For example:
SM is doing all the work and she's starting to resent it, which takes its toll through behavior that the BM has difficulty understanding.
BM has two choices: a) to either say something to her ex and make him step up, or b) keep her mouth shut and watch the relationship in that household turn dysfunctional
Option A will almost always invite trouble, because ex and SM will thinking that BM is butting in where she does not belong and trying to control what goes on in their house and cause tension between BM and EX+SM.
Option B won't invite trouble WITH the EX+SM but it will make things more difficult in roundabout ways, like inconsistency, lack of care for the child (because EX thinks SM will, but SM disengages), or issues with the child's behavior/feelings.
It would all be solved in the MAN (EX/DH) would step up and do his job, but more likely than not he won't, which causes the tension.
The issue is with communications, since most people have not ended things amicably with an ex, and therefore ANYTHING that is said will be taken as an attack, even if the person did not mean it to be so.
Which is why I'm just fond of option B. You do what you want at your house, I do what I want at mine (provided there is no gross neglect or physical abuse of the child.) Parallel parenting, not co-parenting (which rarely works anyway.)
It's a no-win situation. Catch 22.
Thicken up your skin for this
Thicken up your skin for this site if you are going to post as a BM and just understand that you will be getting some pretty harsh direct input from the SM side.
I am both BM and SM. Being an SM sucks most of the time - my bios also have an SM at their dads - I think being both before she came along gave me some insight to why she does or doesn't do certain things. My expectations of my bios' SM may be different just because I am also an SM to my DHs kids here.
Welcome.
Wow...thank you all for the
Wow...thank you all for the kind words and welcomes.
I will take all of your advice, especially on the way I word certain things. I understand how sometimes it is easy to get ahead of yourself, especially when you are trying to type out your feelings, and things may come out in a way you didn't intend them to or be taken the wrong way. I am not here to offend or attack anyone and I have no problem apologizing and trying to find a better way to explain certain things.
Just as a person, I am the type to just naturally try to see both sides of a situation. It's sort of a gift and a curse, i don't know. Not that I want to be all perfect or anything, I just realy don't like to hurt peoples feelings if I don't have to. And especially, since this can and probably will directly affect my boys, I think I will feel better knowing I really did try. Does that make any sense?
Anyway, I do really want honest opinions/advice. I will start on my next blog post now. It may take a few to bring everyone up to speed, but I want to do it quick because it seems that every hour or so there is a new development haha
thanks again!
I agree with the others. It
I agree with the others. It is great you are trying to understand her point of view by reaching out to others in similar situations. I am a SM and it is by far the most challenging thing I have ever done. And yes, be ready to receive some tough advice because this site is for stepparents to be able to be honest and vent. And on the flipside, I am the mother of 2 and I can't imagine them going to live part-time with another woman that I didn't necessarily agree with or have any control with their upbringing there. It's so tough...good luck!
I think there's a big
I think there's a big difference between stepmoms who are also biomoms, and stepmoms that have no children. I am also a SM (well, almost - wedding is in 3 months) without any kids of my own, other than a really spoiled dog and a crabby ass cat. There's a completely different set of experiences and emotions. No, I don't know what it's like to unconditionally love a kid just because they're mine. That's a huge thing. There's a lot bioparents can overlook simply because of biology and the bond that's created because of it. But, that also means I'm less likely to put up with crap which hopefully is a good thing for them down the road - I don't just give them a pass on things. I do realize that some of my issues with whatshername may be related to the difference in perspectives. The rest of the issues are because she's a loon, though.