Ok, this is my first blog. I've posted a couple questions in the forum but I'll give you a little background information first, please bare with me because I really need advice.

I met my DH a few months after he and BM divorced. She found out about me a few months later and then went crazy, she was never a peach but she had a restraining order on DH and within a week of finding out about me she dropped it and started trying to get him back. They have 2 girls together 5 & 7 at the time and now 8 & 10. She is manipulative, controlling, and a PASinator. Within 7 months of her divorce she had already gotten pregnant with another man's child and she was DESPERATE to get my DH back to take care of her and this new baby. It didn't work, she had already caused too much damage. However, she hadn't let her dream go. She told DH she would tell everybody it was his kid anyway and did give the boy my DHs last name.

We were married last May 2011 and she began filing court orders to get child support changed. She is notorious for making plans for DH to see the girls and then breaking her word at the last min. or adding some ridiculous condition, for instance, having us take her baby if we want to spend time with the girls. It's truly maddening.

I have stayed with my DH through all of this and he has been a very confused man. I have had to fight for my self-respect and dignity in ways that I never expected I would have to with the man that I would call husband. But the main reason I have stayed with and eventually married this man is because he responded, grew and learned how to put me first in his life.

My most recent struggle is with BM. At a game we were at I had addressed her to tell her something. She ignored me completely, turning and walking away with her nose in the air. I guess this is simply the straw that has broken the camels back for me. I have tried to avoid tense situations, I don't go to the girls IPPs or court dates or other "private" places, because I know my presence is weird and uncomfortable for her. So, I just don't go. Well, SD8 had to have 7 teeth extracted last Mon. and she was going to be put under anesthesia. Again, I did not go to the hospital however encouraged DH to do so. At that time BM's mom was there, at the hospital, but she only stayed in the room when DH was gone. Whenever DH came back to be with his daughter BM's mom would leave them alone. BM started talking about her personal dating life and asking questions about my and DHs attempts to have a child etc, etc.

So, she inquires about our life together to my DH but she will completely ignore me when I address her? Not to mention the years of hateful lies she's told about me and the awful things she has said about me and told the kids. Well, that did it. I'm doing nothing to alleviate her anymore. She has disrespected me in such a massive way that I could care less about her or her feelings.

It's as though she thinks there is some private sacred space still left for her in DHs life/heart. I again had to fight for my dignity with DH. I want her to know that he is no longer hers, there is NOTHING private about their conversations. Yes, they share kids and he has to deal with her, but that's not a private matter. When I explained this to DH, I used the example of me having to work with a man and I couldn't get out of it, and him lying about DH, shutting him out of conversations he has with me, and flirting with me behind DHs back. I told DH if there was a man who did this I would shut him down, I would begin having DH at every meeting and making it clear to my inappropriate business partner that he overstepped his bounds and had lost all "privacy" privileges with me. THAT is when DH really got my point. He needs to step up for me.

So I would love your thoughts and ideas on how to make it abundantly clear to BM where she stands.

These are my ideas:
-Have BM on speaker phone whenever she talks to DH and he will only talk with her when I'm around (but how to let her know I'm there listening to her too, because that's what I want, I want her to know she isn't having a private convo)
-DH stays with me at all times when BM is around and he is happy.
-Go to anything I want with my DH regardless of her feelings

I don't know but it feels COMPLETELY wrong for DH to pacify this monster while she spits in my face. I simply can't tolerate it.

DH hates BM and doesn't give her much attention, just the bare minimum. BM is a phenomenal rambler and can talk for an hour when what she really needs to communicate can be done in 5 min. DH is good about wrapping it up with her. I'm not jealous and I'm not threatened I'm just REALLY pissed off and can't tolerate her disrespect and I want my DH to stand up for me.

thanks for your help