A little rant about boundaries
And I don’t mean stepkid boundaries, I mean DHs ex!!!
DH and ex were together 12 years, never married, a wedding kept getting called off because of ex cheating. They split when SD8 was around 2yo.
There are no normal boundaries between them. It’s driving me up the wall. Especially now we have baby son and I don’t want him involved in all the codependent weirdness. There definitely isn’t anything *going on* between them but it’s just not right.
Example 1 - DH went on a work night out in the next town a couple of months ago. Rang ex to pick him up drunk. I trust him but in the eyes of anyone else that would be shady as f*ck. It’s embarrassing to have your husband do that.
Example 2 - ex walks into our home without knocking, DH walks into her home without knocking.
Example 3 - DH and I were sharing a car last year. When I was 8 months pregnant, said car failed its MOT and was off the road. I was getting stressed about how we would get to the hospital if I went into labour and DH’s first thought was “we can get *ex* to take us”. I said in no uncertain terms that it was NOT happening and he acted genuinely confused.
Example 4 - constant reminiscing. Ex: “remember when we…” I think she’s still into him and he sees it as harmless to reminisce about their daughter, but fuels it with things like example 1. He also refers to past events with her as “we” (“that’s what we did with SD”) which is so minor but as far as I’m concerned WE are the WE.
Part of the issue I know is that I hate confrontation and tend to keep quiet to keep the peace. Being new to the stepfamily dynamic I've felt like I can't really comment on DHs previous relationship, but it's affecting me now. DH is more vocal but it’s as if I have to get visibly angry to be heard when it comes to ex.
Another problem is she’s very polite and nice to my face (don’t know if this is the same when my back is turned but honestly who cares). Which further fuels my inclination to keep the peace but also feel like she’s taking the piss.
I know these things need addressing and I’m really up in my own head about how to handle it. It must be confusing for SD8 too??
As time goes on I’m just getting more tired of it and if things don’t change it’ll drive me insane.
Rant over. If anyone has any words of advice/solidarity would be appreciated!!
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Comments
Between this and your blog
Between this and your blog about him cosleeping with his daughter, your DH has some serious enmeshment and lack of boundary issues. It's not right of him to subject you to any of it. But. This seems to be who he is as a person. I know because i've lived similar. The part about how you have to get visibly mad to get any change at all really resonates with me. My SO has come a long way but i had to become such a bitter b-word to get to this point, and we're still not where we need to be for me to feel comfortable moving in together. Since you have a child, i would suggest couples' therapy.
You don't mention your DH's family of origin, but something tells me there's generational dysfunction. Even if not, it's going to take a lot to tackle HIS dysfunction. And he has to see the need to change and want to change.
DH's family is chaotic and he
DH's family is chaotic and he spent some time in foster care as a young teen (mum struggling, dad AWOL). I can see how this contributes to how he parents SD and can't say no to her. We both decided that our son won't have contact with them. DH's relationship with ex was very codependent, very love-hate/fiery. Which is the exact opposite of our relationship which is 99% of the time super calm and easy.
I agree with Rumple that
I agree with Rumple that counseling would be the best route to go here, as these situations often do not resolve without a trusted third party pointing out how unhealthy this is.
The Disneyland dad I used to
The Disneyland dad I used to deal with was very similar to this.
Going inside his ex wife's house, letting his ex wife call or text him 24-7, letting his wife appeal to his emotions (running guilt trips, coercing him into search and rescue missions for her sick dad, expecting him to bail her out of her financial problems, etc), letting her use those kids as emotional bait to keep him at her Beck and call
Unfortunately it took me leaving (because no amount of talking about it / addressing my concern and disagreement with his behavior would actually change his behavior) for him to get the point that I'm not about to sit her and be part of his sister wife delusions
Most times they operate out of guilt, laziness, comfort, and being "too nice" to set FIRM boundaries as they should
Any man who truly values you will make it clear their past will not come at the expense of current relationship
He acting a mess because he can ... now you have a kid with him and he knows you ain't going nowhere
I was getting stressed about
LOL!!!!
He's confused you won't live in his delusional fantasy world where you and all his exes live in peace love and harmony together
I'd reject that offer too ... I'd call an uber, an ambulance, a neighbor, heck ANYONE else before I let some meddling ex into my most vulnerable and important moment of my life
I would crawl to the hospital
I would crawl to the hospital on my hands and knees before riding to the hospital to give birth with my husband and his other babymamma like some kind of sister wife.
"Sister Wife" is the term.
"Sister Wife" is the term. That's a whole other post!
I think you need to have a
I think you need to have a calm sit down about this.
So, BF, I know that it's nice that there isn't a hostile feeling between your EX and you, but as your partner, I'm not comfortable with having an overly close relationship with your EX. It's one thing to be civil and make decisions in the best interest of your shared child, it's different for me to feel like she is an active part of our household.
I'm not comfortable with you using her as your UBER ride.. not when you overdrink on a work trip .. shoot, I'm not particularly comfortable with you going out partying when you are supposed to be out of town working... I also need for you both to put a stop to entering each other's house without notice. I do not want to look up and see your EX in our home with no warning. I also wish you would be more mindful of the fact that it might be hurtful for me to constantly have you bring her up in conversation. I get you have a shared history, but would you appreciate me talking about MY exes all the time? I;m prety sure no. Again, I am trying to have a good relationship with your ex.. for the sake of harmony and for the sake of your daughter, but please don't mistake my kindness for an interest to have our household overly enmeshed with hers.
We understand how you feelw
And your feelings are correct. Once a ex they should not. Interfere with your life. Unfortunately DH wasn't ready for a new relationship. He's still not out of his old relationship. You must lay down the law. DH must stop this ex nonsense. No communication between ex and DH. Only about SD and by text that are saved. No phone calls. No going into eachithers homes You must stop thus now
This is not about his X. This is about your SO being an idiot.
This is not about his X. This is about your SO being an idiot. He is enmeshed with his failed family and you do not have to say a word to his X about it. However, if I were you I would have my foot so far up his ass about this that he could read the brand of my trainers with his tongue.
Right now let him know that she will not enter your home. Ever again. You live there, you can set and enforce that boundary. Also let him know that he does not enter her home. For damned sure, he does not call her when he is drunk and he needs to understand that if he chooses to test you on any of this he will find himself not living with another of his children and be on the hook for Child Support for yet another kid.
Since he does not make you, your relationship, and your STB baby a priority, he gets zero say in shit for anything other than to do exactly what you tell him to do when you tell him to do it.
This is not confrontation, this is the reality that he has earned forcing you to defend yourself, your home, and your child from this idiot and his baggage.
Grrrrr.
Take care of you. Take care of the baby.
Good luck.
Further on his X entering your home crap. We were in Texas. If my SS's POS SpermIdiot had ever set foot on our property much less entered out home, I would have not been the first one to pull the trigger. My bride would have dropped him in his own shadow before I could do it. He had several gun violations as part of his gang banger wannabe bullshit fantasies so we had a built in excuse to end him as a threat if he had ever showed up at our home.
Even his eldest of 4 all out of wedlock kids by three different baby mamas, my SS, put him up a wall by his throat with the clear message that if SS had to come back to deal with the SpermIdiot over the crime crap pulled by SS's younger half sibs at the SpermIdiot's behest, that it would not go well for the SpermIdiot.
Tolerate no bullshit from this idiot ball-less failed man, failed father, and failed partner. Keep your foot up his ass and abide none of his bullshit and idiocy.
IMHO of course.