Haven't been on here in a while. Just haven't felt up to it lately, especially after our last trip to NJ.

The bullet-point version of the story:

*SD told SO that she hates me

*SD also told SO that she wishes things were like they were before he met me. No, she doesn't want GUBM and SO to get back together, but, she wishes that SO wasn't dating anyone and that she had him all to herself like it used to be.

*SO told SD that while she is entitled to her opinions, he doesn't have to agree with them. Namely, he doesn't have to agree with her dropping out of school and not really getting an education at the age of 13 and he doesn't have to agree with her disliking me for literally no reason. She has not given me a chance and she has not spent nearly as much time around me as he has. Likewise, she doesn't have to agree with his opinions. He told her that he's not going to push for her to live out here anymore and that he's not going to try to make something happen that can't happen as long as her head is stuck up GUBM's backside (I'm pretty sure he didn't tell SD the part about her head being stuck in GUBM's ass and that this was just something he said in conversation with me about it all).

*SO told SD that she is still expected to be polite and respectful towards me, saying hello when she sees me, saying goodbye, all that jazz. But, otherwise, he wants us both to just avoid interacting with one another so that I can be spared being treated like shit any longer since I have literally done nothing towards SD to deserve her treating me in that manner.

*SD and GUBM let their hatred of me fly in SO's sister's house. GUBM dropped SD off with SO's sister on Thursday, barged into her house with SD, looked around, and them demanded to know where SO was and why he wasn't waiting for SD. SO's sister told GUBM that, much like SO had already explained to SD about ten times, he was in NYC with me for the day. At the mention of my name, SD and GUBM both made faces like someone cut a wet, stank fart in the room and one of them said something along the lines of "Ugh. Whatever."

*SO's dad and stepmom told SD how lucky she is to have me in her life and how misguided she is in spurning that opportunity. Because that's totally what I would have wanted to hear about someone I didn't like when I was her age *eyeroll*

*SO's family doesn't blame me for anything, and I guess that's rightly so. A long and storied history of being emotionally abused tells me otherwise, though, but, I'm trying to work on that for myself (more on this later). But, realistically, I'm an easy victim in all of this. GUBM tried to turn SD against SO, and it didn't work because SD didn't have any bad past experiences with SO. But, it was really easy to turn her against me, and thus impact her relationship with SO. And, while SO was fighting against GUBM's slander campaign against him, he completely missed all the signs of SD not liking me and lying about it these past four years.

*SO's sister apparently doesn't think my disengagement from SD is a good thing, I believe what SO told me was that she called it a red flag, and I don't believe SO when he told me that he explained to her why it had to happen and why I had no other choice (especially because he has told me himself more than once that he disagreed with my disengagement).

I'm more stressed out than ever over all of this, namely because SD is going to be around at times and she feels vindicated in all of this. No matter how much SO tells her that she's wrong, she's never going to feel wrong because GUBM will be there whispering in her ear that she's right, that I'm awful, and that I ruined her family. She's tried relentlessly over these past four years to position herself into the role of mini-wife for SO. And I think it is all going to ramp up soon, because SO proposed at the end of June. I'm elated by that, most of his family has expressed similar awesome feelings about it (the ones I've talked to since the proposal anyway), but, I know SD isn't happy. After he told her she stopped talking to him for weeks. I want her to come to the wedding next year, but, I kind of hope that she won't because I don't want the drama she will surely bring.

Then, there's the more immediate; we're going to the shore with his family in a few weeks and SD might be there. He's been trying to get SD to spend the month of August at his sister's house, and, since the shore trip is during the first full week of August, SD might be there if the arrangements are made. And this anxiety is stupid as hell. Because I'm 30 and she's 13. Even if she were the same age as me I shouldn't give her this much power over me as to make me nervous about being around her and his family. But, I know why I am so stressed and anxious about this.

Largely, I'm hurt and I don't know what to do anymore. SO doesn't know what to do anymore. And SD and GUBM are too busy hating me and SO by proxy to really care about the damage that they're causing for themselves and others.

I'm not hurt over SD not liking me, because I can confidently say that it is her problem and not mine. I put myself out there plenty of times, she never gave me a chance, and she is missing out on not knowing who I truly am as a person. Unlike SO's dad and stepmom, I don't dare tell her that, though. Either she will figure it out or she will always be miserable towards me. I don't really care.

I'm hurt over the fact that GUBM decided it was in SD's best interest to poison her against me and that she has basically raised a self-centered child with narcissistic tendencies. Yes, she's only 13, but, she's already made it perfectly clear that she doesn't think anyone's needs and desires matter but her own, which is exactly how GUBM operates. It's acquired situational narcissism bordering on full-blown narcissism thanks to GUBM, GUBM's family, and all of GUBM's minions blowing smoke up SD's ass and treating her like she's the second coming of Christ. She had the nerve to try to manipulate SO into breaking up with me. And, when she didn't get her way, she went into full-on pout mode. I'm proud of SO for not falling for it, like he's been known to, but I braced myself for that possibility.

And, no matter how many times SO tells me otherwise, I worry that his family, and even SO himself, will stop being accepting of me. I have spent the majority of my life dealing with people who are constantly threatening to take their acceptance away the moment you don't follow their demands. My mom, my sister, a slew of relationships and friendships. And now, SD. The reason why I don't have any friends from childhood is because even they were not above that sort of treatment. After many years of therapy I can say now that it's not because everyone is evil and awful, but, rather, since that was the type of family that I grew up in it became "normal" for me to seek out those kinds of people to have relationships with. I have yet to reconcile myself to the fact that I'm not so damaged and broken that I'm worthy of being treated better. It's a difficult notion to wrap my mind around when all of the abusive assholes have blamed me. So, naturally, I worry about that. I worry that I haven't avoided those kinds of people.I worry that I'm really not that great and that I deserve to be kicked around like a piece of garbage. SO tells me that his family isn't like that, that he isn't like that. SD and GUBM are anomalies.

I just don't even know anymore. I feel broken and screwed up. I see people who have awesome relationships with their skids and I feel like I have failed, like maybe I just don't even belong here anymore - which is screwed up because SO has told me he wants me around for the rest of our lives. Even though I can say it is because GUBM is, well, a GUBM, I still feel like maybe I didn't do things right.